DS and his GF living with us temporarily

[Glossiy]

DS is 25, last year he went travelling and met a girl, they spent Christmas with her family and have now come to stay with us for a few months before moving to Australia together. She is nice enough, however I’m finding it very hard.
Also at home are DS2 who is 22 and DD2 who is 18. DD1 is 20 and at uni but home a lot in breaks.

She isn’t British so she can’t work while here at all, this means she is just around the house a lot, she is clean and tidy but I feel like I never get a break. DS is only back in the UK as he wants to finish some stuff he started before he went travelling before moving.
The other big issue is she never eats with the family, for DS it’s about 50/50 but I make dinner for 6pm and she is souther European so states she couldn’t possibly eat that early. This leads to her cooking at 10pm, the kitchen is right below our bedroom so I can always hear her clattering about when I’m trying to sleep.
Then there is the issue of she smokes, not loads but one or two a day, the rule we set was not in or near the house, bottom of the garden only. However it’s become apparent DS has been letting her smoke out his bedroom window in the evening. DH also thinks she has smoked cannabis too as one night he went to put some rubbish out and could smell it. However whenever I say to DS about this he claims she doesn’t, both for out of the window and for weed.
I’ve also noticed she takes ridiculously long showers, DD2 has complained about this as sometimes she will need to get out to go to college in the morning but can’t get a shower, I mentioned to DS and he said he’d ask her to speed up or wait until everyone had left in the morning, but nothing has changed.
This one is a little awkward but we share a wall with DS room and on several occasions now we have heard them having sex … rather enthusiastically. DH said he mentioned to DS one morning “you two were a bit loud last night” and DS just laughed and said sorry we will keep it down, they haven’t! There has also been several times where I’ve walked into the kitchen etc. and they have been full on making out, playing bloody tonsil tennis!
I hate to say it but I feel like I’m actually counting down the days until he visa is up even though I know that means my DS will be moving to the other side of the world.

AIBU to think they need to look into a short term flat share or something as I don’t think I can keep living like this! Any advice appreciated.

I think you and DH need to sit them both down and have a chat. Start with something positive like how you are enjoying getting to to know the gf then let them know while you enjoy having them stay with you they need to remember other people live here too. Smoking can only happen in the back yard, it out the window. Gf is welcome to use the kitchen any time before… she doesn’t have to eat then, but no cooking past …. Gf can not use the shower before… as you all need to get ready for the day. Bedroom noise at night must stop, no one wants to hear that. These rules are non negotiable, if you can’t live by these rules you will get a couple of days notice and you will have to move out.
Be firm.

She may have been quiet and apologised but her next reaction by leaving on the exact night after the conversation which you were rightly entitled to have with them shows that she is upset. I see nothing wrong with the way you had to set your ground rules but she is obviously not used to having restrictions. However, that is her issue to resolve within herself . Good luck with your son .

Ok that’s a good sign. You have taught your ds well. I’d still probably try to smooth things over with him. Maybe ask him if the argument was because of what you said as it wasn’t your intention to try to upset her.

Edited as saw your update. Sounds like you handled it perfectly. I think she is incredibly rude and maybe your DS will start to see that now

You handled it well, I guess with hindsight she was always going to react like that.

She sounds very entitled

Hold your nerve OP. She shouldn’t be making you feel awkward when you’ve been reasonable and have been doing her a massive favour. She should graciously thank you for hosting her for so long and move out.
Wondering what skills they have at their age that they can just move to Australia as an unmarried couple!
My niece and her fiancée are trying to move there at similar ages. Good degrees and work experience but are now thinking of retraining into a listed occupation as the visas are hard to get. Unless you mean working holidays.

DS job is on the skilled occupations list and he already has a job offer.
His GF is planning to do her postgraduate degree.

Really really cheeky behaviour. From both of them. What guest imposes their own meal times on a household? She can reheat what you have cooked.

Smoking in the house even out the window is bang out of order.

So your water bill soars and other family members can't get out of the house on time because your guest is having long showers?

Op, you really really need to get tougher. They are taking the piss. And will continue to do so.

Don't be such a bloody doormat.

Urgh. She's a drama queen.

So she’s quite well off? Why on earth would they choose to live with you then? No offence but most people their age want to live independently and not under their parents roof. They don’t need to be thinking about times to use the kitchen/bathroom or how loudly they have sex etc as presumably they could afford a short term let.

So she threw her toys out the pram eh?

Proves beyond doubt that she is a freeloading, pisstaking cunt.

I feel sorry for her. She probably feels very unwanted now. I think you’ve messed up, OP. Your son might marry this girl and you’re on a bad footing now over what ultimately was a brief period of living together and which could have been dealt with with more diplomacy (why sit her down like that to tell her off? What happened to bringing things up casually and in a friendly manner as and when they occur?)

I know someone who got off on a bad foot with her future DIL and it has affected their relationship. She did indeed marry her son but they’re not close and she keeps her distance even years later.

She has been thoughtless but none of what she’s done is a major crime and some of it is cultural differences. A lot of British people also find 6pm absurdly early to eat.

This is what is awful about this website. Posts like these which goad people into creating drama in their personal lives. Get a grip! This is not a normal response to such a situation. Not normal at all.

OP, I know this isn’t necessarily the reaction you wanted/expected, but please be reassured that you’ve done nothing wrong - all you’ve asked for is that they be more considerate of others living in the same household. The girlfriend flouncing off in a huff not only shows that she is incredibly immature, but also unwilling to compromise - which doesn’t exactly bode well for their relationship.

I didn’t say this in my original response as I didn’t want to make it all about myself, but I experienced a similar situation as a young adult still living at home where my brother and his girlfriend were allowed to rule the roost - TV blaring late at night when I had to be up early for work the next day, hogging the bathroom, loud sex, etc. and although I love my mum to death I still hold quite a lot of resentment towards her for being a doormat and not standing up the rest of us during that time. Well done for being fair and setting your children a good example!

Maybe this has been the opportunity for your DS to realise her character is somewhat lacking...

Time for a honest and frank discussion;

You eat as a family at the prescribed time, it is more sociable and saves money. She is cooking when the family are settling g down gif the evening which is unfair, the girlfriend staying with you should not impact your family life.

Smoking read her the riot act, your house your rules. Speak to her directly not via your son she is responsible for her own actions and needs to be told.

Noisy sex, knock on the door when it happens, it is weird he is not embarrassed enough to be quieter.

Suggests she starts volunteering at a local charity and uses her day productively, has a meal ready for when people come home runs the Hoover around etc

Lengthy showers, knock on the door after 10 minutes a day tell her there is a queue and to hurry up.

Directness is the key here otherwise it will be a long time until they leave.

A little beside the point now but I really don't and wouldn't expect her to cook for the whole family, clean the house or take up volunteering. She is an adult, not my child and we aren't close.

She has offered to cook for us several times (she is Italian) and the kids have accepted but DH and I can't wait until 9pm to eat.

I certainly wouldn't force her to eat with us either, I don't think she'd much approve of my breaded chicken and wedges! I just would have preferred she cooked earlier and then she could heat her food up later when she is ready to eat.

As for cleaning, we have a cleaner who does all the communal areas and it was up to her and DS to keep his room clean and tidy, which it always was.

Perhaps read the thread closely - the OP has updated that the DS' GF has exited the stage....

You've done the right thing

If she's going to throw her toys out the pram
at being asked to LET YOU GO TO SLEEP instead of cooking at 10pm and NOT SMOKE IN THE HOUSE then it's a good thing she's fucked off

Hopefully the possibly spoiled princess will either grow up or they won't stay together

Well I think your son will have his hands full with gf. She sounds a spoilt and inconsiderate brat. We have a similar situation to you atm and not experienced any of that. They are in the honeymoon period atm but I bet they won’t last with her attitude.

@Glossiy

You did the right thing. It’s basic respect and your home.

You are fully allowed to state what works and doesn’t work and what makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

If she chooses to react that way, that is not your fault.

Good for him.
You did the right thing.
Well done op and op's son

I’ve lived and home-stayed abroad and would never expect to live as suits ME if I ama guest in someone else’s home! That’s an outrageous attitude. I can only hope that she realised that and has chosen this exit as a way of compromising (?) rather than as a flounce.

You need to make them more uncomfortable. Discuss your issues and lay down some rules. It's your house after all and they are squeezing in. They are really being thoughtless but you don't have to accept it