DS and his GF living with us temporarily

[Glossiy]

DS is 25, last year he went travelling and met a girl, they spent Christmas with her family and have now come to stay with us for a few months before moving to Australia together. She is nice enough, however I’m finding it very hard.
Also at home are DS2 who is 22 and DD2 who is 18. DD1 is 20 and at uni but home a lot in breaks.

She isn’t British so she can’t work while here at all, this means she is just around the house a lot, she is clean and tidy but I feel like I never get a break. DS is only back in the UK as he wants to finish some stuff he started before he went travelling before moving.
The other big issue is she never eats with the family, for DS it’s about 50/50 but I make dinner for 6pm and she is souther European so states she couldn’t possibly eat that early. This leads to her cooking at 10pm, the kitchen is right below our bedroom so I can always hear her clattering about when I’m trying to sleep.
Then there is the issue of she smokes, not loads but one or two a day, the rule we set was not in or near the house, bottom of the garden only. However it’s become apparent DS has been letting her smoke out his bedroom window in the evening. DH also thinks she has smoked cannabis too as one night he went to put some rubbish out and could smell it. However whenever I say to DS about this he claims she doesn’t, both for out of the window and for weed.
I’ve also noticed she takes ridiculously long showers, DD2 has complained about this as sometimes she will need to get out to go to college in the morning but can’t get a shower, I mentioned to DS and he said he’d ask her to speed up or wait until everyone had left in the morning, but nothing has changed.
This one is a little awkward but we share a wall with DS room and on several occasions now we have heard them having sex … rather enthusiastically. DH said he mentioned to DS one morning “you two were a bit loud last night” and DS just laughed and said sorry we will keep it down, they haven’t! There has also been several times where I’ve walked into the kitchen etc. and they have been full on making out, playing bloody tonsil tennis!
I hate to say it but I feel like I’m actually counting down the days until he visa is up even though I know that means my DS will be moving to the other side of the world.

AIBU to think they need to look into a short term flat share or something as I don’t think I can keep living like this! Any advice appreciated.

I’m southern European too and she’s being just straight up rude as hell.

Eating with the family supersedes eating at a normal time (our normal time, that is). Hell, I’m surprised she has the nerve to cook instead of eating whatever is offered in the household.

Showers - my area has a fixed rate so it wouldn’t make any difference to me, but if it does to you just tell her to be mindful or they have to contribute towards bills.

Sex - I would be beyond mortified if I knew my in-laws could hear me. Oh my god.

They're being rude. Her for acting like that, your DS for going along with it.

I think perhaps he is seeing her for who she actually is and that can only be a good thing. She sounds like spoilt, inconsiderate and ungrateful.

Oop, I just read the rest - don’t worry about it, it was a knee jerk reaction and eventually she’ll calm down.

Plus if this was all it took for them to have an argument then the relationship isn’t that strong anyway.

No no and no. No cooking at 10pm and no smoking at all. It's your house and your rules. She needs to fit in with your routine end of. Imagine the roles reversed- would you go and stay at someone's house and smoke in the bedroom and refuse to eat dinner with your hosts and cook for yourself every night? If it's uncomfortable for her for a few months so be it - that's the price she pays for staying with you.

Your son should think long and hard about emigrating with a woman who can't deal with a problematic conversation without causing a fight. Living in a foreign country as tough enough without someone like that.

I'd count this as a result! My kids are young still but honestly your son is 25 with a girlfriend. He needs to be out of there. It will be healthier for all your relationships.

I wonder if your DS ever did in fact pass on all the things to her that he said he'd pass on, OP? Hence the gf feeling possibly ambushed and embarrassed, the consequent argument, and his return home.

How many of these matters did you raise with her directly, either on her own or as a couple? I've read your OP again and can only really see you talking to your son.

Having said that, she shouldn't have been behaving like that in the first place.

I would have lost patience the moment she started cooking at 10pm I think this would drive me mad. It’s not right that your daughter isn’t able to shower because the gf is taking over the bathroom, if she’s at home all day she should wait until those with shit to do has had use of the bathroom.
you’ve got more patience than me, I would have asked them to move out. I would say something now before it starts to cause more problems because it will.

Oh I’ve seen she’s gone. That’s good

It’s weird she chose to live with her bf’s family for so long anyway, especially if her parents are very well off.

I wonder if your son convinced her to move in promising his family were dying to have her stay so your ground rules yesterday came as a shock.

How long is a few months? Do you know when they are planning to leave.

I think you need to sit them both down and go over some rules. You now have 7 adults living under the same roof and there will need to be compromises.

Why don't you suggest she looks at some volunteering work. Charity shops are always looking, or the dog shelters look for people to walk the dogs.

She should put off using bathroom until everyone else has left.

Ask her to prep her meals before hand.

Tell them the smoking out the window is not OK.

As for the sex, tell them! Ask him to move his bed, or you can get sound proof self adhesive panels for his wall off amazon.

He is your son, but he does not rule the roost and he does not pay the mortgage.

There is absolutely no way I would tolerate any of this. Absolutely no. Out they go…! My dd is 22 and we just had a blanket rule of no boyfriends staying over. I think it’s one of the reasons she was eager to go to university. I admit perhaps our family is a little different because we’re all neurodiverse- dh has adhd and bipolar, Ds aged 13 and I have autism, as I suspect does dd, but we just wouldn’t cope with someone staying over in the house.

Yes this is what I'm wondering. I'd be furious with him if he hasn't been passing on the messages.

She's not necessarily stropping off like a brat, she might be mortified by the conversation.

Let the dust settle a bit then invite her round and make an effort to get to know here before they both go off.

Sounds like you set some perfectly reasonable ground rules. You're all adults, and if GF is unhappy about those rules and has decided to live somewhere else, so be it.

Don't think you should make a drama of it particularly (or feel responsible). Let them work through it.

GF might not have wanted to live with you anyway, your DS might have 'sold' it to her (it'll be fine/we'll save money/they'll love you etc) and now she's feeling on the back foot. Who really knows?

It is entirely reasonable for you to have expected her to be good mannered and try to fit in.
I am amazed your son was so casual about their sexual activity disturbing your sleep. What can he be thinking?
Air BnB sounds the best solution. And hopefully when the first flush of lust subsides your son might realise that she may not be a keeper. And if they marry ... there will be fences to mend but time will settle things down.

Your conversation was perfectly fine OP. She is being very over dramatic.

They're unreasonable, but if they are moving to Australia you don't want to do that on the back of a falling out. I'd tell your son this is the last time you're telling him or you'll talk to her and it might embarrass her, but beyond that I'd try to keep the peace.

Your requests constitute the most basic of expectations for a house guest.

It appeared she was ignorant and entitled and I'm afraid this has confirmed it.

So she can cook and clean up earlier and reheat it when she is hungry! It's your kitchen, DS doesn't get to dictate how it runs

You need to do it … why don’t the 4 of you sit down and go through expectations while living with you. She doesn’t know you at all and is taking the complete piss tbh and so is your son.
Set deadline for cooking etc and showers.
Next time you hear them bang on the wall … that should kill the mood! Ha.
If they don’t agree then they need to go rent somewhere.

Result 👍🏻
Do not go back on what you said or try to talk her round!
And … if she has the money for an Airbnb was she paying you rent??

Sounds like a spoilt brat … how are they getting a visa to move to Australia anyway?
If it ends up happening now?!?

Goodness don’t go back on what you’ve finally said now. Say as you have a good nights sleep, please reflect on the fact that it’s been some time since I did with the noise in the kitchen, and not having noisy sex a wall away from your parents is one of the downsides of staying at home, you really need your own place to do that.

(but I’d have stayed up till 9 for dinner a couple of times when she cooked, surely you could have survived a few extra hours without food? Actually I’m not asking, I know you could have, it’s a shame you didn’t make the effort. It’d also a shame she couldn’t bring herself to sit down at 6 once or twice, early as it is.)

I have my son and partner staying with us and we're having a few niggles but I tell them both and I've told her I'm an honest person if I have a problem I'll tell them both if they do t like it they know where the door is x

GF isn't living within your familial boundaries and is being downright disrespectful. She may not be making a mess but equally is not making a positive contribution.
As for "not eating early" she's an adult and should suck it up and eat with you not be cooking at 10pm! How arrogant!!!
They should both leave as their presence is disruptive to the whole household.
The smoking is an absolute no-no. An open conversation clearly needs to happen with them both, your son is clearly not saying anything and hoping you won't either so he can get away with it. Yes they're adults, BUT it is YOUR home. Start as you mean to go on.