DS and his GF living with us temporarily

[Glossiy]

DS is 25, last year he went travelling and met a girl, they spent Christmas with her family and have now come to stay with us for a few months before moving to Australia together. She is nice enough, however I’m finding it very hard.
Also at home are DS2 who is 22 and DD2 who is 18. DD1 is 20 and at uni but home a lot in breaks.

She isn’t British so she can’t work while here at all, this means she is just around the house a lot, she is clean and tidy but I feel like I never get a break. DS is only back in the UK as he wants to finish some stuff he started before he went travelling before moving.
The other big issue is she never eats with the family, for DS it’s about 50/50 but I make dinner for 6pm and she is souther European so states she couldn’t possibly eat that early. This leads to her cooking at 10pm, the kitchen is right below our bedroom so I can always hear her clattering about when I’m trying to sleep.
Then there is the issue of she smokes, not loads but one or two a day, the rule we set was not in or near the house, bottom of the garden only. However it’s become apparent DS has been letting her smoke out his bedroom window in the evening. DH also thinks she has smoked cannabis too as one night he went to put some rubbish out and could smell it. However whenever I say to DS about this he claims she doesn’t, both for out of the window and for weed.
I’ve also noticed she takes ridiculously long showers, DD2 has complained about this as sometimes she will need to get out to go to college in the morning but can’t get a shower, I mentioned to DS and he said he’d ask her to speed up or wait until everyone had left in the morning, but nothing has changed.
This one is a little awkward but we share a wall with DS room and on several occasions now we have heard them having sex … rather enthusiastically. DH said he mentioned to DS one morning “you two were a bit loud last night” and DS just laughed and said sorry we will keep it down, they haven’t! There has also been several times where I’ve walked into the kitchen etc. and they have been full on making out, playing bloody tonsil tennis!
I hate to say it but I feel like I’m actually counting down the days until he visa is up even though I know that means my DS will be moving to the other side of the world.

AIBU to think they need to look into a short term flat share or something as I don’t think I can keep living like this! Any advice appreciated.

It doesn't matter if she's hungry earlier. She can cook and heat it up later. They both sound incredibly inconsiderate. Maybe you and DH should have very loud sex (or even just pretend to) and see how your son enjoys hearing it.

Or sit them down and offer some "feedback"

Now, son, what I heard was that actually, you aren't quite hitting the right spots to really fulfil your girlfriends requirements. Your mum and I find and X and Y positions really help us both get to the end point together. It's important to put lots of effort into making sure she is enjoying herself too you know.

Mortifying for both, but a sure fire sex stopper!

"would you like to borrow some toys we find useful?"
They'll be out within a week 😂

Well....

We had a conversation with them both, I think we were reasonable, no smoking inside, no cooking past 8.30 (but welcome to heat things up int en microwave after this), shower after everyone else etc.
DS was apologetic and so was she but generally she was pretty quiet. Now DS has come and told us that she's packed her stuff and is getting a hotel for tonight then will look for an Airbnb from tomorrow.

I don't think we were unfair so this feels like an overreaction on her part. I asked DS if he was going with her and he said he was going to the hotel tonight and he'd decide about the Airbnb after!

If you hear them having sex go and knock on the door and call out “everything ok, I heard some odd noises” hopefully that will quieten them down.
The other things I think you need a chat with them both together and explain that the smoking and cooking in particular aren’t working for you

Sorry OP just read your update. I wouldn’t make too big a deal of it, that’s her choice as she doesn’t want to keep to your rules. An approach of I’m sorry you’re going but our door is always open is a good way to do it

Sorry if someone’s already asked this question, but why is she staying with you and not her own family during this waiting period? Especially as she can’t work - it seems pointless.

Why doesn’t she go home, spend time with her own family before this big move, and also earn some money? They’ll need some savings to get set up in Australia- for a rental deposit, buying household items, maybe even a car. It makes no sense at all for her to be hanging around in the Uk doing nothing, either at your house or in an Airbnb.

The Airbnb will just waste their savings anyway.

Her family seem to be very very well off so I don't think money is an issue for her. She and DS are uncomfortable with long distance apparently.

She needs to move out. And so should your son, he is disrespectful.

Why did you agree to let her stay so long?

oh no. This isn’t what you want op. She’s laid out her cards. Your ds is following. She’s unhappy and left. He has followed.

If he doesn’t go to the air bnb their relationship will likely be over. If he does go you’ve just finished these last few weeks/months before the otherside of the globe on a bad note.

Oh dear, it sounds as if she’s happy to do nothing much while other people pay the bills, That doesn’t bode well for their life in Australia.

Hello OP, I am sorry that you are going through this. I completely understand and empathize with you. I think that kids nowadays are very spoiled and entitled and it is very difficult to speak with them. I was in a similar situation many times, when something bothered me, but I would rather not say anything out of fear that I will hurt their feelings and that as a result they will leave or not spend as much time with me as I would want them to.

I know that this hurts and that you wanted to spend these last weeks with your son, but from what you told us, you did not say anything wrong and your expectations are reasonable.

Sounds like a win to me.

She's took a strop at being called out on her actually unreasonable behaviour.

It might be worth pointing out to ds that her response to being asked to behave respectfully is to huff off. Indicative of how she might respond if he ever raises a reasonable issue with her within their relationship.

Where is she from?

I would t worry too much adults have to live their lives how they want to and she has decided an Airbnb is better than compromising how she wants to live.

Good. Your house rules are not unreasonable, they are just about showing consideration for other people (who are giving you a place to stay, free of charge!) If she has taken offence, that's her problem. Tell your son you love him and that you don't think you're being unreasonable - there's a lot of people in the house and living together means having to compromise and be considerate of others. Hopefully, he'll understand and realise that they've been taking the piss a bit!

Fair enough. If she doesn't want to behave considerately then moving out is for the best.

That's a fair result.

To be fair to her, maybe she didn't want to live with you either. Your DS may have insisted as it's an easy option for him but if she does have quite a bit of money, then she probably doesn't want to live with her boyfriend's mum either.

If I had enough money to rent an AirBnB, I'd rather do that than be told when to shower and when to eat.

Your DS was a bit irresponsible and disrespectful but this is actually better than having a massive argument in a few months' time.

You were very reasonable and I would have done the same. I'd let your son know that you are happy for her to come back but that the rules still stand. He surely doesn't disagree that your requests are unreasonable.

She has been petulant and childish.

If her parents are well off, she’s probably used to living in a house, where no one is on top of one another and the sort of rules you’ve set aren’t necessary because there’s multiple bathrooms, the house is large enough that noises don’t affect others etc. Maybe they have a housekeeper or chef and such like.

She seems very entitled and unable to see the view point of others. That could just be her upbringing and being young. As others on the thread have said, the rules are very reasonable.

It’s important that things aren’t left like this. I would perhaps say to your ds or text him as he’s gone. You love him very much. You’re sorry if you upset his gf. This was not your intention as she seems to make him happy (or some other pleasantry). That it’s hard having a lot of people under one roof to ensure everyone’s needs are met. And because she’s not working or studying, unfortunately she was always going to be asked to fit in with everyone’s routines as she’s able to be flexible when the rest of you are not. That you’d love them to come over on Saturday night if they’re free for a takeaway as you can eat later to accommodate her, sit together and perhaps learn a little more about one another.

Wave her bye bye enthusiastically!

She seems like a right madam. Perfectly reasonable rules yet she has spit her dummy. I get the feeling rich mummy and daddy let her get away with anything she wants.

the thing is the showers, the cooking late and the loud sex- anyone who is half reasonable would have realised this was not on anyway. I would be horrified if my in-laws or parents heard me and DH having sex.

(His sister coming home early and hearing me shout “fuck me babes harder, harder” was bad enough when DH lived at home and my god did she made a fuss about it (that’s another story).

In hope your Ds is ready to pander to her every need op

Gosh I'm not sure why our conversation has justified such a dramatic response but seems DS came home around 1am, he sent a text saying he was coming back as he and his girlfriend had an argument!
I really don't think our requests were so unfair to justify such a dramatic response!!

ruh roh…i am going to guess the argument was about how she thought he should have stood up for her with you and / or he doesn’t want to pay for any of the hotel or airbnb

Oh dear. Your requests were reasonable and you asked for them in a reasonable way. Don't apologise.

I think it’s a little unfair to be slating the GF. I don’t think she’s had a dramatic response or gone off in a huff.
OP said she was apologetic and quiet - that’s hardly bad behaviour.
The son and GF were not being considerate house guests, OP spoke to them both, they apologised. GF may have felt awkward or embarrassed as she wasn’t aware her potential in laws had heard her having sex - I would have been mortified at that age. GF may have felt she’d worn out her welcome or that the house was just too small/crowded to accommodate an extra guest long term. She didn’t verbally abuse them and slam the door on her way out, she simply recognised that this living situation was not workable for the existing house members and herself and made other arrangements for herself.