Do you put work before DC?

[Saycheeseburgers]

I work in a male team where my colleagues put work first, without a doubt. Working late most nights, skipping taking their children to activities in favour of working.

I just won’t do this. I imagine it might impact my promotionability, but I don’t believe it should so for now I don’t care. I work hard during my work hours, but I finish by 5-5:30pm to meet my DC needs. I don’t miss Christmas shows or assemblies (I take my own flexi time to make up for these).

God no.

You're replaced at work very easily.

No.
Jobs come and go, your children will always be there.

I balance both but I'm very lucky to have a pretty flexible job. So I can leave work early if I need to see the kids in a school play and I make up the time in the evening. I travel quite a lot for work and the kids miss me, but they also learn to manage with DH.

Exactly my thoughts! I heard something a while ago about the only people remembering if you work late are your family, not your colleagues! That stuck with me.

5-5:30pm to me is not “early”, it’s leaving on time!

I will always prioritise my children. I’m lucky that I don’t have a toxic work culture and this hasn’t hindered me professionally. Some industries are better than others though

Well yes and no. Not everyone has the luxury of a 9÷5 job or wants one.
I work shifts, sometimes dont get home until 11pm. That doesnt mean my kids suffer.
What a priviledged post!

No childhood is a short time, you can have a career after. I'm generally not motivated by money though, I don't need the next XYZ or to go on far flung holidays. I purposefully picked a small home so that I could be mortgage free and financially stable early, and a family friendly job to prioritise the things that are important to me.

I mean, I did when I had to, but then DH was a SAHD. Someone's got to pay the bills...

I think there's a difference between willingly putting work first or having to do what you have to do.
I have always worked shifts, it's much better money and I enjoy it. I did not enjoy missing out on school plays, parents evenings, birthdays and Christmases sometimes but it's what has given us the life we have now so I don't regret it. I also think it sends a good message to my son that you have to work hard in life and sometimes that comes with certain sacrifices.

Those saying they work shifts, but do you stick to your shift or do you work longer, missing things that are outside of your work time? A shift is a work pattern that might suit some better or as pp say, might not be a choice. But I would say that’s a work pattern rather than putting work before DC.

Are they prioritising work at the expense of their children though? Or is it prioritising work at the expense of their partner who they know will pick up the slack and take the kids to beavers or watch the nativity play so the kids doesn’t miss out? I have a theory that those men might try harder to leave earlier if they thought their child was missing out versus just merrily knowing their partner will do what needs doing.

(That assumes it’s a typical “9-5” type job - if it’s shift work then it’s obviously different.)

I think it’s different when you are the primary care giver, which is still mum. It’s easy to work late or go on business trips, industry events etc when someone else is at home doing the graft. I don’t think my male colleagues would even consider it a conscience choice! It definitely affects the chances of promotion, as this kind of out of hours stuff is perceived as going the extra mile. I mean clearly it’s not …

I took a lower paid job so I could be there for my children. I could be earning a lot more but I couldn't have my kids in school all day and me gone till late at night. You don't get that time back no matter what money you earn.

The number of times I've said 'I am the wife' at work. I work in a male dominated industry and exactly none of them give up work for kids. Their wife goes.

It very much depends on your job / industry and you sound a bit judgmental tbh. There's a balance to be had and maybe your colleagues are focussing on their careers in order to get ahead so they can provide for their families- there's no right or wrong way to approach it. There are times I work very late or on weekends as the job requires it, times I miss out on DC's activities (but DH will go instead) and then other times when I prioritise spending time with them - both in my mind are putting family first though, as we need my job to give them a good life and provide for their future. In some jobs working additional hours very much is required for promotion and that's completely fine if it's not your focus right now but YABU to expect to still be promoted by working 9-5 if you are in that sort of job.

I put two thing before work - my daughter and my own health. I cut my work hours down to 21 hours a week when she was 3 so that I could spend as much time with her as I could, and also so that I could go to the gym twice a week. My health improved and I'm a better mother and a better worker for it.

No but I did have to change my career. Things are likely different now but the demands in my old job would have impacted family life too much.

That's really great that you could do that. Many of us can't. I was the primary earner until my youngest was 9 years old. I couldn't have cut down my hours (even if I wanted to, which I didn't, until they were 9 when I did and could because DH was earning a FT wage again).

But I hate threads like this. So much mum-guilt-tripping and blame. Everyone is just doing the best they can for their kids in their given circumstances, which will be different for everyone.

My dc are in upper end of primary & I work 25 hrs across 4 days now (built up from 14 hrs over the last 5-6 yrs). I'm in early & home early so I can fit homework, activities etc in. Still struggle to fit in exercise!

I’m in the civil service where the T’s and C’s are good and no one can ever be fired which is why I find it bizzarre.

Why? I’m made to feel guilty at work by the men - “guess it’s another late night for me then” - because I know that my DC matter more.

I think what you are describing is a bit simplistic. The money I earn allows us to do interesting stuff as a family and I enjoy my work. Occasionally there will be a work priority I need to spend time on which means I will work late, or not be able to make an event. This does not happen often, but it does happen. When it does, I explain and we do something different when we can. I suspect this is true for most women in a senior grade.

No. Does it affect my prospects? Yes for now but it won’t be forever. I love my job, I am glad of the flexibility it provides me, it can be very high stress and I am very invested in it but I have never missed a school event, I take unpaid leave in school holidays, I finish on the dot on nights my kids have clubs on, and DH is the same.

Interestingly when DH needs time for the DC he is given so much praise for how sweet he is. When I need it there are eye rolls (same industry).