Do you put work before DC?

[Saycheeseburgers]

I work in a male team where my colleagues put work first, without a doubt. Working late most nights, skipping taking their children to activities in favour of working.

I just won’t do this. I imagine it might impact my promotionability, but I don’t believe it should so for now I don’t care. I work hard during my work hours, but I finish by 5-5:30pm to meet my DC needs. I don’t miss Christmas shows or assemblies (I take my own flexi time to make up for these).

Will he sit on his death bed regretting the time he missed with his kids? Probably.

Will you regret not missing the precious though? No.

Absolutely not! I learnt my lesson the hard way - had a high profile job at a huge bank. Worked right up until I literally gave birth - late nights etc. my husband was so mad with me but I had it in my head I had to prove my worth before going on mat leave. Month two or mat leave I was made redundant (whole area I worked for was moving over to India! So could move to India or be made redundant). Made me realise that at work no matter how good you are you are dispensable

however at home - I am the one and only mum. I now work for myself so I can work around the kids and have never missed a school play / sporting event etc.

my husband also ensures he attends all events - you change jobs you don’t change your family

There's a difference between putting children first and not doing the work.

Children will always be the priority but sometimes need to work late and get something done, and work weekends etc.

Are you doing your work, and the same amount of work as people at your level. In which case no problem. However, if someone is always having to pick up your work because you leave on time and then don't finish it, that would be very frustrating.

No absolutely not.

Nothing on this earth is more important than my children.

A friend once said that she couldn't wait to get back to work after her mat leave because she hates being "just a mum" and wanted to retain professionalism in her workplace. She takes any and all overtime. Doesn't know much about her children.

None of my business but I can't help but think that she will regret this massively when she's older and looking back.

God no! I very much nod along and smile and do what is asked of me at work but I do not give a shit about it.

I wouldn’t worry about the men, clearly they’re doing absolutely nothing else to contribute in the home apart from financial. We get one life and if you died tomorrow your company would replace you. Let them pick up the slack if that’s their priority, yours are different. Your children will never thank you for missing school shows, working late night, but they will remember the things you couldn’t make. I changed careers 5 years ago and earn substantially less now. Always wishing I had more money, but I will get there once the children start school. For now my job is fairly flexible, not particularly exciting but allowing me to learn a lot which I will be able to use later on. Children are my priority now, yes I miss the regular holidays overseas to nice places and being able to afford to buy whatever I want but those times will come again once nursery is done and paid for.

We've tried to balance it. Providing a home, food, clothes etc is a big part of parenting - but we also haven't forged relentlessly with our careers either.

We have a child with sen and there is zero childcare for him and his sen school only had him in part time for 5 years so that forced our hands somewhat.

Sometimes. It’s literally the reason other people’s children are alive.

There are plenty of people who don’t have my job who put their work first sometimes. Sometimes it’s necessary to remain employed. And hence fulfil one’s
parental obligation to financially support children.

And sometimes, of course, it simply reflects the reality that different things are of different levels of priority at different times.

Not really the point, but I think 7.00 - 3.30 is very family friendly as full time hours go. Much better than a more standard 9 - 5.30, which by the time you add a journey to work in, doesn't allow you to be very involved at the beginning OR the end of the day, whereas 3.30 clearly allows you to be very involved in that after-school/homework/tea time period. OK you won't be there for school pick up, but you are there for pick up after 1 hour of after school club or similar. No full time job with fixed rather than flexible hours is going to allow you to be there beginning AND end, so this at least allows you to do a lot at the end in a way that the standard day doesn't.

Just agreeing that 7 to 3.30 would be an amazing family friendly working routine. Depending on commute time the children would only need a short time at afterschool club and you'd be around for every evening and dinner, homework, could do clubs etc.

Whereas the traditional 9 - 5.30/6 makes it difficult to be home for dinner and definitely couldn't help with clubs etc

@Scaredtosayitoutloud I completely agree with you. I actually think the best/ fairest way for women is to keep things purely objective (promotions based solely on number of widgets made rather than some cocky man blagging a promotion every year).

Totally your choice not logging on until 8:30. Totally valid. However, if someone (man or woman) was arriving at 8:10 and starting then & therefore had a higher output (not just the same output taking them longer) then I'd expect that to work in their favour for promotion.

Just agreeing that 7 to 3.30 would be an amazing family friendly working routine.

My 25 hours across 4 days is pretty much 7:15/7:30 to 2:15/3 with a half hour commute each way. I pick up the dc 3/4 days a week (some days they have clubs straight after). It's pretty full on as they go to other clubs, we do 30 mins homework/reading, I'll cook or bake something from scratch etc but finishing work early makes a massive difference. I've always been an early riser so the mornings don't really feel bad.

It doesn’t come above them but it does pay for the things they want plus extras like driving lessons, loan horses and jiu jitsu competitions so it is also a priority. It also gives me a life and people to talk too. I enjoy work.
My children are teens though and they are more independent. I have just taken a work exam today and my daughter sent me a message saying she was so proud of me. I know I have a great balance.

I don't care what anyone says, it's very difficult to get a man to step up

I know I'll get a load of posts saying 'no not true my DH is brilliant' but sorry this is not the norm imo.

Well, it certainly is the norm amongst people I mix with.
Maybe you need to change your social circle?

This country is still full of men not stepping up, not paying for their children and not taking responsibility.

Where's your data for this?
If I look around my friends over the last 40+ years, and think back to who was supporting dc be that in music, sports, cubs, swimming, or whatever, I see / have seen pretty equal parenting for decades.
I'm not going to assume that all couples work like that, because that would be ridiculous just based on 40+ years, with 3 dc attending multiple activities as well as breakfast and after school clubs.

I think that there aren't that many jobs where you can just count what everyone does and decide who's doing best, though. In most jobs the 'widgets' aren't all the same and not everyone makes them equally well so it isn't just a numbers game.

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned the widgets analogy is simplistic but I think most jobs have performance metrics / KPIs and it should be based on that.

Absolutely not for me! Prior to the birth of my son 14 months ago I was pretty similar to how you describe your male counterparts, I was first in, last to leave and would consistently work 10+ hours above my working contract without being paid overtime or anything like that. I was the first to put in for promotions or to take on additional tasks, looking back I was pretty obsessed with work tbh. Now however, it's the complete opposite, the most enjoyable part of my day starts when I pick my boy up from nursery after work and any emergency concerning him would come a million miles before work. Luckily I've worked in my current organisation for nearly 10 years so they knew pre-baby me pretty well and understand that my priorities are just really different now!

Performance metrics in a lot of jobs are subjective. And in any case, normally when you're promoted you're going for a different role. You don't want the best widget maker to be the manager of the widget makers, you want the person who seems like they'd be the best manager, and that's very much going to be based on soft skills not widget making speed.

This country is also full of people that fall over themselves to make excuses for men and accept low standards.

Women aren't helpless and don't have to accept low standards and certainly don't have to have multiple children with men like that.

@SouthLondonMum22 I agree. My DH has to pull his weight because if he doesn't, doesn't get done. I don't "pick up the slack" as a matter of routine (of course we are both flexible and try to be helpful).

If I'm going out with my friends, you're watching the kids. If you don't iron your work shirt, you won't have one ready etc! I have my jobs too (cooking, cleaning) but I couldn't be one of these women who puts up with a man refusing to pull his weight. Doesn't have to be 50/50 (we aren't) but has to be liveable

By and large, no. But I do do all my work.

I don't care what anyone says, it's very difficult to get a man to step up

I know I'll get a load of posts saying 'no not true my DH is brilliant' but sorry this is not the norm imo.

I think it is the norm for many. I'm a millennial and certainly at school pick ups etc there are just as many dads. My dad was also very hands on & DHs dad was a SAHP for a while as his mum was the breadwinner so it's very normal for us to share the load.