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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheeky fucker houseguest

227 replies

TheLargestToblerone · 23/01/2025 16:01

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable overall, but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting because I’m pissed off.

DP has a friend who has been more or less homeless for nearly a year. The reason he was made homeless was not his fault, so I do have a lot of sympathy for him. He’s been sofa surfing or living in his car most of the time. But one option fell through and winter in his car is awful, so in October he asked to stay with us for a couple of days. And the next week a couple more days. And on. He’s moved a bed into our spare room. He asked about it, and I agreed, because otherwise he was on the sofa in the sitting room and it was a total PITA. But that was a mistake as now he seems to think it’s more permanent. He stayed four days last week. He asked to stay every day this week, but we said no. His work is sporadic and he doesn’t earn much, so we have never asked for money.

We feed him dinner, he showers here, he washes his clothes here and he’s never offered to contribute to anything. He brings wine for himself and offers none of it, and drinks ours when he doesn’t bring his own. He sits here eating tubs of chocolates and tubes of crisps and doesn’t offer any. He sits watching YT videos without headphones. He breathes though his mouth and sniffles endlessly without blowing his fucking nose. He washes up his own coffee cup each morning and leaves everything else. He doesn’t offer to help with anything, not cooking, not clearing away, not washing up.

I’m going to tell him to fuck off tomorrow a day early, but I don’t understand why people are like this? I would never stay at someone’s house and not even bother to walk my plate to the kitchen after I’ve been cooked dinner. He genuinely has nowhere else to go, so why would he not make sure he doesn’t lose that?

I am getting DP to tell him to take his bed with him tomorrow morning and that the maximum he will stay here in future is 1 night, and not every week. DP thinks that’s too harsh, and it is short notice for him to take the bed (which smells) with him. But I am fed up and want him and his stuff gone.

OP posts:
InkHeart2024 · 23/01/2025 17:59

rwalker · 23/01/2025 17:58

The council will do exactly nothing for a single man

Show quote history

Not the case if he's genuinely unintentionally homeless and has a right to a relief duty, but under the circumstances that he's intentionally homeless they won't

onwardsup4 · 23/01/2025 17:59

He's right the council won't house him unless he's vulnerable due to illness etc. Not your problem though

FoxtonFoxton · 23/01/2025 18:00

Hdjdb42 · 23/01/2025 17:21

I'd dismantle his bed and leave it outside, by the side of the house. I would not have him over again. Stop being such a people pleaser, he doesn't care about you and making mess.

I would as well.
I'd send him a message saying that you can't provide a room any longer and have packed up any things he has left for him to pick up.
He's a selfish shit and you've done more than enough. About time he stops bumming off you and sorts his life out. I'm all for helping people, but kindness goes both ways.

wassailess · 23/01/2025 18:01

What's his long term plan OP?

BobbyBiscuits · 23/01/2025 18:02

@CoffeeCueen yeah, giving him some honest advice would be good too. He won't last long anywhere if he thinks he can just be a freeloader. Those types often rely on the hope everyone is too embarrassed to call them out about it.

Ilovethewild · 23/01/2025 18:03

Op, like every adult he needs to find his own accommodation.
council won’t help him but there are landlords out there, he can rent a room or a flat and pay rent

thats what is required

he is working, he needs to find somewhere to live.

google, renting a room, shared accommodation lots of sites to checkout.

He won’t do it while you and others house him.

appreciate it’s not easy, but he needs to move out. You can print him a list of advice/ housing services if you want, otherwise tell him to find his own.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 23/01/2025 18:04

TheLargestToblerone · 23/01/2025 17:00

Just to clarify - not that it's really in my defence or his - but he does have one or two other people that he stays with sofa surfing, but he knows he can't stay with any one of us full time. So it's a couple of days here, a few somewhere else, a few days here etc.

I know it's probably a massive drip feed, but he was evicted from a Council property and I think that does complicate things if that is seen as making himself homeless.

If he managed to get himself evicted from a council property then how is it not his fault he ended up homeless?

Notosmartphone · 23/01/2025 18:05

His work is sporadic and he doesn’t earn much

Then he needs to get another fucking job doesn’t he?! Why is he acting like this is a permanent situation that has just happened to him through no fault of his own?

pinkyredrose · 23/01/2025 18:07

Why the hell are you feeding him? Do you say anything when he plays videos out loud or drinks your wine?

Londonrach1 · 23/01/2025 18:07

Can't believe you let him stay so long. Enough is enough...he not helping, paying money and costing you money. No more overnight stays ever! What he do to loose his council property and why is he buying wine or food and paying for the electricity and food he uses

Original poster
TheLargestToblerone · 23/01/2025 18:08

I know I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I’m a bit soft. DP is too, so in combination we’re not great in situations like this, and I take on board the criticisms about that. Being kind and empathetic is something I love about my DP, and I would rather us both be that way than heart hearted, but I get that there’s a middle ground and I need to stand up for myself more.

I have known this friend of DP's for 15 years, and I never would have him pegged as a lazy or cheeky fucker. In fact he has been a great friend to DP, and has always been there for him. I think perhaps there’s an element of paying him back for the things he’s done in the past that has let this go on too long. DP is a contemplative person, and I think he’s hurt that friend has taken the piss, which has played into why I haven’t pushed him on it until now. But he will talk to friend in the morning, sign post him to some of the things suggested here (thank you,) and set some rules for him staying in the future if we decide that he can. The bed can stay and smell until he can reasonably move it.

OP posts:
Kitchensinktoday · 23/01/2025 18:09

YANBU - his situation is not your problem, you have done enough.

housethatbuiltme · 23/01/2025 18:14

Hufflemuff · 23/01/2025 16:23

He needs to go to the council as homeless, he is genuinely homeless so they should hopefully offer him a bed and breakfast place at least. He has a job so that will go in his favour as he will be able to afford some cheaper council type rent.

Total cheeky fuck pisstaker though. I can't imagine sitting in someone's house scoffing chocolate and not offering them any! You would think he'd be doing little chores here and there to say thank you too! He's living like a teenager and you're his mum

Bed & breakfast... lol.

You have never been homeless have you? At best you get a slot in a homeless hostel and theres a reason people choose to sleep rough over that.

The thing is if he has a job and is an adult he should be able to apply for UC which would include a 'housing allowance' to cover rent.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 23/01/2025 18:17

I think you would be really silly to even consider allowing him to stay in the future OP. He won't change, and are you, or your partner, really going to tell him now, that if he pays a little towards his keep, cleans up after himself, and does a few jobs around the house, he can come back? I very much doubt it, as if you were, then why haven't you told him before, in order to prevent things getting to this stage?

Ilikeadrink14 · 23/01/2025 18:21

I can’t believe what I read! Are you completely mad? If this post is for real, then all I can say is, get rid of him pronto! Never mind the one day a week crap. Get him out and keep him out! Good friendship can only go so far.
You worry me!

GreyAreas · 23/01/2025 18:21

'staying here was never a permanent solution, we are not able to have you stay here any more. The bed needs to go by tomorrow because I am having a sort out of the spare room. I'm sorry for your situation, I am glad we could help for a bit, but I am afraid this is the limit of our hospitality.'

RawBloomers · 23/01/2025 18:22

TheLargestToblerone · 23/01/2025 18:08

I know I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I’m a bit soft. DP is too, so in combination we’re not great in situations like this, and I take on board the criticisms about that. Being kind and empathetic is something I love about my DP, and I would rather us both be that way than heart hearted, but I get that there’s a middle ground and I need to stand up for myself more.

I have known this friend of DP's for 15 years, and I never would have him pegged as a lazy or cheeky fucker. In fact he has been a great friend to DP, and has always been there for him. I think perhaps there’s an element of paying him back for the things he’s done in the past that has let this go on too long. DP is a contemplative person, and I think he’s hurt that friend has taken the piss, which has played into why I haven’t pushed him on it until now. But he will talk to friend in the morning, sign post him to some of the things suggested here (thank you,) and set some rules for him staying in the future if we decide that he can. The bed can stay and smell until he can reasonably move it.

YANBU unreasonable to tell him you want him out. But YABU to call yourself empathetic. What you've both done isn't empathetic. Letting him stay is kind, but the rest was cowardly. There is nothing empathetic about letting your resentment grow as he plays video games while you're washing up. The kind and empathetic approach would be to include him in family life - to make life more normal. To ask him to help you with stuff and to let him know what you expect of him and/or what you need him to do to be able to continue having a roof over his head several nights a week, in a friendly way from the beginning. Not to watch him fuck it up and then kick him out after he's burnt his bridges without realising it.

Yes, he should already know this stuff. Yes, he should be pro-active. No, you aren't obliged to empathise with him. But to pretend that letting things get to this state is you being kind and empathetic rather than cowardly is kidding yourself.

AdoraBell · 23/01/2025 18:24

I’m on the fence. While is annoying I suggest your DP could advise him to try the council/Shelter.

Does he work in similar industry of your DP, could he help to get him work?

Dagnabit · 23/01/2025 18:24

The chances of the council housing a single man who has been evicted previously are very slim - quite often they won’t accept homeless duty for a single man in the best of circumstances, that depends on availability. But nonetheless, this isn’t your problem and he’s not exactly trying to blend in by the sounds!

Ponderingwindow · 23/01/2025 18:26

When normal people have sporadic work, they find new jobs with steady paychecks.

did he really get evicted from his previous housing through no fault of his own? That seems unlikely if it was through the council.

someone like this is always going to take advantage of people because he doesn’t want to put in any effort to make his life better.

peachystormy · 23/01/2025 18:29

Whatsitreallylike · 23/01/2025 16:39

YANBU to want him gone, but it is a bit mean to ask him to take a bed tomorrow with no notice. Can you not offer him a weeks notice so he can sort out where it’s going, or would it fit in his car?

I think the OP has reached the end of her tether don't you

peachystormy · 23/01/2025 18:30

Hwi · 23/01/2025 16:55

People are weird. An acquaintance from the past sent me an email and asked if I had a room for 6 months as she wanted to apply for a biomed scientist locum position in our town. When I said I was not looking for lodgers, she said she was hoping to stay for free, so no lodging.

WOW just wow the absolute cheek of it

User757373 · 23/01/2025 18:43

Just kick him out and remind yourself the life of an adult man who is not related to you in any way is not your responsibility. He sounds like a nice guy but sadly also like someone who was not taught very basic life skills growing up, possibly struggles with neurodivergence, MH issues, executive function, overall intelligence or something that prevents him from living an independent adult life. There are lots of men like this who are pleasant on the surface but utterly incapable of getting their own lives together. The fact he seems to have been totally abandoned by his own family also speaks volumes. I doubt he was even intent on being rude but was simply never taught basic etiquette like sharing wine with hosts or cannot understand social cues.

He may also be a literal thinker and assume that an invitation to stay at your home is literally that. He stays in your home. He may not have the social cognition to understand that if someone provides such a generous offer, it actually means you should stay for the shortest time possible while you look for something else.

Uricon2 · 23/01/2025 18:44

He was evicted for not paying his rent, has council tax debt (the kind you can go to prison for) and owes HMRC too.

You said he's had a hard time OP, it sounds very much of his own creation, because CT and council rent are straightforward to claim benefits for.

Apart from that he appears to be a scrounging, selfish slug and maybe losing his cushy spot with you will make him buck up and live like an adult.

Thatissimplyuntrue · 23/01/2025 18:44

I stayed a few days a week with friends over a 6 month period once. They wouldn’t take money so I cleaned and cooked for them whenever I could. I made myself as useful as possible. I can’t imagine being that ungrateful. He sounds depressed I guess but that doesn’t mean you should put up with it.