AIBU to expect SIL to cancel work for her brother's funeral?

[reallyfuckedoff]

My DH died recently and I am in the process of sorting out the house and organising the funeral.
My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

For various quite outing reasons, it has taken a while to get the death certificate and I really want to just get a funeral date as soon as possible; my DC have been in limbo for too long and it's just awful. She knows all of this and has very involved and helpful up until now.

I'm really angry but not sure if I'm being irrational. I've never been in this position before - not sure if her attitude is normal?

I have no doubt that whatever date you book SIL will be there. I also suspect she would be mortified to know that this has upset you. I also suspect that if you said you just wanted to book the soonest date, she would totally understand and agree.

You are both grieving and deserve each others compassion and support. Giving you a list of dates was a bit of an error of judgement but understandable because you asked and she is probably not thinking it through. Asking was a bit of an error, but understandable because your world has just been tipped upside down.

I am so sorry. You probably feel like you are holding the world together at the moment.

For goodness sake-I’d say the death of a brother and attending his funeral on the arranged day-yes, you can just ‘cancel work’. What job is such you can’t do this?

OP, you’ve had the loss of your DH and your children’s father. You will bear the brunt of the administration at this horrible time. Arrange the funeral to suit what you can do.

This . Sorry for your loss 💐.

What a bitch! To make her brother's funeral about her availability????

This is completely unnecessary.
The OP asked, has said the SIL has been “very involved and helpful”.

@reallyfuckedoff the only reason she shouldnt be available for her brothers funeral is if she is dead too!!! what a horrible person she is!

I don't care if she's a neurosurgeon. She needs to come to any date given for the funeral.

Unless there's some dramatic backstory, there really is no excuse.

I will give an example - I have no help and support and know if and when my grandparent dies, I will shell out £500ish for 24 hours worth of childcare/care for my disabled DC.

I have absolutely nobody to help me but I will pay mega bucks just so I can be there.

There's no excuse.

The one request I've ever heard a family member make was to have the funeral on a Friday if possible, because no-one was going to feel like going back to work straight after. Especially for people travelling.

A list of availability dates seems strange. I suspect there is more going on behind the scenes. Are you close enough to say to her that you can't guarantee it, so much depends on the funeral director, the crematorium or church etc and does she have more flexibility?

As for jobs being supportive, my immediate boss insisted I attend a morning meeting before travelling to a family funeral. It meant sitting with the management team who were casually dressed for work while I was in a black suit and heels, and then driving there and back alone rather than with my family.

@reallyfuckedoff I always think, if you can, best to assume best possible motives with close family, give benefit of the doubt.

You must be absolutely reeling, do what's best for you and the dc but don't assume she's being difficult, she probably thinks she's helping.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, how awful.

She's not a horrible person at all; she's lovely and is also in deep shock.
She has very valid reasons for not being keen on me and has been great up until this.
She had previously intimated that there were some dates that might be difficult, so I politely asked for details - I was expecting maybe 2 or 3 max with the proviso that she could make any date if necessary.
Instead I got a list of 10 dates in the next 3 weeks.
I was really taken aback. I will do my best to accommodate her and very much want her there.

People on this thread are giving advice that - if followed- could have lifelong impact on a bereaved family.

FFS READ THE WHOLE THREAD... or don't comment.
Please.

hi,
so sorry for your loss xx
My DH died in summer 2023, and I had to organise the funeral etc. his family are a plane flight away, so they had days that worked better for flights, so I took that into account, but available days for the actual service at the crematorium were in short supply, so it was hard.

It really depends on her reasons for not attending (it's a bit tricky vs I am carrying out repairs on the international space station).

I think that you should just get the date set, it's hard when it's hanging over your head as unresolved. You can tell her that the date is the only one available and you obviously needed to get this done.

Hope you are coping ok, and have got some good support around you.

And for the person saying you can't cancel work, well - people manage to attend funerals when it is meaningful to them - we had friends came to my husband's funeral from America, Europe, Scandinavia - if they care (and are physically able) they come - of course they do. The ceremony was also broadcast, so those who couldn't attend, could still 'be there'.

If they're both self-employed then they're probably trying to avoid days with work booked because it seems too difficult to phone a client and rearrange something that may have taken months to organise.

She's handled it the completely wrong way by passing this stress onto OP of course, but she's just lost her brother and is obviously struggling. I really recognise this kind of brain freeze from when I lost mine: I can't ask Brian to move that session because he's depending on me and I want to carry on as normal. It is of course completely in her head and Brian would be horrified to think that she feels like she can't change her session.

But that's what grief is like. A fog where you can't think straight.

I'm sorry for your loss Op and sorry this has been landed on you, but it's not coming from maliciousness or spite, it's coming from the same place as your own grief. Not saying she did the right thing, but I understand why she did it.

It depends on many situations and also relationship and her past with her brother.
Don't rush to condemn one person because it seems "insensitive" to strangers on a chat.
Added
Her brother is dead, her job might be a lifeline for her.
Sorry.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Your OP is very misleading. You made it sound like your SIL callously demanded that you not book the funeral on these particular dates. She did no such thing. She only gave you those dates because you asked her. Had you not asked her, she would have likely made it work with whatever date you arranged. But now you've wound yourself up and have MN calling her all sorts of names.

10 unavailable dates in the next 3 weeks is massively unreasonable of her.
Of she says she would be traveling maybe 2 or 3 dates and can't change that, I would understand....

Sorry for your loss, I’m sorry to say that organising a funeral during the winter, and after Christmas period, you are probably looking at 3 weeks time at least.

I think grief does weird things to people. And sometimes that’s to focus on things that are in your control and feel important at the time but when you have more perspective actually feel absurd that they felt important. Like work.

I hope you can get help processing all of this when the time is right. It’s such a lot to manage

I missed that, that completely changes my opinion.

Sorry for your loss.

it’s not a dinner party that you coordinate with those you most want to attend. It is afuneral of your DH and the DF of your children. Arrange it around them and if she is unable to attend that is her issue. Frankly there are very very few jobs where your SiL would not be given compassionate leave for a bothers funeral without question so making this about her is deeply selfish and insensitive.

Op if you feel able to take her with you to the undertakers.

Of those 10 dates over 3 weeks there might be some that are more ridged that others. It's important she's there to support you and kids. Both now and for the years ahead.

Much easier to sort a date together than have mis communication and ill feeling.

It is pretty important info that was missed out of the original post, kind of making this thread a bit pointless?

I'm very sorry for your loss, and it must really add to what you're having to cope with to have someone being difficult like this. I suppose if choosing one of the dates that your sister in law can make would only delay the funeral by another day, and it suited you and the other important people who need to be there, then I would maybe take that into account if there was a really important reason why it would be very difficult for her to be there on an earlier date. As another poster said, the only type of reason why I could imagine someone not being able to take a day off work for the funeral of a close relative would be if they were a surgeon with operations booked - I can't think of anything else where it would be impossible and in 99.9% of cases you have to put your family first. It's very heartless thst your sister in law is being difficult like this.

There is a difference between being asked and saying ' here are 3 dates I'd really rather avoid if possible', and a 'long list of dates she can't do'.

Yeah I agree. Although grief does funny things to people so I totally get it. Hugs to OP 💐