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AIBU?

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Original poster

16 year old daughter dating a 21 year old man

108 replies

tenp4ea · 22/01/2025 19:27

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit out of my depth and could use some advice. My 16 year-old daughter has recently started dating a 21 year-old man, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

For context, she’s a mature and sensible girl for her age, but she’s still in sixth form and living at home, whereas he’s working full-time and living independently. They met through mutual friends, and she’s assured me he’s lovely and treats her well. From what I’ve seen, he does seem polite and respectful, but I can’t shake the feeling that the age gap at this stage in her life is a bit… off?

I understand that legally, there’s nothing wrong with it, and she keeps reminding me of that, but I still worry about the power dynamics and the different stages of life they’re at. She’s still figuring herself out, whereas he’s had five more years of adult life experience.

I don’t want to come across as overbearing or push her away by being too critical, but I also want to protect her and make sure she’s not being taken advantage of. Am I overreacting? Should I be setting firmer boundaries?

Would really appreciate any advice or perspectives, especially if anyone’s been in a similar situation.

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Knackered1 · 22/01/2025 19:34

She is a child, he is not.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 22/01/2025 19:39

I was 16 when I met my first serious bf and he was 21....same wavelength despite him working ft and me at college. We got a flat. Lasted about a year or 2...

Louve · 22/01/2025 19:39

Gosh, this is a really tricky one - as mentioned, she is a child and it is worrying that a 21-year old man would want to date a 16-year old. Then again, you sound like a loving and supportive mum who wants the best for her.
Are you close enough with her to have a real heart to heart about how it makes her feel? You probably can't ban her from seeing him but can raise your concerns in a diplomatic way.

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 22/01/2025 19:40

I was 16 when I had my first "proper" relationship. We were together for 9.5 years and have 2 DC.

That said, I'm not sure I'd be happy if I were my mum!

4dcsExhaustedMuma · 22/01/2025 19:41

At 16 I lived with my 26 yo boyfriend. It didn't end well. But to family I told them he was amazing, he was in front of others too.
He wasn't. That's the reality. I was young naieve and stupid.
We live and learn

shellyleppard · 22/01/2025 19:42

I think the age gap is too big. However if you try and object it will just push her closer to him. Have a chat with your daughter and reassure her that you will be there for her.

nellythe · 22/01/2025 19:42

I’m a little conflicted on this. On one hand, I can’t see why an adult would want to date a child, in full time education, 5 years their junior.
On the other hand, it’s entirely legal. If she’s mature & he’s a little immature, or even just a typical 21 year old boy, then there’s every chance they have suitable maturity levels.
Either way, there’s not much you can do other than help her navigate what, I assume, is one of her first more grown up relationships.

PiastriThePastry · 22/01/2025 19:43

I can see why you’re feeling uncomfortable about this but I fear all you will achieve by becoming more critical or making it clear you do not approve is to push her further into his arms. It may all end in tears, but realistically so might a relationship with another 16 year old. In fact, it’s very likely to. I think it’s important she knows she can come to you with any problems or concerns without feeling there’ll be judgement or an ‘I told you so’ attitude. When I was 15, my boyfriend was 19 (so not quite as large a gap but still) and he was a good guy, generally. We were together 3 years and it fizzled of its own accord.

Allthenameshavegone1972 · 22/01/2025 19:45

Same age gap for my parents & same ages. Everyone was against it, but they went ahead anyway. Sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with. They had just short of 60 years happy marriage until he passed away. Mind you things were different back in the early 60's

MyProudHare · 22/01/2025 19:45

I had a 22yo boyfriend when I was 17. We were together for many years, lived together and whatnot. Eventually grew apart but I still count him as one of my closest friends over 20 years later.

BigSilly · 22/01/2025 19:45

Knackered1 · 22/01/2025 19:34

She is a child, he is not.

A 16 year old really is not a child!

Original poster
tenp4ea · 22/01/2025 19:45

Louve · 22/01/2025 19:39

Gosh, this is a really tricky one - as mentioned, she is a child and it is worrying that a 21-year old man would want to date a 16-year old. Then again, you sound like a loving and supportive mum who wants the best for her.
Are you close enough with her to have a real heart to heart about how it makes her feel? You probably can't ban her from seeing him but can raise your concerns in a diplomatic way.

We are quite close, which I’m really grateful for, so I think a proper heart to heart might be the way forward. I don’t want her to feel like I’m attacking her choices, but I do want to make sure she’s thought about all the potential issues. I guess I just find it hard to understand what a 21 year old would have in common with someone still in school, and it makes me question his intentions, even if she insists he’s genuine.

You’re right, I can’t ban her from seeing him (as much as I might want to sometimes!). I think I’ll try to approach it calmly and focus on asking questions about how she feels, rather than jumping in with my worries straight away. Hopefully, that’ll open up the conversation without making her defensive.

OP posts:
Purplebunnie · 22/01/2025 19:46

I was 16 and had a 21 year old boyfriend. True and utter gentleman. Didn't last long as he got a job in another country.

Dror · 22/01/2025 19:46

@nellythe 21 year old men are not 'boys'.

@BigSilly people become adults when they are 18.

JacquesHarlow · 22/01/2025 19:47

Do you allow her to stay over regularly at his @tenp4ea ?

For me that’s where the big question / issue lies.

It’s not about sex (if they want to have it, they’ll be having it anyway), it’s more about how much time she would be spending away from the family home with a 21 year old who has his own place, versus a 17 year old who doesn’t.

BirdIsland · 22/01/2025 19:48

I had a 21 year old boyfriend when I was 16. I was a very mature, sensible 16 year old and he was a perfectly pleasant person. The power balance was definitely with me. I don't look back on him badly.

You know your daughter, and know her personality and maturity level. Whilst the age gap is probably not ideal, it might not be as awful as it sounds. Just encourage good communication and try not let your daughter see any disapproval.

Ilovegermany · 22/01/2025 19:49

I was 16 and my exH was 20 when we got together. We got married 5 years later and I had DD at 24 and separated at when I was 26 and divorced at 29.

wastingtimeonhere · 22/01/2025 19:49

Read the other thread about the 17 nearly 18 year old and the mystery boyfriend with kids..Learn from that one. It will avoid that pitfall.

nellythe · 22/01/2025 19:50

Dror · 22/01/2025 19:46

@nellythe 21 year old men are not 'boys'.

@BigSilly people become adults when they are 18.

In terms of maturity, they very often are more akin to a ‘boy’. I’m quite aware he is a ‘man’ and have acknowledged in my post that he is an adult. Moving forward, I’ll try not to use any language in this thread that you may find disagreeable.

Edited to add that I really hope that the use of ‘boyfriend’ through this thread so far isn’t causing too much of an issue! 😱

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 22/01/2025 19:50

She probably thinks that dating an older lad means that she's mature for her age OP, and she probably is. At the end of the day, as you've said, there is nothing illegal in it, and as long as he's treating her well, it may actually do her some good, as when you mix with older people, it does tend to give you a different view on life, than when you spend all your time with youngsters of your own age. For example, if she were going through the 'I don't want to carry on in education, I've had enough of that now' stage, then going out with someone who already works, and is setting a good example, is going to be better for her than going out with another teenager, who also doesn't want to carry on in education, and may even think the world owes them a living, as some youngsters seem to do these days. I can understand your concerns, but my advice would be get to know him, be really nice to him, and then you will either be able to see for yourself what she sees in him, or it will put her off of him if you're always going on about how lovely he is - you know how contrary teenage girls can be, right?

Guineapiggywiggy · 22/01/2025 19:50

I had a 22 year old boyfriend at 16. I grew up and out grew him, but that took 4 years. He was a lovely bloke, but too small town for me.

Createausername1970 · 22/01/2025 19:50

It is a big age difference, but if she is mature for her age and he is a bit young for his age, then emotionally they might meet in the middle.

If you try to intervene it won't end well, but if you can keep communicating with your daughter and explain your reservations without judgement, you are leaving the door open for her to say if she feels something isn't right.

My first boyfriend was about 3 years older than me, back in the 80s and 5 years wasn't uncommon.

Dartmoorcheffy · 22/01/2025 19:54

Lots of 21yo men are still very immature, lots of 16yo girls are quite mature beyond their years. If they get on ok, he treats her well, and they are happy I would leave them to it. It could fizzle out, it might last a decade, it might last a lifetime. I honestly wouldn't be too concerned unless he has a bad reputation, or has already got kids.

Original poster
tenp4ea · 22/01/2025 19:59

JacquesHarlow · 22/01/2025 19:47

Do you allow her to stay over regularly at his @tenp4ea ?

For me that’s where the big question / issue lies.

It’s not about sex (if they want to have it, they’ll be having it anyway), it’s more about how much time she would be spending away from the family home with a 21 year old who has his own place, versus a 17 year old who doesn’t.

That’s a really good point, and it’s something I’ve been thinking about as well.

At the moment, I haven’t allowed her to stay over at his, and she hasn’t really pushed for it either. I think it would feel like a big step away from the family dynamic, especially given her age and the fact he’s in such a different stage of life.

I know what you mean about it not being about sex; it’s more the idea of her spending so much time in his world and perhaps becoming distant from ours. It’s already a bit tricky balancing her independence with making sure she still feels grounded at home.

I suppose my worry is that if I dig my heels in too much, it might push her towards him more, but at the same time, I think there do need to be boundaries. It’s such a fine line, isn’t it?

OP posts:
margotsdevil · 22/01/2025 20:01

I met my now husband at exactly the same ages. Although I'd have happily dated him then he wasn't interested and we were proper friends for years before we became a couple. We had loads of mutual interests.

My mum (16) moved in with my dad (26) and they were together for nearly 50 years until she died. I appreciate that was the 70s though!