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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

16 year old daughter dating a 21 year old man

108 replies

tenp4ea · 22/01/2025 19:27

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit out of my depth and could use some advice. My 16 year-old daughter has recently started dating a 21 year-old man, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

For context, she’s a mature and sensible girl for her age, but she’s still in sixth form and living at home, whereas he’s working full-time and living independently. They met through mutual friends, and she’s assured me he’s lovely and treats her well. From what I’ve seen, he does seem polite and respectful, but I can’t shake the feeling that the age gap at this stage in her life is a bit… off?

I understand that legally, there’s nothing wrong with it, and she keeps reminding me of that, but I still worry about the power dynamics and the different stages of life they’re at. She’s still figuring herself out, whereas he’s had five more years of adult life experience.

I don’t want to come across as overbearing or push her away by being too critical, but I also want to protect her and make sure she’s not being taken advantage of. Am I overreacting? Should I be setting firmer boundaries?

Would really appreciate any advice or perspectives, especially if anyone’s been in a similar situation.

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
ServantsGonnaServe · 23/01/2025 00:07

The problem she doesn't see now is that blokes like this are normally hanging around with groups of 15/16 year olds which, as an adult, you see very differently.

Those men aren't fitting in with their peers and, from what I've experienced personally, never seem to have any real ambition.

I had a similar relationship and my mum let it fizzle out and I'm still not sure how I feel about that. It was a different time. I think perhaps I'd have liked a word about how you're worried she will see the relationship differently in 10 years time and you're there for her.

It took me a long time to realise it was wrong of my ex to be OK with dating a child and it would have meant something to me to have it in the back of my mind that someone else though that it wasn't OK and I wasn't overreacting to be repulsed as an adult when I came to the same conclusion.

Taylor Swifts "would've, could've, should've" song really resonates.

Tillow4ever · 23/01/2025 00:13

SwerveCity · 22/01/2025 21:17

Complete double standards then, the amount of people saying they did it but would not be happy if their own daughter did it. That’s because it’s gross. She’s practically a child. What would an adult man see in a teenager.

It's not double standards to say you recognise why/how the situation is happening because you were in that position all those years ago and can see with the benefit of hindsight it wasn't healthy! It's called growing and learning.

ServantsGonnaServe · 23/01/2025 00:14

BobbiJo · 22/01/2025 23:29

My first proper bf was 20 when I was 16.
We lasted about 5 years, was going to get a house and have a child etc.
Due to circumstances, we didn't, broke my heart when that ended tbh and I don't think I ever really got over it... I'm 45 now.

When I read this, I feel like your perspective is that you're sad you never got over your relationship ending.

My perspective is that if he had stayed away, you'd have had the opportunity to grow in those 5 years at a slower pace. Shorter relationship, probably with silly boys which resulted in shorted, sharp and normal painful teenage love and angst.

Instead you grieved an adult future at a child age and you're still perturbed.

I had a shorter but a similar age gap and age relationship and was fine with it at the time but as an adult, I'm angry he didn't know better. Sorry to project. I think its interesting we can see things differently but can agree on the damage.

BobbiJo · 23/01/2025 00:29

ServantsGonnaServe · 23/01/2025 00:14

When I read this, I feel like your perspective is that you're sad you never got over your relationship ending.

My perspective is that if he had stayed away, you'd have had the opportunity to grow in those 5 years at a slower pace. Shorter relationship, probably with silly boys which resulted in shorted, sharp and normal painful teenage love and angst.

Instead you grieved an adult future at a child age and you're still perturbed.

I had a shorter but a similar age gap and age relationship and was fine with it at the time but as an adult, I'm angry he didn't know better. Sorry to project. I think its interesting we can see things differently but can agree on the damage.

No. It was the still birth at 20 that killed the future and the plans we had. Thanks though.

Askthecat · 23/01/2025 00:36

I was a headstrong, unhappy but academically successful 'sensible and mature' 15 year old when I got with my 21 year old boyfriend.

He was a selfish, insecure manchild who love bombed me to give me the sense of belonging I craved, and emotionally manipulated me for 3 1/2 years. I was 'legal' for most of the time I was with him, but that didn't make me less vulnerable. My parents didn't like the sex part when I was underage, but were too scared to try and stop me from seeing him, so he stayed in my home when he visited. They knew we had sex, so they put me on the pill, but they didn't know he would show me porn to teach me what he liked, and fetishise me in my school uniform. They didn't know know he would put his hands around my throat and throw things at me when we spend time at his place, or that he made false reports to the police about me if I left.

Over the years, when I would sob because we would row about me having my own life (a job, college work and a few friends), and he would so often threaten to leave me because my independence hurt his feelings, my parents didn't know what to do for fear of pushing me away, so they comforted me and said relationships are hard and take work.

At nearly 40 I'm still dealing with the emotional control and training this relationship impressed on me at such a formative time. I wish somebody had had a really frank conversation with me about what love is and is not, and what control can look like from someone who plays the victim, uses your mental health against you, and tries to isolate you.

Not all age gaps are a power imbalance, but there's a distinct possibility they can be, and men who start relationships with children are often doing so for specific reasons which they can be good at hiding/denying. I wouldn't want to take the chance of letting the same thing happen to another young person that happened to me.

I'd say yes, do make it clear you're there for her, but also talk about some examples of healthy and unhealthy relationship behaviours/dynamics, and try to keep this conversation open and ongoing. Use cultural reference points to bring this up if need be, and say clearly how you would hope those scenarios would be handled.

Even if she doesn't tell you the details of her relationship, she may recognise things you describe and it may equip her to question anything untoward early on, maybe talk to someone about it, and even establish her own boundaries.

Nobody really told me I could have boundaries and still love someone. Or that I could have hard outs, and this wouldn't make me cruel or selfish person, until I was completely wrapped up in this dynamic and couldnt see a way out.

Young women and girls need to hear this stuff, repeatedly and clearly, especially if they're in relationships with men. Even if they are already 'sensible and mature' for their age.

Eyerollexpert · 23/01/2025 06:13

My son is 21 and has a lovely group of friends. If one of them had such a young girlfriend they would all be outraged and would definitely not be supportive, although it is only a few years at that age it is a big difference.
I know this because I have been there when they have discussed this in front of me about a school acquaintance.

LittleMonks11 · 23/01/2025 08:59

I've realised I turned 18 halfway through my romance with 21 year old so not such an age gap. A young 16 I'd probably not be happy with for my DD.

Tink3rbell30 · 23/01/2025 09:03

Eww what does he want with a child that's still in school?🤢

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