16 year old daughter dating a 21 year old man

[tenp4ea]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit out of my depth and could use some advice. My 16 year-old daughter has recently started dating a 21 year-old man, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

For context, she’s a mature and sensible girl for her age, but she’s still in sixth form and living at home, whereas he’s working full-time and living independently. They met through mutual friends, and she’s assured me he’s lovely and treats her well. From what I’ve seen, he does seem polite and respectful, but I can’t shake the feeling that the age gap at this stage in her life is a bit… off?

I understand that legally, there’s nothing wrong with it, and she keeps reminding me of that, but I still worry about the power dynamics and the different stages of life they’re at. She’s still figuring herself out, whereas he’s had five more years of adult life experience.

I don’t want to come across as overbearing or push her away by being too critical, but I also want to protect her and make sure she’s not being taken advantage of. Am I overreacting? Should I be setting firmer boundaries?

Would really appreciate any advice or perspectives, especially if anyone’s been in a similar situation.

Thanks in advance!

Because as a 16 year old child you think it's pretty cool and flattering having someone a bit older interested in you, then you grow up and realise its just fucking weird that an adult man is sniffing around a child who hasn't even sat GCSEs yet.

It's best to be supportive, regardless. Years ago I had two older friends who had teens around 16/ 17. The parents of the girl freaked out because their dd was in school and the bf was in his 20s and worked a low paid job. Their opposition drove her to leave home while still at school, move in with him and become estranged from them for several years. The other family had a son and the parents negotiated with his gf's parents re sleeping arrangements etc (there wasn't a big age gap, but it was their response that I noted) - they were cool and permissive and the relationship eventually ended. I decided then how I wouid respond when my own children were that age......

It’s not helpful to call someone who is legally allowed to consent to sex, a child. Children need protection from anyone who wants sex with them. A 16 year old very young for sure, but probably 3 or 4 years post puberty and over the legal age of consent. Until very recently she’d have been allowed to marry.

I'm assuming if she was 21 and he 26 you wouldn't have an issue. Personally, I don't think the age gap is that big, it's the differences in where they're at emotionally that's the problem. Unless he's a problem, let it run it's course. The likelihood is that when she gets to 18 she'll go to uni and the relationship will end anyway.

I don't like it. Though I unfortunately don't have any parenting advice to give. I don't know what I would do if I was the parent of either one of them but wouldn't be happy

I wonder what they get up to. Does he buy her alcohol/cigarettes/vapes? Things she isn't legally able to get herself. What are his interests and hobbies? What must his friends think (or does he not have any...)
I was part of a large group of friends that were mostly boys and when I was 17/18 I remember 2 of them aged 18yo and 19yo both having girlfriends that were 16 and no one in our group was pleased about it. We often went to the pub and they'd go to house parties with the younger ones instead. When they did socialise at the pub with us we took the utter piss out of them because, well, they're going out with school kids! Embarrassing. None of us were happy when they tried to extend invites to our birthdays/house parties/Halloween etc and I was eventually branded a mean girl for making my feelings about not wanting to hang out with kids very well known.

A 'typical 21 year old boy'should not be anywhere near a child.

DH and I met when I was 17 and he was 22…granted, I was almost 18 (and he was almost 23 - our birthdays are really close together) - but I was still in upper 6th and had braces on my teeth! We’ve been together almost 25 years, it genuinely wasn’t weird.

Tricky situation for you but to offer another perspective, my sister was 16 when she got together with her first properly serious boyfriend, who was 23. I was 18, and I thought he was really old, but my parents handled it very pragmatically. Turns out he was (is) a good guy. They have been together ever since and have 2 kids aged 19 and 17. He’s 53 now and she’s 46 and I don’t notice any sort of age gap. He’s my brother in law and I love him so not all age gap relationships are something to worry about!

A 16 year old is a child. They are an adult when they turn 18. It's not helpful to play it down.

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo she can't drink in a pub. She can't gamble. She can't drive

Why are those things in place?

Not necessarily double standards. I thought I was far more mature at 16 than I

1. Probably was.
2. See 16 year olds now that I'm much older, and have parented that age.

As an aside, I had done my GCSEs at 16 for everyone talking about being at school. I was at 6th form and working part time. (Although accept that the rules have changed around school leaving age in England.

What's the phrase?

"You're not mature for your age, he's a predator"

Look, there are exceptions. Obviously. And age gaps later in life are usually fine. But what does a 21 year old have in common with a 16 year old? They are at vastly different point sin life. There is a lot of growing up in those years.

If he is a friend of a friend, do you know his family? His parents etc.? I would be pushing for those details. Unfortunately, forbidding the relationship as other have said may push her further into it.

I find it troubling that in the UK someone can be called a 'child' and for it also to be legal to have sex with them. The definition is wrong. Children absolutely should not be having sex.
Young people of 16 and 17 need protection from predators because they are vulnerable and inexperienced, and in that sense they might be called children. But it's misleading to talk about the 21 year in this post 'having sex with a child' as though he's a pedophile abusing a little girl of 12 who may have been coerced or tricked or bullied into verbally agreeing to sex and then keeping quiet about it. That little girl can't consent; she's too young.
The 21 year old mentioned in this thread isn't doing anything like that. He's asked out a girl he knows socially, with the knowledge of his family and hers, and at some point she has consented to sex with him, and by the sound of it is happy with her decision.

There is something very wrong with a 21 year old man dating a 16 year old. Most 21 year olds I know, and I know a fair few as my son is that age, would be embarrassed and would find it weird, potentially pervy.

I also have a very nearly 16 year old daughter, she wouldn’t dream of dating a man of 21. Lots of girls who think they’re mature would do it, but it’s a sign of immaturity to not realise that it’s not appropriate.

Tricky. I met my husband when I was a massively mature 16 and he was 23. We’re still together and very happy thirty years later. My parents didn’t interfere but in hindsight we had a lot of discussion around my ambitions/ future plans and how someone who loved you would want you to fully reach your potential. I think they were scared I’d fall pregnant/ not go to college/ uni etc and generally kind of settle without seeing ‘the world’. In reality I went to Uni/ travelled/ didn’t actually marry him until I was 30 and we have a lovely life with three kids. I’ve done everything I wanted to with husbands support. Wasn’t easy when I was at Uni etc but it can sometimes last. Never pressured into anything physical and that side didn’t start until I was 18. What I’m saying I think is having chats about what a healthy relationship looks like is more important than focusing on age? So that any red flags she comes across she can pick up? Also getting to know him will tell you a lot about his attitudes etc

As a 21 year old woman, all I can say is I would have absolutely zero interest in dating a 16 year old boy. I wouldn't even look at someone that age in that kind of way. The thought of having a full time adult job whilst dating someone in their first year of A levels makes me cringe.

I didnt suggest for one moment it was like a 12 year old who couldn't consent. However I still have no understanding of what a 21 year old man wants with a 16 year old child.

I had the same age gap at her age. He came across very charming and everyone kind of gave him a pass because I was “mature” and the relationship lasted a long time. he was actually a massive creep and had a thing for younger girls/virgins. It took me years to see that and I stil would never admit that to anyone in real life. I actually really believed at the time that he liked me inspite of not because of my age and that I was very unique and mature.

of course your daugher thinks he’s great she’s flattered, she feels special and he’s a world apart in terms of being charming compared to boys her own age who are so awkward and annoying. And he’s probably a lot more confident at sex. But he’s fucking gross.

I wouldn’t pussy foot around this. Tell her you can’t physically stop her but this guy is gross and she shouldn’t see him anymore. Any decent person at 21 would be embarrassed to be dating a child. I think back to visiting my ex at uni now and how all his housemates were clearly weirded out and just think no wonder, how was he not embarrassed!?

My first proper bf was 20 when I was 16.
We lasted about 5 years, was going to get a house and have a child etc.
Due to circumstances, we didn't, broke my heart when that ended tbh and I don't think I ever really got over it... I'm 45 now.

The thing is though.. it can go right the other way. You say they should have banned it but, I had a relationship at 16 my parents did not like.. they tried to ban it but i just left and went to live with him. And I never returned home. Didn't even have contact with them for 7 years.

What is the actual age gap? Is she about to turn 17, and he's only just turned 21? Sounds mad but that can make a difference. If she's just turned 16 and he's about to be 22 that is completely different.

Most 21yo boys are immature to a point so they're probably on the same wavelength.

Does your daughter look older? Does she present like a woman? Or does she look like a teenager?

I think she probably doesn’t seem like a child to him. Fresh and beautiful and charming, perhaps, and though younger than him, in his age group.

Ew

When I was 16 I had my first proper boyfriend. He was 21. Initially he wasn't too sure because of the age difference but my parents actually encouraged him!

We were together about 18 months. But I wanted out sooner. He emotionally blackmailed me into staying for a good 6 months - I didn't have the emotional toolbelt so to speak to help me deal with that situation.

With hindsight and seeing how it was the sign that I was going to pick emotionally abusive, older men I wish my parents had done more to stop it. Would I have listened? I don't know - but I pretty sure in my case, he wouldn't have gone ahead and asked me out had he not been encouraged by mum and dad that it was ok.

I don't know how to suggest approaching it with your daughter in a way that she will listen. Maybe just make sure she knows that you are there for her, without judgement, if she ever needs to talk to you. And make sure you are.

If she ends up out of this relationship, consider paying for therapy for her to work through what is best for her in the future when it comes to relationships.

Oh and in my case, I was still in secondary school, not even halfway through year 11. He was at university.