16 year old daughter dating a 21 year old man

[tenp4ea]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit out of my depth and could use some advice. My 16 year-old daughter has recently started dating a 21 year-old man, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

For context, she’s a mature and sensible girl for her age, but she’s still in sixth form and living at home, whereas he’s working full-time and living independently. They met through mutual friends, and she’s assured me he’s lovely and treats her well. From what I’ve seen, he does seem polite and respectful, but I can’t shake the feeling that the age gap at this stage in her life is a bit… off?

I understand that legally, there’s nothing wrong with it, and she keeps reminding me of that, but I still worry about the power dynamics and the different stages of life they’re at. She’s still figuring herself out, whereas he’s had five more years of adult life experience.

I don’t want to come across as overbearing or push her away by being too critical, but I also want to protect her and make sure she’s not being taken advantage of. Am I overreacting? Should I be setting firmer boundaries?

Would really appreciate any advice or perspectives, especially if anyone’s been in a similar situation.

Thanks in advance!

I dated a 21 year old (lovely man, friend of my best friend's older sister) when I was 17. He got too serious (marriage and baby names talk!) and I ended it after seven months. Broke his wee heart. I very much doubt it will last. He was my first love I suppose. It was intense. He's just finished uni and had a proper corporate graduate job, i and was doing my a levels. Different life stages.

I was 17, my boyfriend was 23. Been married 20 years now!

FWIW my previous boyfriend was only 3 years older, but he was an abusive, controlling arsehole and I had a lucky escape.

I got together with my first proper boyfriend when I was 15 and he was 21. He was very young and geeky and we just got on well, had similar interests and hobbies. There was no power imbalance, if anything, I wore the trousers 🤣
We got engaged when I was 18. As I started growing up and maturing we ended up breaking up when I was 21 as I’d changed a lot and wanted different things.
Ive no regrets though and we’re still in touch now nearly 30 years later x

I was 15 at school and dated a 25 yr old. My parents thought it would fizzle out. It didn't. I left school and brought a house with him when I was 18. Got married.
I regretted it so much and resented my parents for letting it happen!
I thought I was grown up but I wasn't. I just wanted more freedom.

Yeah, you're correct, an unmarried man dating a woman is just a boyfriend.

However in this case it's a man preying upon a child, not a relationship of equals.

This was my DSis but a slightly bigger age gap. They're long married, 3 DC (who are also adults) and they're in their 50s now.

My mum was 16 when she got with my dad who was 22. They've now been together 47 years.

It depends whether he's a decent guy or not. I agree I think it's odd & raises concern when a 21 yr old man is interested in a 16 yr old girl.

When I was 17 I had a relationship with a 29 year old. It lasted just under 2 years. Initially I thought he was wonderful, of course but looking back now he was manipulative and I understand now why he was interested in being with a 17 year old as I put up with a lot of shit, that I wouldn't have done a few years later.

Can you meet him? Suggest he pop in to say hello next time he picks her up? He needs to understand she has people who love her and are looking out for her.

My friend was 15 when she started dating a 21 year old. Her parents, mum especially, were furious. Really interfered, made their feelings very clear.

They got engaged when she was 18, married at 21, had several kids and divorced 19 years ago.

She told me fhat if her parents had kept their noses out it would have fizzled out. Their nonsense pushed them together...

Can you spend time with the boyfriend, observe the dynamic, and then communicate with your dd if you’re happy for the relationship to progress? You may not be able to stop it progressing if she’s adamant but if you show that you are making informed judgements she may be more willing to listen to and consider/act on your view.

Personally, I think your dd could benefit from seeing that you are taking action (respectfully) here, so she can feel supported. Especially as relationships are a mixed bag as we know.

OP, you should definitely spanner this relationship, your daughter will love you for ever.

Yes they are. They are legally a minor until the age of 18

God i feel for you. How did they meet? I really do think that any decent 21 year old man would understand that a 16 year old is just too young.
No advice sorry - sounds like you have as much of a grip on the situation as you can. I guess just try to remain calm and keep lines of communication open, maybe try some distraction although not much would work against teenage infatuation.

Yes it’s legal, she’s mature blah blah blah… at the end of the day why would a 21 year old adult want a teenager? It’s gross.

Ok so she's 16 and you're worried that she's seeing a 21 year old. Would you be happy with 19, 17? What's ultimately the difference if he's a nice person who is good to her.

I started going out with my DH when I was 16 nearly 17, he was 21, friends gave us 2 weeks, then 2 months, but here we are some 47 years later still together. My Mum and Dad liked him from first meeting him, I had a 10pm curfew for a few months. His parents were fine, although not so happy that he spent a lot of money on me, rather than saving at first. We bought our first property when I was 20.

I can see both sides. I had just turned 18 and was also living at home and in sixth form when I met my husband who was 23 at the time. So same age gap but slightly different because I was a legal adult. Personally I’ve never felt that he was too old for me and our maturity levels matched quite well. Although it does seem a little odd in this case that he’s chosen to date a child rather than someone over 18. DH has said before that he would not have dated me if I were any younger because he would never have chosen someone who was legally a child even if they were over the age of consent. It would have felt very weird to him.

I am really surprised by these responses as the parent of a teenage girl and a 22 year old man. If DS was dating a 16 year old I would ask him what he was playing at!

Nor would I be happy with DD dating an adult man. Yes it was normal when I was growing up, bla bla bla and an adult boyfriend with a car was a massive win when I was teen, especially if they picked you up from school. But when I look back on those lads now I can see that they were just a bit lacking (rather than predatory in most cases) and women their own age probably weren’t interested in them.

It could turn nasty OP, but it might not. Twenty one is still very young. Young men of that age can be pretty immature and 16 year girls mature for their age, so the 'power difference' is likely to be less than it would be the other way around.
Ideally he would have waited a year or two before asking her out, but I don't think she is more likely to be upset or harmed by this than a relationship with someone closer to her own age. A lot depends on how they are with each other. And it is likely to fizzle out before long if it's allowed to run its course.
It would be very wrong if this man was a teacher or in some other position of responsibility, or if he had been grooming her while she was underage. But he isn't. He's a guy she met through friends, and they fell for each other.
People who strongly believe that 16 year olds are unable to make a sensible decision about consent because they are still children, should seriously think of lobbying parliament to change the law.

I had a 24 year old boyfriends at 16. I wouldn't like it if it was my daughter though tbh

Yes, that's a good way of describing them - a bit lacking. Women in their 20's wouldn't be interested in them.

unfortunately OP I think the only thing you can do is keep her close. Talk to her and gently voice your concerns but don’t drive her away xx

I understand your worry and I'd feel the same but she's correct, it is completely legal. Therefore you need to tread carefully. You need to make sure you are there for her if this does turn out to be an abusive or exploitative situation. You do that not by going in guns blazing.. but by having a reasonable conversation with her. Try and make it as calm as possible and just go through the times of problems a power dynamic like that could throw up. Let her know you are worried and you will always be there for her, but also acknowledge she is over the age of consent and it's up to her who she sleeps with.
The key here is not to push her away into his arms. The relationship between you and your daughter is the most important thing here.. approaching this with anger will push her away from you and you won't be able to help her if things become difficult for her.

It's tricky. I lived with my 21 yr old boyfriend when I was 17. He was divorced with a 5 yr old daughter, single parent. We had a good relationship for a couple of years and then it fizzled out. Support her, Or you'll drive her away.