16 year old daughter dating a 21 year old man

[tenp4ea]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit out of my depth and could use some advice. My 16 year-old daughter has recently started dating a 21 year-old man, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

For context, she’s a mature and sensible girl for her age, but she’s still in sixth form and living at home, whereas he’s working full-time and living independently. They met through mutual friends, and she’s assured me he’s lovely and treats her well. From what I’ve seen, he does seem polite and respectful, but I can’t shake the feeling that the age gap at this stage in her life is a bit… off?

I understand that legally, there’s nothing wrong with it, and she keeps reminding me of that, but I still worry about the power dynamics and the different stages of life they’re at. She’s still figuring herself out, whereas he’s had five more years of adult life experience.

I don’t want to come across as overbearing or push her away by being too critical, but I also want to protect her and make sure she’s not being taken advantage of. Am I overreacting? Should I be setting firmer boundaries?

Would really appreciate any advice or perspectives, especially if anyone’s been in a similar situation.

Thanks in advance!

In some respects but not in others.
The main one being here that she could leave home and live with him if she chose to. The police would not do anything about it at all.
So you need to factor that in.
A 16 year old is not an adult in all respects but they are in some and should definitely not be thought of the same as a young kid. It's dangerous ground to do that as she might lose her forever.

When I was 17 my boyfriend was 22. I was nearer 18 at the time, age gap of 4.5 year. I was also at 6th form and he was working. I met him at work (I was the Saturday girl).

My my mother was also very worried about this. It lasted about 6 months, I was still focused on school and did well in my A levels. Everything was fine and he was nice to me though I do now wonder why a 22 year old wanted to go out with a 17 year old though boys are very immature compared to girls that age. We were also friends for a few years after.

I can't recall a single friend or acquaintance, either male or female, when we 21 & in the final year of university, who would dream of dating a 16 year old.

She should be aiming higher than the sort of man prepared to engage in a relationship with a child.

It is a big difference at those ages and honestly we wouldn't be happy about our DD doing this but it is tricky as like you say, you don't want to push them away from you as a parent. What do her friend's who are her age think?

I can see both sides. It's not a huge difference in reality.

There's 17 yrs between DH and I, and I was 19 when we got together, and we are still together nearly 40 years later.
DD took up with a guy with a similar age gap at work and her boss at 17..I wasn't thrilled but would have been hypocritical to say too much. We did kill with kindness, though, invited him round, but made it clear she was a kid in our interactions, we talked about college, her hobbies( which we subtly encouraged her to take further using up some of her time). Told them to do the washing up after dinner and get her dirty clothes from her room.
He soon backed off, and she saw him as a sleaze. She now cringes at what she saw in him but said our approach was right as she had a route out without losing face.
He found her brother intimidating apparently too. 😂

Yes, same here. In fact at my 6th form College there was a boy who was in year 12 so 16 possibly 17 going out with a 22 year old woman. Everyone in the college thought it was unusual, especially when she would wait outside to meet him after college so they could get the bus home together- she worked in an office and was often wearing skirt suits so she looked even more grown up!

I was that girl and I'm now married to that guy.

We didn't last long the first time round but we got together later when we were both in our twenties.

I'm lucky he was a good guy. I now have a teenage daughter and I would freak...

Complete double standards then, the amount of people saying they did it but would not be happy if their own daughter did it. That’s because it’s gross. She’s practically a child. What would an adult man see in a teenager.

Tbh I don't really consider 21 to be fully grown, .y two step brothers are 21 and working, although living at home, and still are mentally 14/15. I would keep an eye, don't ban the relationship but watch very closely and always be there and a good listening ear for her.

It's tricky as while it feels inappropriate, it is legal, unless he is in a position of trust for her.

I think all you can do as a mother is support her, as trying to end the relationship would just alienate her.

Similar age gap between me and DH, I was 17, he was 20. Still together after 30 years. I can't really say I'm against it, but as a parent I do understand why my dad was so against us back then.

This was fairly normal when I was a teenager. I didn't really hang out with lads my age until I was in uni, but even then, there was a mix of older.
I was yr12 and my first proper bf was 4 years older. I remember telling a girl in school I was going into with a man and she, quite scornfully, telling me that at 20/21 he was a 'lad' not a man.

We lasted 2 years. I probably outgrew him within a year, really. He was older, but had left school at 16. Other than growing up in the same area and having the same taste in music, there wasn't really much there.

I do think at 16 in the 90s, we felt older- because we were going to pubs and clubbing every week. We were allowed into the adult sphere and had to behave more adult, so we wouldn't get kicked out.

But. It will be interesting to see how I feel if dd repeats my history.

This is really interesting for me to read about.
When I was 16, at college doing A levels, I had a boyfriend who was 21.
My mum was completely cool with it. She liked him, and got on well with him. She used to let me stay for weekends at his house (he had his own house which his parents had bought for him). He worked full time and was always inviting me to stay over.
He introduced me to sex and used to buy me loads of lingerie to wear with him. He'd take me out to expensive restaurants and ask me to wear the lingerie then take me back to his house to have sex.
I was physically very well developed at 16. I was 5 ft 8, hourglass figure, large bust, curvy hips, tiny waist. My mum described me as sensible and mature. But she was wrong. Boy was I naive. I was utterly childlike in my mental and emotional development. Sure, I was sensible in terms of I wasn't rebellious or badly behaved. But I was introverted and quiet, and looking back now these personality traits, along with my physical development, were misinterpreted by my mum (and other adults) as me being mature and sensible. But I wasn't mature at all. I was a child.
I think I was coerced in to a sexual relationship with an adult man that I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready for. I didn't think this at the time because I was too childlike to realise or understand it. I can only see it now as an adult.
As a woman in my 40s now, I look back and feel my mum never safeguarded me in this situation. I needed her to stop the relationship. To ban it. Yes I was 16 so legally I could be in a sexual relationship. But mentally and emotionally I was in situations with him where I felt way, way out of my depth, I felt uncomfortable, I didn't know how to say no to him, and I didn't know how to stop things.
Worst of all, I never felt like I could ever tell my mum what was going on or how I felt because she appeared to condone me being his girlfriend, so I thought this meant there must be something wrong with me for feeling uncomfortable about it. I was still young enough to look to my mum for role modelling, as in "Mum thinks it's ok, so it must be OK. Therefore it must be my fault that I don't feel OK with it, there must be something wrong with me that I don't like things that he wants me to do".
Please be careful with your daughter.
In my opinion, no 21 year old man should be in a relationship with a 16 year old girl.
And I have a whole lot of resentment and hurt towards my mum for not seeing me as the child I was and stopping him from seeing me. I feel, even now, that she didn't protect me when I really needed it.

No, it's because your understanding and perspective changes as you age, obviously.

I can honestly say at 21, I was not interested in dating 16 year old 6th formers. I understand girls mature quicker than boys at 16. As much as the average 16 year old might think they're grown up, sophisticated and mature - the reality is they don't have the emotional maturity to manage adult relationships. The relationship is legal, neither are breaking the law. The age gap, does give a power imbalance, but that's something your daughter won't be able to recognise. You need to have a conversation with her regarding contraception and consent. Try not to be negative regarding the relationship, let her see that you are being supportive and be there if she needs you. No, you don't approve but if she thinks all she's going to hear is negativity, then she'll stop telling you anything and you'll push her away. Invite the young man over, be friendly and by doing so, you'll have a better chance of keeping an eye on things! Set boundaries, especially as she's at 6th Form, her studies must come before her boyfriend and that is something he also needs to understand. A friend of mine got herself involved with a boyfriend at college, spent every living moment with him and failed her A Levels - something she regrets!

I’d not be keen, but don’t push too hard - you’ll never know when you’re needed.

I met my first ‘serious’ bf at 16; he was 26 and the much older brother of a friend. My dad used to drink with him in the pub as part of a darts team.

My parents went spare, I moved out at 18 and half way through my first year at uni, moved in with him an hour from campus and got a job. I’d chosen my uni based on dating him. I passed my exams, but only just - I scraped a 2:1 in the end.

He restricted me seeing family and friends- I am not in contact with any of those friends any more. He fully achieved isolating me.

He was abusive in so many ways and it took me until I was nearly 25 to leave him! He tried to sabotage my career in the end.

I walked away with the clothes I stood up in and three cardboard boxes in my car and turned up on my parents doorstep. I’d not seen them more than twice in 5 years - I wasn’t allowed to go out alone and he wasn’t allowed in their house.

I was lucky, I stayed with my parents until I met my now husband. Every single mutual friend turned their back on me - he made up a bunch of lies about me to hide his behaviour.

I started dating my now husband when I was 16 and he was 20. We've been together 30 years. I think if the maturity levels match it's fine.

When I was 16 I dated a 23 year old. At the time I thought he was cool as he had a car and a job and money and smoked.

As a 40 something I fret about why no one questioned this. I was year 11 not sixth form! Why did my parents not say something?! But then it would have pushed me towards him I guess.

It was short lived and I'm grateful. But I'll try and watch out for my DD when she hits that age!

i was 18 when i met my husband who was 23. same gap and didn't really seem any different in terms of mental maturity.

My daughter is 16 and hasn't even done her GCSE's yet.

Over my dead body would she be dating a 21 year old man.

What on earth does a full-time working, home owning (or renting, not relevant), man, have with a 16yo kid still in full time education.

Wrong

16 is different to 18

Theres such a wide range of maturity levels in that age range. Their brains aren’t fully developed till 25ish so the common MN idea that they are suddenly adults at 18 is crackers really.
It does feel like a big gap and I can see why you are conflicted on this. But I think being a good backstop, encouraging her studies, hobbies and friendships is wise - and ensuring contraception od sorted.
When I was 17 my boyfriend was 23. It feels crazy now but I never felt in any way exploited or manipulated or overpowered. In fact, it was probably the healthiest of all my relationships but we grew apart after a couple of years when I grew up and went to uni. It was me that outgrew him.
I don’t know how I’d feel as a mum and if my 21 year old son came home with a 16 year old I’d probably be having a word, but don’t catastrophically. Be there, keep the lines open.

I think as they get older this age gap is nothing. But I'd wonder what a 21 year old man wants with a 16 year old child.

Doesn’t matter how mature a 16 year old is. They are still a teenager. No adult man should be interested in teenagers.

He is of course a massive creep.