To think a disproportionate number of MN posters have failed marriages?

[HamptonPlace]

Not trying to be mean, but that is not my lived experience with my friends, family, (of whom i have plenty...) could count on the fingers of (less than 1 hand). 44 yo btw.... AIBU MNers are representative, AINBU it's not a representative cross cut of society?

That's because divorced parents can't afford private school after paying for housing and lawyers.

This is interesting. I wonder if it's like that at a population level. Could be good reasons (money brings less stress) or bad reasons (staying for money, staying because kids happy at school and need to to afford it)

Few of my friends have got married, so few divorced even possible!

The private school parents we have as friends are accurately aware of the risk to their children's lives the health of their marriage poses. I think people are more likely to make it work or find solutions when it would mean the kids lives turn upside down.

A successful marriage involves knowing how and when to compromise and not wanting things your own way all the time. It’s not all down to luck.

What’s a failed marriage?

Do you mean a disproportionate number are divorcees?

Do you mean “long lasting”? I have known plenty a long marriage that is one person doing what they like while the other endures whatever it takes to keep the marriage together. That never struck me as particularly successful.

I don't really understand what you're saying here. Why would privately schooled children have more risk to their health if divorce than state school?

*life not health

Agreed.

A long marriage doesn't necessarily mean a successful one.

It must be utterly heartbreaking to be trapped in a desperately unhappy or abusive marriage

That’s not what it says. It says ‘risk to their children’s lives that the health of their marriage poses’. Health of the marriage, not the child. I guess by risk to their children’s lives means the fact that they’d be more likely to have to take them out of their current schools/away from their friends if their marriage broke down than if they were at a state school, largely because divorce is expensive and running 2 households plus school fees would be too much for many.

I meant successful (happy) and long lasting.

But it’s wonderful to be in a happy long lasting one. Being married for a long time doesn’t always mean trapped and unhappy.

I'm not disputing that, I have been married a long time and happily so.

But longevity alone is not a marker of success in my book .

My first husband became abusive as soon as my son was born. I see nothing "successful" in remaining in an abusive relationship

I don't know the reason but having had kids in both sectors the fathers in private school are FAR more visible at school by being present at matches, performances, doing the school run etc. Perhaps paying for it means they are more invested?

Why is long lasting a criteria? Can people not have successful marriages which end with mutual respect as they reached the end of their life? My close friend and her husband are divorced, both still very good friends and happily remarried. It maybe rare but for them there marriage had to end as they reached a point if incompatibility that could not be navigated together so they separated.

But thank you for adding “happy” I definitely know so many people for whom “long lasting” is the only criteria!

My parents and my sisters in-laws didn't split until they had been married for over 30 years and were in their fifties. It can coincide with kids leaving home 🤔

I’ve never said there was.

Thanks @PigInAHouse
That makes sense. Very sad though. A gilded cage. Trapped by your own children's happiness. Something else to consider when choosing between private and state at the beginning. Much harder to go from private to state if it came to that.

In the UK, more than 4 marriages in 10 end in divorce. Many others live together in misery

If your family % is less than that, then they are not representative. But you never know what goes on within someone else's marriage.

The late Queen's children - 75% divorced.

I have a large family. 10% divorced, 30% married, 10% remained single through choice (the only way to avoid risking divorce).

People and circumstances vary.

Or more image conscious...

I'm from a "divorce" family... grandparents (both sets), parents. Both of dad's brothers (one married 4 times). One of mum's 2 sisters (twice). My sister, both brothers.

So my Aunt, now widowed me, 25 years and counting, are the only 2 who haven't divorced. So I see it as the norm really.

Or see it as a handy networking opportunity?

I think I've worked out why I initially found this tangent conversation confusing @Pelot . Your thought process seems to be that it's for positive reasons that there's less divorce at private schools, whereas my thought process, and all the others who responded to you, went to negative reasons.

In my husband’s case it’s because he loves seeing what his children are up to and being involved in their lives and education. He was just as involved when they were at state primary.