To think a disproportionate number of MN posters have failed marriages?

[HamptonPlace]

Not trying to be mean, but that is not my lived experience with my friends, family, (of whom i have plenty...) could count on the fingers of (less than 1 hand). 44 yo btw.... AIBU MNers are representative, AINBU it's not a representative cross cut of society?

You literally have no idea how many people on Mumsnet have ever divorced though? Unless there was a poll, nobody can tell from the fact people post about unhappy relationships and break ups.

Same here.
Phrases such as 'failed marriage' and 'broken home' properly p* me off. Not my shame nor my children's.

I believe a lot of second marriages fail due to family pressures .

I'm not sure about that. Quite a few threads quietly mention 'DH' in a positive and non-combative way or refer to long and happy marriages.
Once a relationship with children has broken up, negotiating access, maintenance etc often becomes difficult and painful to an extent, so it's unsurprising that there are loads of posts on those subjects.

You don't pop on here to write about your great marriage do you op? They're self-selecting 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hardly, lots of marriages fail. I think the idea of until death do us part is outdated now. I won't be telling my kids to marry.

I'm not sure why the term failed marriages has caused such outrage. If people get divorced then surely it's because the marriage failed. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It doesn't mean the people have 'failed' or that the people are 'failures' but I can't see what is wrong with saying a marriage has failed, when it has.

I don't think people get married with the plan to get divorced

Who ‘tells’ their kids to marry?

Who ‘tells’ their kids to marry?

It's clear from the amount of women who get in to / remain in miserable marriages with husbands who don't contribute, that they have been socially conditioned, probably by both family and society, to believe that being married is success. Even the whole way the op worded her post is a constant drip.

That’s not telling them to marry though. My parents didn’t tell me to marry, I did it anyway. Or do you mean you’ll actively tell them not to marry?

That would be like assuming everyone on Mumsnet has a horrible employer, or a crazy parking situation that requires diagrams, or a totally toxic MIL.

People dont tend to post much about things that are fine

@PigInAHouse
I tell my children (daughters) to only marry if their spouse will add value to their life. I want them to learn to be happy single first, because it is so valuable to have that knowledge. To be independent. That will give them the freedom to leave if it comes to that. I don't know what other parents do, but it is very clear from mn that there are huge numbers of wives who would rather remain in failed marriages, than be single.

This table shows the year of marriage and what % of the couples married in England and Wales that year were divorced by their 1st, 2nd … anniversary.

For couples who married in 1999, 30% were divorced by their 14th anniversary.
For couples who married in 2001, 25% were divorced by their 11th anniversary.

It’s from here.
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/divorce/datasets/divorcesinenglandandwalesageatmarriagedurationofmarriageandcohortanalyses

Those are stats released in 2015. Data from 2022 says

The cumulative percentages of marriages ending in divorce before their 25th (silver) wedding anniversary has increased over time. For couples who married in 1963 (the first cohort with data available), 23% had divorced before their 25th anniversary. This has steadily risen to 41% for couples who married in 1997 (the latest marriage cohort to potentially reach their 25th anniversary).

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/divorce/bulletins/divorcesinenglandandwales/2022

Yes I understand that. I just found ‘I won’t be telling my children to marry’ odd wording, as I don’t personally know any parents who actively tell their children to marry.

Well you have no idea who is unhappy in their marriages among most of the people you meet. Also there’s a financial aspect. My children go to a very expensive private school. About 3-4 families have divorced parents. That doesn’t make statistical sense so I explain it by thinking that they’d like to divorce but then they’ll have to divide the money, so they might as well stay together and do all the things MN discusses.

Yeah this completely. You're not getting a representative sample here.

Most people I know are on second marriages and I’m 42. Dh and I are in the smaller group of those on first marriages. One of my friendship groups are all still together but we met through church so I think that would be disproportionate perhaps. I wonder if all those you know who are still together are actually happy? I think that’s a whole different thing.

Give it another couple of years Op😉

Well, I've been pretty happily married for over 20 years and have been posting on Mumsnet (with various accounts/usernames) for probably most of that.

But I'm not sure I've really mentioned my marriage very much - maybe a handful of times, in passing? Because there's no real reason why I would. I post about kids, pets, health, books, culture or current affairs mostly - the stuff which might be an issue in my life, or that triggers my interest.

Of course people post more about the things which are an issue for them. That's a big part of what Mumsnet is for.

I wonder if all those you know who are still together are actually happy? I think that’s a whole different thing.

This is a good point. I'm 50 and have just thought now of my top 10 friends.

3 - divorced and very happy
3 - married and very happy
4 - married and deeply unhappy

And the op and society would refer to that top group as failed but interestingly, not the bottom group.

Join a private school. All the married couples are there! We only know 2 divorced couples across 4 kids of year groups.

It depends on your demographics... if you and a large number of your friends are financially secure then statistically speaking your grouping is less likely to divorce. Financial and employment pressures are a contributor towards divorce.

My best friend has 3 children at private school. Her husband is the high earner. He is abusive and unfaithful but she doesn't dare divorce him because it would completely upend the lives of their children.

It's devastating seeing her so trapped

Hard to afford school fees and running 2 households I guess! (I am a very happily married private school parent)