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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

680 replies

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 06:53

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

OP posts:
Littlemisscapable · 22/01/2025 18:18

He's awful..you deserve much better

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 18:19

inquisitiveinga · 22/01/2025 07:19

Hey OP. Huge hug - this must be totally heartbreaking wrenching and I'm so, so sorry. I hope you and baby are as ok as you can be.

Next... WHY ON EARTH DO YOU WANT TO STAY? I would say that's a form of self harm. You will never forget about this, it will come up on arguments time and time again. It will hurt every time. You will feel sick when he leaves the house without you. No. Stop this ridiculous train of thought.

I have been a single mother and yes, it's hard. However, I PROMISE it's a lot easier than the life you are otherwise paving for yourself. My son and I have the best memories of just him and I. I now have a new partner who views him as his own and recently a baby girl. I deserved better. I got better.

Do not allow yourself or your child to settle for this total dick. Be strong.

I am so happy that you found a better life for yourself. Your story is inspiring!

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 22/01/2025 18:27

RatalieTatalie · 22/01/2025 13:11

I haven't read the whole thread but my two pence would be 'what on earth is the question here'.

He had oral sex from another woman. Unforgiveable. But if that isn't enough for you, he only didn't have full sex because she said no. That's not likely to be a lie, because why on earth would that be his chosen defence. Surely he'd say "we didn't do anything else even though it was offered as I knew it was a line I couldn't cross"

So either, he had full sex and is lying, or he didnt but only because it wasn't on offer.

You need to leave him, unless of course that sort of thing is OK with you, in which case c'est la vie!

Tip:

DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events
ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 18:33

FiatMultiplaWhopper · 22/01/2025 07:38

He didn’t put his penis inside her vagina ok fine. But this is what he did do:

chat up another woman at a club
take drugs with this woman
kiss her
go back to her place
participate in oral sex with her twice, once while sober in the morning
sleep in her bed, assume cuddling etc
follow her on social media

how is that long list ok with you OP?

I'm sure he fully availed himself of her breasts, as well. 🤮😠

How can a woman do this to another woman? I know two wrongs don't make a right, but part of me hopes that one day when SHE has a young baby that her partner does this to her.

She has played a large role in potentially breaking up a helpless little baby's family and them having much less time with each parent. I don't know how she can live with herself. I always reflect on this when women have affairs with men who have dependent children. Obviously it's still hugely awful if there are no children or adult children, but when there are dependent children, how can these women hurt them so much by potentially helping to destroy their childhoods? Utter witches.

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 22/01/2025 18:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TCCOS · 22/01/2025 18:38

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 18:33

I'm sure he fully availed himself of her breasts, as well. 🤮😠

How can a woman do this to another woman? I know two wrongs don't make a right, but part of me hopes that one day when SHE has a young baby that her partner does this to her.

She has played a large role in potentially breaking up a helpless little baby's family and them having much less time with each parent. I don't know how she can live with herself. I always reflect on this when women have affairs with men who have dependent children. Obviously it's still hugely awful if there are no children or adult children, but when there are dependent children, how can these women hurt them so much by potentially helping to destroy their childhoods? Utter witches.

Show quote history

I imagine he didn’t chat her up by telling her about his wife and baby.

Cazeesh · 22/01/2025 18:42

To be honest, I think giving a blow job or having sex are just as bad as each other.. and either way he cheated. Kudos to him for admitting the intimacy without much coaxing, but I just don’t think I’d be able to get back something like this.

In any case, I hope you’re doing ok!

OhcantthInkofaname · 22/01/2025 18:42

I'd be thinking of some other things!

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 18:52

Starlight7080 · 22/01/2025 08:00

Why does he think it's not so bad if he says he didn't have full sex . It's mad logic.
But as if she took him home just to give him two blow jobs . I'm sure she found that lots of fun .
But does it matter what they did ? He cheated and seems fine with doing drugs.
Both things are awful . He sounds very weak

Yeah, you have to wonder what she got out of it. Even if they didn't have PIV, surely he gave her oral back? Or maybe manual stimulation. Two BJs from her and nothing from him seems unlikely.

Sad to say, the fact that he stayed overnight makes it more likely that they did have PIV, in my opinion.

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 18:58

Whachamacallit · 22/01/2025 08:11

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

The first step is to book an STI check for yourself. He has shown himself to be untrustworthy, and your health is too important to now take his word that it wasn’t more than oral, or that this was the first time.

Oh, I agree. Some of them can affect fertility. OP should get tested for everything asap.

Hoppinggreen · 22/01/2025 19:00

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 18:52

Yeah, you have to wonder what she got out of it. Even if they didn't have PIV, surely he gave her oral back? Or maybe manual stimulation. Two BJs from her and nothing from him seems unlikely.

Sad to say, the fact that he stayed overnight makes it more likely that they did have PIV, in my opinion.

Show quote history

how is this at all helpful?
OP has told the sleezy fucker to leave, she doesn't need a step by step description of what he might have done from you, its almost as if you are enjoying it.
And if you MUST know its likely that he paid her if you must know

Exasperateddonut · 22/01/2025 19:01

When I’m not thinking I burn toast, or leave washing in the machine. Might walk into a door handle or trap a finger in something.

I don’t give/receive oral from strangers and do Class A’s. That is not ‘not thinking’

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 19:05

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:17

I feel sick.

I asked to read the messages between him and his work mate. He said “remember that girl I was talking to” and the mate replied which one? He then described her as the “tall, tan, Spanish, hot, tits out”. He then told his friend he’d gone back to hers and she’d been a “tease” his mate asked what he meant and he said she gave him head twice but that was it. His mate replied which “oh really” and he said “yeah, best head I’ve ever had ngl”.

I feel so so sick reading those :/

I really don't like that he described a woman as a tease. She has the right to say no, and she gave him oral anyway, so why call her a tease? What he's saying there is how much he wanted PIV. That should tell you that he'd easily have had it if she'd said yes. (Sounds like they didn't, but it's cold comfort.)

Any man who describes a woman in 2024 as a tease is a Neanderthal. I guess society hasn't yet talked enough about enthusiastic consent. 😡 And he negged her for exercising her right to say no.

ItsFreedomBabyYeah · 22/01/2025 19:07

I'm so sorry OP. What a shit bag! How shocking this must be. I hope you have good support around you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, you've not done anything wrong. This all falls on him! Sleazy bastard.

Lollipop81 · 22/01/2025 19:10

Personally it wouldn’t matter to me either way, both are bad. Why is he following her on instagram? Could he be making the whole thing up and telling you all this to hurt you. Cos it sounds very odd. I mean what does it matter if her shirt and knickers were on if he had a blow job, like that makes it ok.

Hollietree · 22/01/2025 19:11

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 19:05

I really don't like that he described a woman as a tease. She has the right to say no, and she gave him oral anyway, so why call her a tease? What he's saying there is how much he wanted PIV. That should tell you that he'd easily have had it if she'd said yes. (Sounds like they didn't, but it's cold comfort.)

Any man who describes a woman in 2024 as a tease is a Neanderthal. I guess society hasn't yet talked enough about enthusiastic consent. 😡 And he negged her for exercising her right to say no.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

My other thought is - does the woman in the sex video look like she knew she was being filmed? Did she consent to him filming her?

Beeloux · 22/01/2025 19:13

Why the hell is he following her on instagram?!? Seems very premeditated. Also, he could have caught an sti even from just oral sex so please do not sleep with him.

I would leave 1000%. He has no respect for you. Even if he had been off his face on the evening, he still let her suck him off again when sober. Most likely he shagged her.

The drug use would be enough alone to leave. Wouldn’t be surprised if he has a line or 10 on most of his nights out. If SS ever found out about the drug use and found out you were aware, I would imagine they would get involved.

Coolasfeck · 22/01/2025 19:14

To new posters: please read all of OPs posts.

Although OPs DH definitely did PIV and other things, to those who don’t believe some women will just give head, that’s not true. When I was younger in North London the girls who ‘needed’ to remain virgins for cultural reasons (normally some of the Greek girls) were disrespectfully called ‘Shiners girls’ cuz they’d only give out BJs.

Nobody counted giving out a BJ as losing your virginity back then. Makes me think this Spanish girl may have been a teen.

Personally I think the OPs DH is a coward who can’t handle a baby so did this to get OP to break up with him coz he’s too pathetic and immature to do it. My friends partner did this, kept upping the ante until she had no choice but to walk away.

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 19:16

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 09:39

I’ve asked him to leave.

Went through his instagram follows, two more girls he follows, but don’t follow him. One he followed in July last year, happens to be Italian, he happened to be working away in Milan for 3 weeks in July - admits he slept with her.
Another followed her in October, happens to be Spanish, he was in Spain for 2 weeks, admits he slept with her.

He had messaged this girl on Sunday around 4 asking if she was busy. She said no they planned drinks and he said “hope I get more tonight than I did last night lol” two hours later she cancelled.

Im furious; the marriage is over, I feel so broken and betrayed.

Oh my god, OP, I am so, so sorry. So sorry.

I suppose the only silver lining is that you haven't wasted any more of your precious years on this primate.

"I hope I get more than last night" - pressuring her for sex, ugh. No wonder she cancelled.

You deserve someone so much better and more evolved, OP. I am so sorry.

But just know this: Yes, it hurts and your world has imploded, but you will be all right. Like other women on here, you will get a better partner and a better life out of this. Your H doesn't respect women and has no empathy or concern for how much he hurts them. You'd be better off being single for a thousand years than being with him.

A much, much better life awaits.

Oh - and don't move out. It's important that you stay in the house while it all gets settled. Judges are more likely to maintain the status quo.

Well, he's lost his wife and baby and he's going to be on the hook for child support and possibly spousal support for a very long time. All because he put his sexual gratification first. What a complete, utter bellend. Do you think perhaps he's just not very bright?

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 19:18

Hoppinggreen · 22/01/2025 19:00

how is this at all helpful?
OP has told the sleezy fucker to leave, she doesn't need a step by step description of what he might have done from you, its almost as if you are enjoying it.
And if you MUST know its likely that he paid her if you must know

Show quote history

FFs I'm not enjoying it, I wrote it before I saw her last two updates! Jog on!

Beeloux · 22/01/2025 19:19

Just read your updates op. What a PIG and glad to hear you’ve ended things.
Im so sorry this has happened to you. 😔Yourself and your lovely baby deserve much better. He will probably grow up to be a lonely, old, riddled sleaze.

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 19:22

TCCOS · 22/01/2025 18:38

I imagine he didn’t chat her up by telling her about his wife and baby.

Show quote history

No, but any decent woman would ask if he's married and has kids before doing stuff with a stranger! I suppose he might have lied tho.

Freddie15VES · 22/01/2025 19:26

coming from a relationship where trust was lost like this, it’s hard to rebuild and you’ll always be wondering what happened. i wondered for months until it really broke me. myself an the kids dad have split now over unfaithfulness

HowAmYa · 22/01/2025 19:35

OP I didn't want to read and run. Reading the updates is incredibly heartbreaking. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Don't try and find out the 'why' in any of these incidents. Because the only answer, unfortunately, is that he just didn't love and respect you enough. Amongst all the other heinous attributes that he hid so well for so long. You have given your everything to this man. You were even willing to stay over the 'only' incident that happened in Spain a few days ago. Look at the love and devotion you have.
And now look at his. There is no devotion. No love. No loyalty. And no respect.
Give yourself and your child this devotion. Take him for every damn penny you can. And don't ever let him hurt you again.

I can't offer much help. But, I truly believe that you will come through this and one day hold your head high and be glad that you didn't allow this clear monster to claim any more of your precious life with your new baby. You have so much life in you and around you. And any time it ever gets a little rough, look into your baby's eyes and see sheer love looking right back at you.

hello261 · 22/01/2025 19:49

I'm so sorry this is just awful. Does he work in i gaming by any chance?