To not know what to do about DS anxiety and school refusal

[HippyKayYay]

DS has always been a bit anxious but it’s ramped up massively in the last month. He refused to go to school at the end of last term (‘tummy ache’) and was a bit of a mess over Xmas (lots of feeling sick, not eating, not wanting to do stuff he usually enjoys). This term the school refusing has ramped up. He’s been sobbing/ shouting to not go in each morning. Once he’s there he’s ok but the process of getting him there is horrible. The school are helping and offering what support they can.

I’ve been reading some CBT-type books on anxiety for kids with DS. He says that makes his anxiety worse and he won’t engage with any of the strategies in the book that would help.

The anxiety is separation-based (he thinks we’re going to die if he’s not with us).

We’ve thought about moving schools (his is fine, but a bit meh and he says he’s bored) but he won’t entertain the idea of moving schools or being home schooled. But he says he doesn’t want to go to school.

We’ve tried to get him to counselling (a year or so ago) but he refused to go.

I’m at my wits end. How do I help him if he won’t engage with any of the things that will help?

I was also wondering OCD, have a look at Pure O or OCD obsessive thoughts and see if any of that chimes - what you said about his appearance struck a chord with me on this. A friend did manage to get help for her daughter on the NHS for this, a form of play therapy, which really helped. She also felt like she had a breakthrough when she took her daughter out solo for the day (i think it was near the start of a half term) had a lovely day together then near the end of the day managed to gently (organically) start a conversation about what her daughter was worrying about, while she was relaxed from a lovely day of bonding with her mum. She got a few more details of the worries out of her etc and told her daughter that she worries sometimes too etc and had a good chat about school to make sure there wasn't anything underlying, and things did seem to improve (not overnight) from then on - apologies if you've already tried this method 1000 times already.
How is he with transitions generally, as i know it's a sign of ND but I know a lot of people with anxiety who struggle with transitions, even ones they do every day - maybe it's worth looking at tactics around that too.

That’s a good shout. Or ask the school if he is allowed to text you when he is feeling anxious just to get a response from you and make sure everything is okay?

On a secondary note related to the above would life360 work? He could then ‘track’ you and your husband to see you have reached places safely and are where you are supposed to be? I know its a lot but would maybe help a little?

Im not sure what a GP could do except medicate so unless you want to go down that road coping strategies may be the way forward?

So before we want to automatically jump down this thread or pre diagnose a kid we don’t know - you both have a point.

And just to start I do know a lot about neurodiversity ….

Every kid feeling anxious isn’t neurodiverse. There are way too many times if a kid isn’t acting perfectly normal (whatever that is) that they must be ND. But that isn’t true or as the original poster said half the population would be ND. I also think it negates truly ND kids and their real struggles be some kids who just find things difficult or may be going through a hard time.

It’s sorta like no you don’t have a migraine, you have a headache. They both suck and hurt but one is a clinically diagnosed debilitating condition and the other is a painful occasional occurrence.

But, it is always worth getting it checked if it runs in the family and the child is exhibiting ND traits.

It’s also ‘normal’ for kids to have fears and not be ND. It’s also ‘normal’ for kids to appear ‘fine’ as they are masking until they aren’t .

@Whydoeseveryonewanttoargue absolutely nobody said the child was definitely ND just that it is quite common for school avoiders to be ND and not to rule out the possibility especially given the situation with the child's older sibling.

Not one person came on said yeah he is definitely ND.

No you are right - a number strongly suggested it. The response which was on the thread was more to the person who said that all of the suggestions that the kid was ND were wrong.

Having a very explosive older sibling can be extremely traumatic. It certainly was for me.

Would be interesting to know the actual percentage of children who struggle to attend school who are ND.

Either way I hope having a low pressure day helps OP, I do find it helps take away some of that anxiety/stress.

My daughter used to be able to give me a quick msg but school stopped this and they didn't want her to get in to the habit... it's a tricky one to handle tbh.

Have you tried transitional objects? This is where your son would have something of yours to hold on to during the day that he gives you back after the school day. You can also spray your perfume on things.

This was a huge help for my daughter when she was little and anxious about leaving us.

Hi OP, obviously you need short term help but may I suggest that as your eldest is ND and struggles that you need to make a parental request for EHCP for the youngest asap - that way you'd potentially have more school options at 11, which it sounds like you're going to need. As you will be well aware, primary to secondary transition is a real flash point with kids like yours.

EHCP support thread no. 4 - www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5197351-ehcp-support-thread-no-4

We used a book called What to do when you worry too much (from Amazon) but it was well beyond that and play therapy was the most useful thing at that age. We found a play therapist using the Owl Centre online.

Realistically you may not both be able to carry on working so do what you can to plan for that.

@BB2B25 well ASD is the largest need group receiving EHCPs so I'd estimate around half of emotionally based school avoidance stems from neurodiversity.

There are a number of reports if you Google.

It's not exactly a new problem but has only received media coverage more recently.

I don’t know if this will helpmOP, but I found that Making home really boring - no WiFi and no devices means it’s better to go to school. If home is a better option than school quite often kids want to do that.
also, anxiety can be felt at the thought of leaving a computer game or not getting back to have enough time to play on them can be a factor.
our kids are so enmeshed in gaming these days.

You poor thing.

I don't really have any advice as my DD also struggles so I know how draining it is, you have my sympathy.

Has anything hapenned at school? I only ask as my 5 year old recently started refusing to go to school, turns out a little sh1t was telling her that her mum (me) was going to die, that if she told anyone then little sh1t's Dad would come kill me etc. She was waking up in the night screaming for me just to make sure I wasn't dead.
What helped for us was

• school moved that child to another class
• I recorded video messages which the teacher could play to my daughter if she got upset, as when she saw me it reassured her that I was ok
• she had a 'worry monster' which she fed her worries into if her preferred adult wasn't available
• She had a small cuddly sprayed with her perfume so it smelled like me

Appreciate this is very different as your son is 9, but just thought worth sharing.

Agree with other suggestions, that going needs to be his choice. Sometimes my 9 year old refuses to get dressed and go to school - she likes school, just can't seem to get going in the morning. My response is 'that's fine, I will message your teacher to say you aren't coming in', which 9 times out of 10 ends up with her running up the stairs to get dressed. I don't force her, I just let her know what will happen if she doesn't.

Psychiatrist asap even if you have to sell the dog.

OCD is fixable the earlier you tackle it. DS won’t want to do the exercises cos they’ll challenge the crazy - that’s why they work.

Yeah my sister had EBSNA going back 25/30 years ago! It was horrible watching the EWO come and try and drag her out the bathroom she'd locked herself in.

We have personal experience in our family. If the fears are irrational they won’t be helped by talking about them. I would try a totally different approach.

What is his diet like? Does he eat fruit, veg, dairy, eggs, meat, fish? How much sugar and UPF does he get. Does he do any sports or physical activities on a regular basis? How many hours a day does he spend outside? If not a lot, could you increase to 3 hours free play outside per day? (1000 hours outside challenge on FB has good encouragement and suggestions for this.)

Might EFT/tapping for kids help? Videos on YouTube, he doesn't have to talk aloud if he doesn't want to

He doesn’t have a phone (he’s 9!). But I could ask if he could text us from the teacher’s phone I guess

Just wanted to reassure you that I was a school refuser as a child and all ok now, I’m not ND. I just had separation anxiety for a few years and was anxious, which disappeared as I matured and got older. I think you’re doing the right thing on trying to get him into school, especially seeing as you know he’s ok once there

Yup I’m well aware as DS gets extremely upset at older sibling’s shouting. I’ll admit that I’m not always able to keep my cool in the face of their outbursts (which are often personal attacks) and that of course makes it a million times worse (for everyone). I’m working on that and doing the best I can, but it’s fucking hard. Especially when I’m just so depleted so have such limited capacity (same for DH although he’s usually less reactive than me). This makes me feel terrible though and I wish I could be better at it all and some sort of zen type who doesn’t react when the older sibling’s shouting the house down at 11pm and waking DS up.

Ah okay sorry. Would you consider giving him a phone just for school to help to allay his fears? And please don’t ask for the teacher to use their phone.

Aw @B2B25 that's awful!

How is she as an adult? What does she say about it now?

No. He wouldn't be allowed it in school anyway.

She said she couldn't articulate what the problem was back then but now ok reflection it was because she was scared of being sick in front of people which ironically is the reason for my daughters EBSA too. Currently waiting ASD assessment.

Ironically she now works in a school as an LSA!

Thanks for all the replies. I'm struggling a bit to keep up with all the suggestions! What I'm taking away from that is what I already knew (no quick fix or easy answer) and also that we need to get to the bottom of what's going on before we can figure out how to help him.

Thank you again to everyone who's taken the time to reply and share their experiences. It's been really helpful to get things off my chest and heartening to hear other's stories.