To not know what to do about DS anxiety and school refusal

[HippyKayYay]

DS has always been a bit anxious but it’s ramped up massively in the last month. He refused to go to school at the end of last term (‘tummy ache’) and was a bit of a mess over Xmas (lots of feeling sick, not eating, not wanting to do stuff he usually enjoys). This term the school refusing has ramped up. He’s been sobbing/ shouting to not go in each morning. Once he’s there he’s ok but the process of getting him there is horrible. The school are helping and offering what support they can.

I’ve been reading some CBT-type books on anxiety for kids with DS. He says that makes his anxiety worse and he won’t engage with any of the strategies in the book that would help.

The anxiety is separation-based (he thinks we’re going to die if he’s not with us).

We’ve thought about moving schools (his is fine, but a bit meh and he says he’s bored) but he won’t entertain the idea of moving schools or being home schooled. But he says he doesn’t want to go to school.

We’ve tried to get him to counselling (a year or so ago) but he refused to go.

I’m at my wits end. How do I help him if he won’t engage with any of the things that will help?

I'd be wary about forcing therapy. It is not likely to work unless the person actually wants to do it. (So I was told anyway)

I wish I had the answer for you! There's lots of people struggling with this right now unfortunately

Also just to say, often we expect OCD to be the well known traits, hand washing, checking. But for my son, one thing with his OCD was counting in his head in an even pattern, which no-one realised for a long time 🥹

Contact your school nursing service in your area , they will be able to link you into what mental health support is available in your area

Yeah I am now wondering more about OCD. He’s had periods of being really obsessive about certain aspects of his appearance. I’d forgotten about it as it was a while ago, but the mention of OCD reminded me. He doesn’t do anything else obviously OCD like and he doesn’t seek reassurance about his worries. In fact it’s taken me weeks and weeks to find out what he’s actually worried about. For the longest time he just said ‘I don’t want to go to school’ but couldn’t explain why. Only in the past week or so had it emerged that it’s because he doesn’t want to be away from us because he’s worried something bad will happen to us.

My DS's school refusal started when he was 9. The good news is it's rarely happenong now, at nearly 12.

Trying to force him just made it worse. Punishments and threats just escalated things, as did us getting stressed about it. Even trying to gently persuade him, he'd just dig his heels in. And you can't physically bundle a 5', 6 stone child into the car.

What worked for us was taking the pressure off, and having school staff on board too. So we'd start by breezily ignoring it:
"I'm not going to school today!"
"Sorry you feel like that, what would you like for breakfast"
Sometimes that was enough for him to snap out of it. If not, then we'd say ok, have half hour to yourself (to read, draw, watch a cartoon, whatever - but no gaming or YouTube shite) and then see how you feel. If it was still a no, then we'd say see how you feel at lunchtime.

If he was claiming to be ill we wouldn't argue with it or call him a liar but we'd give him a get out: "you might just need a poo", "you'll probably feel a bit better after a shower", "a strepsil will help".

This approach got him in to school - albeit late - 9 times out of 10. And by the time he went in he was usually calm/relatively happy as he felt that it was his own decision.

The school was fully supportive. He saw the counsellor every week and was able to chat to one of his trusted staff members any time - they would also phone him when he didn't make it into school for a reassuring chat.

I don't know if any of this will help given the added complexity of his fear of you dying, but hopefully there's something there you can use.

Thanks. DH and I had a chat earlier and had agreed to this sort of approach for tomorrow. We just need to take the pressure of him and us and see what happens for the next few days. It can’t be worse (hopefully!) than what we’ve been doing

If he's like this in primary ( you say older ND sibling is 11) then I'd seriously assume he's the same. Seen it time & time again.

My daughter didn’t present with massive glaring signs either but, with the benefit of hindsight, I could see she had a TON of less obvious traits.

She’d always been difficult, demanding, would refuse to leave the house at weekends (bad at transitions), a terrible eater, huge separation anxiety at preschool, precocious speech, tantrums (meltdowns), terrified of hand dryers, would talk to anyone about anything (lack of social awareness), very late to toilet train… and so on.

DS was a school refuser aged 5-8. Kid actually jumped out of a moving car to avoid going one morning 🤦🏻‍♀️

I just persevered in what can only be described as a pure battle of wills for 3 very long years. I dragged him, carried him, cajoled him into school every morning. He was ok once he was there!!

Eventually I won, he's 10 now and goes without issue and actually enjoys school.

It was all triggered by a genuinely traumatic experience that left me and him homeless and just the two of us. Thing is I had to get him to school because the play therapy and camhs services were during school time in school!

Suppose my lived experience is, buckle in, and battle through. There is light at the end of the tunnel. But I completely understand how exhausting it is every morning!

If one child in a family is ND it's highly likely had others are. Every parent of ND children will tell you stories of school refusal at some point. I have a very bright high performing but ND child. High school. Can go weeks with no issues then something results in flat refusal. Might be a 1/2 day. Might be a full day. At younger ages they'll say they sick. Older ages they just refuse to go

OCD largely affects people from affluent families, so it's likely money isn't a limiting factor for this.

What happens if he stays home?
Does he get your attention, does he get screens?

Look up the benefits of Omega 3 fatty acids for kids with ADHD and anxiety, it apparently does work after a while if you take it, get the best you can afford

I’m an adult with anxiety ( have always had it) and take it and I also take 2-3 desert spoons of olive oil in my smoothie every day and also find that this helps

I have tried medication before and didn’t find it any good

Hope they help but at least they can’t do any harm as they are good for so many things anyway

It sounds as though he is happy once he gets there. Take comfort and strength from that, when you are trying to drag him in in the morning! Think about how he would miss out on all the positive experiences. You have to be cruel or a t least firm, to be kind

Good luck for tomorrow - let us know how it goes.

You did read that the sibling is neurodivergent, right? You do know that neurdivergence is highly heritable, right? You do know that anxiety and school refusal is highly indicative of neurodivergence, right? You do know that neurodivergence IS normal for a significant percentage of the population?

Do you know anything at all about neurodivergence? No, thought not.

Did that stop you sharing your opinion? No, why should it? Everyone's entitled to an opinion.

Is everyone's opinion valid, or worth sharing? No

Will that stop some people? No

We're all special in our own way, so don't worry about that, ohthisismynewname

Me too! It's how mine was at the age of 9/10.

Read Leibowitz overcoming childhood anxiety and OCD. It will help you to help him not let this take hold.

I pulled both of my kids out of school when they were like this. Sent them to a new school.

Siblings of kids with autism are 50% more likely to have it.

When the school say he's fine when he's there...how would they really know... would he feel safe telling them he's not fine.

Then hopefully society will begin to change to be more suitable.

I know a lot more about neurodivergence than you think, as I have a lived, neverending experience of it. I won't go into details here though.

What I was trying to say (maybe too flippantly) was that everybody and his dog keeps junping in on every thread about their child having any sort of difficulty in life, or difference, with the refrain, they must be neurodivergent.

Soon, the term will be meaningless, which gives a great disservice to those whose lives are very seriously affected by it so they have no friends, no partner, can't live by themselves, vulnerable to exploitation. To those of us who worry every day about who will look after our adult child when we pass.

a lot of that describes his older sibling. DS not so much. But there are some things that would tally with ND. But they could equally be something else… I’m not closed off to the idea (in fact I think he may very well be), but right now I need to deal with the crippling anxiety and get him into a healthier headspace

Yes with his class teacher who he loves and feels very safe with (and is being amazing about all this). But often the class is covered by a TA, and in that scenario no, he doesn’t feel so able to say that he’s upset or worried (or he says something and the TA doesn’t do anything, according to DS)

Thanks for this. We don’t know if his older sibling has autism yet. We’re still doing the assessments for both ADHD (which I’m confident they have) and ASD (which I wouldn’t be surprised if they have, but I’m less certain about).

No screens (unless it’s educational stuff - eg the maths app they use at school). Not much attention. DH and I get on with our work and DS does his own thing (reading mostly or some maths). TBH it hasn’t been that many days that he’s missed so far (about 5 spread over weeks) so we don’t have a routine or anything. We just take each day as it comes if he’s home.

We had success using this journal in a similar situation -
https://happyselfjournal.com/products/happyself-junior

Good luck OP, I know how draining it is.