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Original poster

To not know what to do about DS anxiety and school refusal

109 replies

HippyKayYay · 21/01/2025 21:56

DS has always been a bit anxious but it’s ramped up massively in the last month. He refused to go to school at the end of last term (‘tummy ache’) and was a bit of a mess over Xmas (lots of feeling sick, not eating, not wanting to do stuff he usually enjoys). This term the school refusing has ramped up. He’s been sobbing/ shouting to not go in each morning. Once he’s there he’s ok but the process of getting him there is horrible. The school are helping and offering what support they can.

I’ve been reading some CBT-type books on anxiety for kids with DS. He says that makes his anxiety worse and he won’t engage with any of the strategies in the book that would help.

The anxiety is separation-based (he thinks we’re going to die if he’s not with us).

We’ve thought about moving schools (his is fine, but a bit meh and he says he’s bored) but he won’t entertain the idea of moving schools or being home schooled. But he says he doesn’t want to go to school.

We’ve tried to get him to counselling (a year or so ago) but he refused to go.

I’m at my wits end. How do I help him if he won’t engage with any of the things that will help?

OP posts:
Oreyt · 21/01/2025 22:47

His old is he?

Oreyt · 21/01/2025 22:47

How

Original poster
HippyKayYay · 21/01/2025 22:48

Oreyt · 21/01/2025 22:47

His old is he?

9

OP posts:
Original poster
HippyKayYay · 21/01/2025 22:50

No signs of OCD (as I understand it).
No sudden onset (he’s always had separation anxiety and had awful tantrums as a toddler)

OP posts:
SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 21/01/2025 22:51

In meantime, while waiting for assessment, I would not push him to go to school and not keep trying different things. I have seen the constant, try this, try that and then it doesn’t work or makes it worse and then the child after assessment when presented with tactics that can work will then outright refuse to try them because they have tried and failed repeatedly so much already that they have zero confidence in themselves or in their parents, or the school or anyone that they can overcome the barriers to education.

Take the pressure off. The school should be able to send his work home to him to do while he is waiting for assessment and recommended steps from the child psychologist.

B2B25 · 21/01/2025 22:52

Ohisthismynewname · 21/01/2025 22:18

🥱 Here we go again. Whenever anybody is anxious and doesn't want to do something, they are deemed to be neurodiverse.

At this rate when more than half the population get a neurodiverse diagnosis, will they then be classed as 'normal'? What will happen then?

Some things can just be classed as a phase they are going through, you know!

Educate yourself.

Original poster
HippyKayYay · 21/01/2025 22:53

Jellycats4life · 21/01/2025 22:45

First thing I thought of was neurodivergence In some kids it manifests as extreme anxiety as they’re struggling to cope with so many things at school - sensory overwhelm, friendships, following rules, deviations from routine, etc - but masking so well, no one can see their inner turmoil.

When you mentioned your older child I thought bingo. I have two autistic kids who are very different, so I do understand how it is.

Yes I suppose this could be true. I have considered it given older sibling, but if it’s the case with DS there are no other particularly obvious signs

OP posts:
Original poster
HippyKayYay · 21/01/2025 22:55

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 21/01/2025 22:51

In meantime, while waiting for assessment, I would not push him to go to school and not keep trying different things. I have seen the constant, try this, try that and then it doesn’t work or makes it worse and then the child after assessment when presented with tactics that can work will then outright refuse to try them because they have tried and failed repeatedly so much already that they have zero confidence in themselves or in their parents, or the school or anyone that they can overcome the barriers to education.

Take the pressure off. The school should be able to send his work home to him to do while he is waiting for assessment and recommended steps from the child psychologist.

yes this might be what we have to do as getting him in everyday is just so distressing. But it’s hard with work and juggling other responsibilities

OP posts:
B2B25 · 21/01/2025 22:56

Sometimes there isn't. A lot of children are good at masking. Some don't struggle until later on in their education. My DD was OK in primary but it fell apart in secondary.

And despite what some poster said about everyone being ND (they aren't) it is a well known fact that a lot of children who can't attend are in fact ND. I don't think that's a while assumption to make given his sibling is currently going through the assessment process.

We currently have a home tutor from the LA as my DD was never going to go back in. It's not really home schooling as such.

Arran2024 · 21/01/2025 22:59

Hi. I think you would benefit from joining groups for school refusers. If you post about your situation, you will get useful advice. This will be different from reading other people's posts.

I do think you need to get all your ducks in a row as it were - if you get to a point where he will not go in, you need to show that you have been seeking help.

So I would see GP. If nothing else, it will be on his medical notes and you may need a paper trail at some point.

Then the senco - if he is not showing distress at school, he will be a low priority for the sen team, but again you will have a paper trail.

My nephew went through a phase like this. His parents had recently separated and he became obsessed that one of them would die if he didn't do certain things. He also thought he was bad and prayed all the time so he had no time to go to school. He had cbt at CAMHS and it was very successful.

Good luck

BeethovenNinth · 21/01/2025 23:00

We have had this with one of ours. Secondary level. I don’t think the modern education system works for certain kids (and not all of these kids are ND). I think the pressure and chaos makes certain kids feel unsafe and overwhelmed. The system doesn’t fit these kids and I have realised that no amount of therapy will actually change that as you can’t change the child’s innate personality

are there any other options locally? Smaller schools? Home schooling whilst a granny could care?

BeethovenNinth · 21/01/2025 23:01

Ps my child really regrets giving up school now and wishes I had forced her in. I find this a little odd as I did everything I reasonably could, short of the proverbial gun to head.

LottieMary · 21/01/2025 23:02

Do read about ocd - a lot of media focus is on the rituals but often the intrusive thoughts are far more debilitating and the rituals are adopted to try to control that iyswim

GardensBooksTea · 21/01/2025 23:03

So sorry you're going through this with your son, it's so hard. My son's the same age, and had a phase of intense anxiety / panic attacks about 2 years ago. For him, it was very clearly a legacy of the pandemic hitting when he was at such a young age, so a lot of health anxiety. Some CBT (online) did help - some of it he hated and finds unhelpful (breathing exercises are a big no-no), but some other grounding type things helped. We still have moments when he gets stuck back in those thought patterns, but we can usually help him find a way out now.

I think you can self refer (like IAPT but for children) to access local services without the GP, but that's probably not super quick.

lavenderlou · 21/01/2025 23:05

I have a DD who finds it very hard to attend school. She is autistic - it was the difficulty around attending school that pushed me for an assessment as when I was looking into EBSA it came up time and time again that those children who become very anxious about attending school are often ND. Separation anxiety and extreme tantrums as younger child are also indicators - my second DC is also autistic and has suffered badly with separation anxiety. Given he has an autistic sibling, I certainly wouldn't be ruling anything out.

Whether or not you choose to consider an assessment, you will need to get a plan in place with the school (rightly or wrongly, they do tend to listen more if you have a diagnosis). It's very poor that the SENCO won't see you for such a long time. You can look up your Local Authority guidance for EBSA and see if the school has put any of the recommended steps in place. My DC has managed to attend more regularly with a reduced timetable but it does mean she still misses a lot. There often is no easy fix, unfortunately.

BeCyanSloth · 21/01/2025 23:15

My 18 year old was diagnosed with ADHD ASD and PDA this year after being diagnosed with severe anxiety when he was 12
He was a school refuser it started off with stomach ache then pains anywhere that moved on to he could only wear certain shoes clothes etc
He was sent to Camhs to said he had severe anxiety
at the age of 12/13 he was no longer a child who used excuses to get out of school he turned on me he would physically hurt me just by trying to walk him to school I was pushed slapped tripped up and when I was able to hold on to him a begging and pleading that I not take him to school I could see the fear in his face but for us he couldn’t tell you what he was afraid of
I was told my son was just playing up and being naughty
I have since found out my son masks so well that unless you know what your looking for or if he has a meltdown you would not know.
i feel for you as having a school refuser is not just a naughty child who doesn’t want to go to school
The fear is real and it’s hard to deal with.
I would honestly get him assessed as there could be more going on there and if he doesn’t at least that is an avenue that you have looked into.
For my son removing him from school was for the best but we didn’t get the greatest help and when it finally did come it was too late for us to get him back into school as he would have left by then anyway

HollyBerryz · 21/01/2025 23:20

Ohisthismynewname · 21/01/2025 22:18

🥱 Here we go again. Whenever anybody is anxious and doesn't want to do something, they are deemed to be neurodiverse.

At this rate when more than half the population get a neurodiverse diagnosis, will they then be classed as 'normal'? What will happen then?

Some things can just be classed as a phase they are going through, you know!

Well yes because neurodivergent children are at higher risk of ebsa and ebsa is often the first sign of unmet or unidentified send needs.

starlight26 · 21/01/2025 23:21

I'm in a very similar situation with mine.

As they get older they seem to show more anxiety traits, something new since returning this January is OCD traits.

School NEVER see anything other than an over compliant child who gets emotional and upset easily.
Really good grades, has friends and a pleasure to teach.

I'd never get a diagnosis but I expect some ADHD.

LostMySocks · 21/01/2025 23:22

My 9 year old DS1 went through a period like this in the summer. I had some on line sessions with a local charity that supports children's mental health but their bread and butter is school refusal.
I was sceptical but their process worked. He still gets anxious but we know how to recognise it and support him which means it hopefully won't disrupt his life going forward.
Key take away is not to reassure. Instead listen, acknowledge the fear and then normalise it. Eg I know you don't want to go to school but all kids go to school and mummy needs to go to work. I'll pick you up after school....
We also had to do a fear ladder. With steps and prizes for each stage. Aim is to get a routine which reduces anxiety. Praise bravery and remind them when they can do something.

Gagaandgag · 21/01/2025 23:22

Ohisthismynewname · 21/01/2025 22:18

🥱 Here we go again. Whenever anybody is anxious and doesn't want to do something, they are deemed to be neurodiverse.

At this rate when more than half the population get a neurodiverse diagnosis, will they then be classed as 'normal'? What will happen then?

Some things can just be classed as a phase they are going through, you know!

But the thing is, this child might be. There are other family members with a diagnosis for a start. Don’t be rude and dismissive. Take your yawning emoji elsewhere!

Original poster
HippyKayYay · 21/01/2025 23:23

BeethovenNinth · 21/01/2025 23:00

We have had this with one of ours. Secondary level. I don’t think the modern education system works for certain kids (and not all of these kids are ND). I think the pressure and chaos makes certain kids feel unsafe and overwhelmed. The system doesn’t fit these kids and I have realised that no amount of therapy will actually change that as you can’t change the child’s innate personality

are there any other options locally? Smaller schools? Home schooling whilst a granny could care?

He says he doesn’t want to move schools and gets distressed if we suggest it. He says he doesn’t want to be home schooled. But he also doesn’t want to go to school.

Not sure what you mean by a granny doing care? But no grandparents who can help on any kind of daily basis as they have their own lives.

OP posts:
MummytoA · 21/01/2025 23:25

HippyKayYay · 21/01/2025 22:16

He may be ND but doesn’t display any other particular traits other than anxiety. Yes I know it’s not ‘normal’
GP as much use as a chocolate teapot. I haven’t even bothered contacting them as they were utterly useless with older DC and I wasted over a year chasing a right to choose referral before giving up and going private for their assessments.

I guess I can try and force him to therapy but I don’t know if he’d be able to engage with it. He hates talking about his feelings although is getting better able to identify what his worries are.

Thoroughly recommend play therapy! Put my anxious son at ease massively, his therapist would play Dobble, Uno etc with him as they chatted. He's now got some good strategies in place.

Original poster
HippyKayYay · 21/01/2025 23:26

LostMySocks · 21/01/2025 23:22

My 9 year old DS1 went through a period like this in the summer. I had some on line sessions with a local charity that supports children's mental health but their bread and butter is school refusal.
I was sceptical but their process worked. He still gets anxious but we know how to recognise it and support him which means it hopefully won't disrupt his life going forward.
Key take away is not to reassure. Instead listen, acknowledge the fear and then normalise it. Eg I know you don't want to go to school but all kids go to school and mummy needs to go to work. I'll pick you up after school....
We also had to do a fear ladder. With steps and prizes for each stage. Aim is to get a routine which reduces anxiety. Praise bravery and remind them when they can do something.

Yes I do try not to reassure. But it’s hard not to when his fear is that something bad will happen to us while he’s at school. I do tell him he has to go, etc. But logic has no purchase on his brain when he’s sobbing every morning. You just can’t get through to him

OP posts:
Cakeandcoffee93 · 21/01/2025 23:28

sounds like your son has OCD, I had the same when I was growing up except it was so bad I’d be hysterical every Thursday at a specific time. Thankfully I grew out of it. It’s horrible to live through. I’d have some sympathy and talk about what goes through his mind, reassure and see if the school will let him contact you on his lunch to make sure you’re all ok. That’ll settle him

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