To not know what to do about DS anxiety and school refusal

[HippyKayYay]

DS has always been a bit anxious but it’s ramped up massively in the last month. He refused to go to school at the end of last term (‘tummy ache’) and was a bit of a mess over Xmas (lots of feeling sick, not eating, not wanting to do stuff he usually enjoys). This term the school refusing has ramped up. He’s been sobbing/ shouting to not go in each morning. Once he’s there he’s ok but the process of getting him there is horrible. The school are helping and offering what support they can.

I’ve been reading some CBT-type books on anxiety for kids with DS. He says that makes his anxiety worse and he won’t engage with any of the strategies in the book that would help.

The anxiety is separation-based (he thinks we’re going to die if he’s not with us).

We’ve thought about moving schools (his is fine, but a bit meh and he says he’s bored) but he won’t entertain the idea of moving schools or being home schooled. But he says he doesn’t want to go to school.

We’ve tried to get him to counselling (a year or so ago) but he refused to go.

I’m at my wits end. How do I help him if he won’t engage with any of the things that will help?

PM you

Some DC find therapeutic intervention that taps into their interests and relies less on verbal communication easier to engage with. For example, if DS likes animals, animal assisted therapy.

I second requesting an EHCNA. You can do this yourself using one of the model letters IPSEA has on their website.

Alongside this, if DS is unable to attend school, you can request alternative provision. IPSEA also has a model letter for this you can use. The provision should be provided as soon as it becomes clear 15 days will be missed and should begin by the sixth day at the latest. The days don’t have to have already been missed or consecutive.

Some people find their local young carers service helpful. Some also find speaking to Sibs useful.

My son is in primary and has a phone for this reason. He brings it in, turns it off and has to out it in a box for the day. It is possible. He isn’t the only one especially as when they get to year 6 at least half the kids bring in a phone.

At my daughters school, they are allowed to bring one in from year 5 ( at 9 I'm not sure if your son is year 4 or 5) but it has to be handed into the school office, and child can go to the office if need to access their phone.

It can help to explain to people (not just kids) that there are other people who feel this way.

Whether this would help your kid will depend on what he's like. But you could try saying:

A lot of smart, capable, good people have irrational fears, or scary thoughts. Doesn't make them bad, or weak, or wrong. It's just a hurdle that millions of people worldwide have to get through.

Other people might not have that hurdle, but they'll face others (everyone has a cross to bear). Some people find maths hard, or are bad at sport, or have allergies.

It's not easy to deal with them, but there is stuff that can help. I like this London Zoo programme as a nice concrete example: https://www.londonzoo.org/plan-your-visit/zoo-experiences/friendly-spider-programme.

I agree with this - I think one of the things about CBT that helped my son was the realisation that lots of people have these feelings and fears. He'd felt very ashamed, and I saw that just dissolve and he realised he wasn't alone in having worries he couldn't control.

@HippyKayYay i have sent you a private message. It’s horrible , heart breaking and exhausting - we have been through it

And what should/could have been done to make things better? My youngest is not attending school and suffered a lot of trauma due to his explosive elder brother. I am at a loss what to do.

I had tried doing different anxiety books with my 9yo DS and they also made things worse for him. I ended up paying for a child psychologist in the end who said at primary age it needs to be parent led. We basically followed the strategies in this book: Breaking Free from child anxiety and OCD (I listened to it on audible but you can buy the book on Amazon, it’s just for the adult to read and implement) Also, we had to create a daily worry time slot to discuss things he had written down rather than it consuming all day and he had a reward scheme. The more we comforted and reassured him, the worse the anxiety got. Good luck