To not know what to do about DS anxiety and school refusal

[HippyKayYay]

DS has always been a bit anxious but it’s ramped up massively in the last month. He refused to go to school at the end of last term (‘tummy ache’) and was a bit of a mess over Xmas (lots of feeling sick, not eating, not wanting to do stuff he usually enjoys). This term the school refusing has ramped up. He’s been sobbing/ shouting to not go in each morning. Once he’s there he’s ok but the process of getting him there is horrible. The school are helping and offering what support they can.

I’ve been reading some CBT-type books on anxiety for kids with DS. He says that makes his anxiety worse and he won’t engage with any of the strategies in the book that would help.

The anxiety is separation-based (he thinks we’re going to die if he’s not with us).

We’ve thought about moving schools (his is fine, but a bit meh and he says he’s bored) but he won’t entertain the idea of moving schools or being home schooled. But he says he doesn’t want to go to school.

We’ve tried to get him to counselling (a year or so ago) but he refused to go.

I’m at my wits end. How do I help him if he won’t engage with any of the things that will help?

Oh and so as not to drip feed he had an older sibling (11) who is currently being assessed for adhd and asd and who is often explosive/ combative and I’m sure that’s compounding DS’s anxiety

I'd put this in somewhere other than AIBU OP.

You'll just be told to be firm and don't take no for an answer.

Unfortunately it's no where near as simple as that.

There's a thread about this over in education. It's full of other parents facing the same problem.

In the mean time I'd definitely speak to school and see how he is there as well as joining some groups on social media. One is Not Fine In School by Naomi Fisher and Missing the Mark.

A lot of children (not saying all but large percentage) who struggle to attend are ND. Is this a possibility for your DS?

@HippyKayYay

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/5003192-the-ebsa-support-thread-emotionally-based-school-avoidanceabsence

ND tends to run in families so if your other DS is likely to be ND then I wouldn't rule it out that your son is also.

It’s not a normal fear to worry you will die while he is at school - has there been a bereavement? Or other traumatic event, serious illness?

What have school said?

I'd get him to a GP and on the cahms waiting list. It'll take ages for anything to happen, but at least you've started the process.

If you have the means I'd also pay privately to see a therapist to try and unpick what's going on.

Apologies I missed the second part of your post.

I think I'd try to insist on him attending the therapy. He's clearly unwell and this is affecting him, therefore the medicine is therapy.

He may be ND but doesn’t display any other particular traits other than anxiety. Yes I know it’s not ‘normal’
GP as much use as a chocolate teapot. I haven’t even bothered contacting them as they were utterly useless with older DC and I wasted over a year chasing a right to choose referral before giving up and going private for their assessments.

I guess I can try and force him to therapy but I don’t know if he’d be able to engage with it. He hates talking about his feelings although is getting better able to identify what his worries are.

🥱 Here we go again. Whenever anybody is anxious and doesn't want to do something, they are deemed to be neurodiverse.

At this rate when more than half the population get a neurodiverse diagnosis, will they then be classed as 'normal'? What will happen then?

Some things can just be classed as a phase they are going through, you know!

Oh and yes I’ve seen the threads on EBSA and the FB page but I find a lot of it doesn’t tally with our situation and I couldn’t find many stories of ‘success’ (ie what had worked to help resolve situations like ours)

No, nothing like that

Really good booked called helping your child with fears and worries by Creswell and willets.
Also check if your school has any of the new educational mental health practitioners to help.
We have been there with DD1. It was a real mix of being supportive and firm. School was never not an option but we had a good supportive school who worked with us to get her in and help her feel listened to and supported.
Anxiety is an awful thing and takes real practice to manage.

School say he’s fine when he’s there (DS will mostly say the same). They’ve had lots of chats with him, have helped him come up with a list of stuff he likes doing on each day so he has stuff to look forward to

But it’s not helped at all. If anything it’s getting worse each day.

It’s absolutely breaking DH and I to the point that I really don’t know how we can take any more of this. Between the two DC it’s multiple emotional outbursts every day and endless battles, tears, shouting. Our work is suffering and we’re both only just on the brink of keeping it together mentally.

I just don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.

Thanks. I’ll look for that book. We’ve been reading How to Starve Your Anxiety Gremlin, but DS claims it makes it worse.

No MH support at school. The first appointment we can get with the SENCo is in about 3 weeks. It’s a small school so no budget for anything.

Could you try letting him know he can call you at break and lunch time? Then there only has to do a short amount of time before talking to you? I’m not oversimplifying things but mechanisms like this may help. Try to get school to get a support plan written up that you all write together, he will need to feel like he has some input and that he is being listened to. I agree that not going should not be an option, but you’re going to need to need the school’s help, they should have spaces in school that cater for pupils who feel that they need support.

This sounds like how my OCD started as a kid. I was convinced if I said the wrong things before leaving my DF would die while I was at school.

I was thinking OCD

Seconding @HangingOver

My OCD started in childhood. It's a disease that often takes around a decade to diagnose because sufferers 'live' with it quite convincingly.

I too was convinced that doing or not doing certain things would result in my mum dying.

If the usual anxiety advice and self-help books written for NT people is making things worse for DC, then that is yet another indicator he is neurodivergent as well as the family history.

Another thing to consider is ND (ASD or ADHD) burnout which can be confused for NT anxiety as there is overlap between symptoms..

Before therapy, you need an assessment and diagnosis. There is no point forcing him into say CBT for anxiety until he’s been assessed and diagnosed as having anxiety and also the sort of therapy for anxiety is different for NT compared to ND people. So first things first is a full psychological assessment.

Possible OCD is a good call too. Important thing is you need to get him professionally assessed before trying any self-help or therapy based on you DIY diagnosing him.

Sounds very similar to how my son was in primary school, right down to worrying we would die when he was apart from us.

Tried everything and kept him going in with a lot of help on transition into school from the senco and pastoral care lead , like you just seemed to be anxiety so we sought help for that and read all the books, had some camhs interventions which had limited impact.

It all fell apart at secondary and he completely became unable to go in at all. He's now in the process of ASD assessment and in an online school (maybe a stop gap, maybe longer term, we'll see once we get the diagnosis and start to think of a plan).

So you have my condolences, but we couldn't find a quick fix. And yes, that level of anxiety and inability to attend does seems likely there is some ND, that level of anxiety in a young child unrelated to trauma is unlikely to be 'just anxiety'.

I could ask the school. He doesn’t have his own phone so he’d need to use the one in the office.

They said he can go to nurture group and/or the nurture room but he said he doesn’t want to.

He was involved in drawing up the plan of ‘things to look forward to each day’ and he seemed pleased with it when he came back from school with it. But in the mornings he’s in total ‘fight/flight/freeze’ mode and there is just no getting through to his rational brain. He refuses to accept any logic (eg he will insist that bad things have happened to us while he’s been at school even though they never have!).

Ok thanks this is helpful! I talked to one child psychologist who talked about doing an assessment and I think this is what he meant.

First thing I thought of was neurodivergence In some kids it manifests as extreme anxiety as they’re struggling to cope with so many things at school - sensory overwhelm, friendships, following rules, deviations from routine, etc - but masking so well, no one can see their inner turmoil.

When you mentioned your older child I thought bingo. I have two autistic kids who are very different, so I do understand how it is.

Have a look at an illness called PANS/PANDAS, all of the behaviours you mention could be symptoms of this. Has he had any illnesses in December or before this started getting worse for him? PANS/PANDAS is an illness triggered by other illnesses.

PANS/PANDAS UK

Yes, that’s what they mean. Money well spent if you have it. I know it can be out of reach for many parents. Xx