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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that my dp gets paid a fortune and just coasts....

296 replies

PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:14

Today my dp's equal has been promoted to a new post that makes him my dp's boss and I'm really angry. I'm annoyed that my dp just coasts in his role and complains and doesn't try new things or work his arse off for his pay. Quite ridiculous to be annoyed as it keeps us in a nice lifestyle and I cannot work out why I'm so angry but I could cry with temper.
Is it my business, even? When he told me I went nuts and I can't explain why. Pregnancy? Jealousy? Worry? Over involved because I don't have my own job? I just don't know.
Trouble is I'm sure I've made a horrid situation worse for him but I couldn't help it and told him they'd (his bosses) had made him look stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
PosieParker · 07/05/2008 11:49

I was having a particularly hormonal day yesterday, which continued until I hit my car this morning, and am now in a calm frame of mind. Dirty laundry is in the tumble drier, even though it's sunny out, to dry and get rid of it post haste!!
As for satisfying I would be lying if I said that I didn't wish to have it all but know that my desire to stay at home with my children and not leave them with anyone other than family overrides my desire for a career. As long as I can bridge the gap between the two I can be happy, ie make changes in my life that ensure I have a clear path back to a career.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 07/05/2008 11:54

Good luck with it

conniedescending · 07/05/2008 11:57

pretty easy to have a loathing of childcare as well if your DH earns 200k

Original poster
PosieParker · 07/05/2008 11:59

We all have beliefs/principles/morals based on our capicity to live by them.

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oiFoiF · 07/05/2008 12:02

janni you are wrong, some people do not care at all about money and their world does not revolve around it either

glad tyou are less hormonal posie

Quattrocento · 07/05/2008 12:02

I'm not sure that principles are elastic - mine aren't.

sitdownpleasegeorge · 07/05/2008 12:05

Posie

Imagine if your dh was very driven and thought or even commented to one of his work colleages that...

"my wife posie is very able, she could easily find good childcare and go back to work but that would mean juggling home and work. It would be a more high pressure demanding lifestyle for her, I think she prefers to coast during the children's early years and just be there for them fulltime instead of putting herself under any greater pressure.

Original poster
PosieParker · 07/05/2008 12:10

That's easy to say, as I'm sure you've not been in a position to test yours. In parts of the world animal cruelty is not an issue because people are too worried about food. It's not about changing principles it's about having them based upon your situation. Prior to having children I hadn't given nurseries a second thought and once I had them I had choices that other's don't. Likewise I have principles that are afforded in my life as a British citizen that I wouldn't have elsewhere.

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Original poster
PosieParker · 07/05/2008 12:11

Sitdown, I'm not sure such a response is allowed, as it leaves me no escape route!!

OP posts:
sitdownpleasegeorge · 07/05/2008 12:24

Oh good you took it light heartedly,

I was worried afer I pushed the button, that you'd think I was sniping.

I do think it puts a more understanding slant on your husband's position though.

I'm quite envious of him earning so much and still being home for bath/ bed time.

Judy1234 · 07/05/2008 12:41

What is amusing is as soon as any of us on here reveal how much we ourselves earn (not that I have - mummy always told me it was rude to talk about money) or their other half earns some people get all jealous whereas in the US you'd think - brilliant - I could marry a man like that or I could earn that myself. There's a rather nasty socialist ethos amongst a lot of British people which hopefully we might be rid of in due course.

Obviously I would prefer women to earn their own £200k which many do and to find the sexual politics of being kept by a man unbearable in this transitional period as we move to more equality and are trying to get to 50% or more for women in a lot of sectors without losing the few gains we've made in the last 100 years and since the 1970 Equal Pay Act.

Sometimes people have to work smart not just hard. It's a problem for many women. They think if I work more hours than John over there my silent hard work will be rewarded and I will be promoted and given a pay rise. Whereas John has the nouse to spent 30% of his time at work showing off how good he is and getting on the right side of the right people. It's where a lot of women fail.

Original poster
PosieParker · 07/05/2008 12:42

My mummy said it was rude too, but this is an anonymous site so no real danger of anyone knowing who I am.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 07/05/2008 12:45

Of course and it's good for people to know what others earn in some senses. Far far too women have very very low expectations. They are almost more limited by that than anything else. If you know what's possible and what perfectly ordinary people can earn who do well then it encourages you do realise what is possible (or in female terms nab a man who does..... if we want to be classic about it rather than modern)

southeastastra · 07/05/2008 12:49

people get jealous because some earn absolutely pots of money whilst the normal working family bring in a massively lower income.

something is wrong with the economy when it is divided so much.

Original poster
PosieParker · 07/05/2008 12:53

Xenia, my dp wasn't earning so much when we met and as he had worked longer, whilst I was at University, it's no wonder he was earning more than me (by £20k). As I left his company and communted to London my career path was interrupted and so when we had children he was in line for promotion and heading for the salary he has now.
I'm not sure the classic route to money is nabbing a man, I thought it was family mortality and getting Mummy and Daddy's fortune. When walk my career path once more I may buy your island from you!!

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Quattrocento · 07/05/2008 12:53

I think the point Xenia makes about expectation is a good one - many people (especially women) have artificially low expectations.

This is an economy and an educational environment where anyone can earn a reasonable amount of money if they put their minds to it. So jealousy isn't a rational reaction - it should be "Oh, I could do that"

Original poster
PosieParker · 07/05/2008 12:55

Southeastastra, there's no such thing as equal earnings in a capitalist society... although I do think anyone earning above £150k should pay more tax and people under £20k pay less.

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Quattrocento · 07/05/2008 12:58

People earning over £150k already do pay more tax than those on £20k.

Tax at a rounded up 40% on £150k is £60k.

Tax at 20% on £20k is £4k.

See? Not being deliberately obtuse but it does irritate me when everyone assumes that the few high earners, who already pay massively more tax, should pay even more.

And for WHAT? Or maybe that's another rant

southeastastra · 07/05/2008 13:00

maybe so posie, but to me the gap is widening too much now.

Original poster
PosieParker · 07/05/2008 13:00

No, I mean more and less than they do already. I think we could survive on 5% less of dp's earnings. I have moments of hormone craziness but I am not stupid!!

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 07/05/2008 13:03

I knew what you meant PP but what I was saying is that the person on £150k pays exactly 15 times as much tax on their income than the person on £20k, but only has 7.5 times the income. I think the tax burden is already unfairly biased against high earners.

Youcannotbeserious · 07/05/2008 13:10

I agree with Quattocento - A very good point.

Lots of people just sit and moan about 'high earners' and how they should contribute 'more' to society, but they already contribute an awful lot.

The thought process should be 'I will go and earn more money' NOT 'I will sit here and moan about my benefits while some other poor sod earns a fortune'

But, that is probably a whole different argument!!

Original poster
PosieParker · 07/05/2008 13:13

Okay, so maybe I am stupid!! Actually by the time dp has put a little aside for a private pension and NI aswell as tax we are left with around half, maybe a little more. It's not so much how much people pay but how much is left. So that family is left with £16k and say both parents work, so £32k. Out of that two kids in full time childcare at £40 a day (rates in my area I believe) £4000 per year (£28k), mortgage at least £14500 per year (where I live to live anywhere decent) £13500 left, £3000 food, £1500 council tax, £2000 family holiday, £2500 at least to run a car, £4500 left... birthdays, day trips, going out, clothes, heating etc etc.
My maths and pricing maybe a little off but you see what I mean.
So we have at least £100k to do all this with and I think we could stomache £6k less to assist healthcare, schools, even clean the streets!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PosieParker · 07/05/2008 13:15

YCBS, to be devils advocate... what if the person had had a life of no drive or expectation and brought up in a family where parents never worked, where do they get the ambition to achieve more? What if they're not qualified or able to do anything except work in a production line?

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southeastastra · 07/05/2008 13:18

i couldn't really give a stuff how much someone earns, but i would like all people to be paid a good working wage. sadly that doesn't happen.