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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that my dp gets paid a fortune and just coasts....

296 replies

PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:14

Today my dp's equal has been promoted to a new post that makes him my dp's boss and I'm really angry. I'm annoyed that my dp just coasts in his role and complains and doesn't try new things or work his arse off for his pay. Quite ridiculous to be annoyed as it keeps us in a nice lifestyle and I cannot work out why I'm so angry but I could cry with temper.
Is it my business, even? When he told me I went nuts and I can't explain why. Pregnancy? Jealousy? Worry? Over involved because I don't have my own job? I just don't know.
Trouble is I'm sure I've made a horrid situation worse for him but I couldn't help it and told him they'd (his bosses) had made him look stupid.

OP posts:
Chequers · 06/05/2008 18:20

Message withdrawn

zippitippitoes · 06/05/2008 18:20

why isnt there any point having ajob?

it would seem that was quite prudent and would give you your own work to worry about?

suppose you end up in 20 years time out on your ear...then you might wish you had?

FairyMum · 06/05/2008 18:39

PP, interesting to find you are the OP. I remember you from the "AIBU-to honestley wonder, why have children if you WANT to work fulltime and are not prepared to make ANY sacrifices?"-thread in April. So perhaps I might have had a point afterall about you putting down wohms and their children to validate yourself?

2GIRLS · 06/05/2008 18:42

It's probably not the best time to get a job as she got a baby due in November I think.

But there's nothing to stop you from doing various other things like your wrting until the baby is born.

Do you or dp have any family nearby?

Just wondering why you're not married -not that you should be or anything, just wondering, it's just that it would put you in a much better financial position. Also have you done wills ect (sure you have just thinking).

zippitippitoes · 06/05/2008 18:45

plan to get a job in the future then

i was in a position of having a well paid husband and he wasnt keen on me working or doing anything but when i did eventually leave i was rather stuffed

so evben if on the surface a job isnt necessary or doesnt seem worth while if you dont like your dp much it might be a good idea

i would aslo try and marry him to give you financial security

2GIRLS · 06/05/2008 18:46

Do you want to work full time posieparker? I don't think she's at anytime said that's what she wants to do, it's everyone else that thinks she should go out to work.

She's said she doesn't believe in childcare (or whatever her words were). From what I can gather she has relationship issues and self esteem issues which could stem from any number of things.

zippitippitoes · 06/05/2008 18:46

so in a nutshell i would plan for my future rather than worry about how hard dp is working

zippitippitoes · 06/05/2008 18:48

relationship issues with a dp i would be concerned for my financila security as a priority

windygalestoday · 06/05/2008 18:48

when i made my initial comment regarding the op question i made it jusged on what she told us if she is living a comfortable life with 3 children and another on the way and she is happy with her 'lot' and all she was posting about ws the fact her dp had been passed up for promotion that he seemingly didnt even want that he is coasting along earning his 200k then i stand by saying she really has not a lot to be worrying about and if hes happy then really she shouldnt be pushing him from the sidelines against his will- my comments were based purely on what i see to be quite selfish of course money doesnt bring you unrivalled happiness but had the op posted a thread on a vein such as 'i feel unfullfilled s wife and mother and miss a career' 'my dp seems to be having lots of fun in the office' etc etc rather than imo bemoaning her lifestyle that im quite sure many of us would eagerly participate in a 'wife swap' for a week or 2 .,......my comment at her saying she had the body of kylie minogue was no detriment to kylies figure but at her own suggestion that was what she had?? does it matter was there any relevance in saying that?.

Judy1234 · 06/05/2008 18:56

I only read the fist post but doesn't this just prove why most mothers of under 5s have their own careers and work so they don't live their life through a man in this rather strange way.

Are we saying she managed to get a man who earns £200k because she has the body of Kylie M? That's simple market forces.

The most important point is that she didn't really handle her man is a way likely to make his happy which presumably is her role as a housewife/visual status symbol living off male earnings so may be needs another day in Stepford Wives' School. You make them feel good, not bad. That's the way to do it.

dittany · 06/05/2008 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2GIRLS · 06/05/2008 19:00

I do think there is relevance in hersaying she looked like kylie (who knows whether she actually did), it's about who you once were and coming to terms with who you are now, post kids and body image is very much part of that.

I still, 9 years later, think back to what I looked like before pregnancy, which I do think was like Kelly Brook (so don't look like that now!), but whereas I who might have better self esteem than pp can sort of go right, I look like a saggy old bag, but I've got other things to think about - pp looks back at that time and mentions the male attention because that gave her confidence and raised her self esteem.

And when your relationship is rocky, and when you're pg it's natural to think back to a time when you felt good about yourself.

2GIRLS · 06/05/2008 19:02

Are you serious that a SAHM who lives off her mans earnings is expected to make her husband happy, that's my role in life and in my house?

I'm not sure if you're actually being serious!

morningpaper · 06/05/2008 19:03

I hve a body like Kylie Minogue

plus an extra three stone

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 19:03

Fairymum, that is not my point of view at all. I don't understand your point, but I didn't understand why any 'camp' had to put the other down to support their own view point. Today I feel unfulfilled, tomorrow maybe different.

OP posts:
FairyMum · 06/05/2008 19:13

Perhaps read the thread I am referring to and see what my point about self-validation is?

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 19:19

THat thread was enormous and, with all due respect, I really can't be bothered to look through it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 19:25

And I never put down WOHMs, but had no understanding of how some put young babies and toddlers in a nursery for most of their waking hours during a week. FWIW I think all parents have the right to choice about going back to work and that parents more than childcare would be best for these children, most of the time. I'm pretty sure that I have never said WOHMs need to validate themselves???

OP posts:
DarthVader · 06/05/2008 19:25

You need to re-focus!

What is it exactly that you want but do not have?

Would dp's promotion or change of attitude to work give you what you want but do not have?

And if so at what price?

Superficially you seem nuts and unreasonable(!) but I strongly suspect that you are not and that there is an underlying issue here somewhere that it would be sensible to explore.

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 19:28

I am a little crazy and obsessive, I think (bloody hope) it's pregnancy! Nothing would have changed the way I feel in my dp's life, but I do think I need to find one of my own!

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 06/05/2008 19:28

pp what she is saying is that because you said that it is bad to have children and put them in a nursery that is because you want to validate your own position by denigrating the wohm

have you thought about the precariousness of your own finances tho?

DarthVader · 06/05/2008 19:37

"A dp that thought I was wonderful, that offered respect at no cost, that gave my boys the idea that I was worthy of adoration"

I think your dp should do all that, PP, apart from respect which you have to earn, but then I also expect that you have earned it - those are serious issues you have with your dp.

FairyMum · 06/05/2008 19:42

PP, this thread reads as an advert for going back to workPersonally I would probably feel quite simialr to you if I did not work. I need to for my own mental health and I have that in common with a lot of other mums. I wonder what's worse for children. Having a happy working mum or an unhappy sahm feeling resentful and living a quite seperate life from their father? what will happen once your child starts school? Will you be obsessing about what stage they are on the reading tree? I know I my mind certainly becomes clouded by strange issues I am normally too busy thinking about when on mat leave, I am more grumpy with my children and my poor DH......

2GIRLS · 06/05/2008 19:42

What does your dp do that would make your boys not adore you?

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 19:45

2girls, it's the worthy bit. I just remember an uncle who was really hard on his boys if they were ever rude to their mum, it was the worst crime... I'd like that to be the same in my house.
Fairymum, mmm damn and blast my own words

OP posts: