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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that my dp gets paid a fortune and just coasts....

296 replies

PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:14

Today my dp's equal has been promoted to a new post that makes him my dp's boss and I'm really angry. I'm annoyed that my dp just coasts in his role and complains and doesn't try new things or work his arse off for his pay. Quite ridiculous to be annoyed as it keeps us in a nice lifestyle and I cannot work out why I'm so angry but I could cry with temper.
Is it my business, even? When he told me I went nuts and I can't explain why. Pregnancy? Jealousy? Worry? Over involved because I don't have my own job? I just don't know.
Trouble is I'm sure I've made a horrid situation worse for him but I couldn't help it and told him they'd (his bosses) had made him look stupid.

OP posts:
2GIRLS · 06/05/2008 19:59

Well, I can see where you're comingb from and it is a good idea for your dp to say something to your boys if they're rude to you but if they're anything like my girls your dp would have something to say to them all the time!

I think kids will generally be a bit cheeky and answer back (I assume it's not just mine) but I would think that it's mor eimportant for them to see him speak to you with respect and not put you down in front of them.
Much better for them to see that and learn from it rather than them not being rude through fear.

dittany · 06/05/2008 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soapbox · 06/05/2008 20:15

Dittany - Posie shows very very little respect for her DH! They both sound as bad as each other frankly!

FairyMum · 06/05/2008 20:19

Or perhaps she is just in a really bad mad mood today. I can work up quite a bit of hatred for DH on my most menopausal days, but I don't post my feelings on MN because I would be tracked down by the men in white (or black may be....)

beansontoast · 06/05/2008 20:19

posieparker...you sound like you could do with reading a brilliant book ...AFFLUENZA by Oliver James......IMMEDIATELY!

i really think it will help you ...it addresses this kind of irrational distress X

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 20:30

Thank you..... beansontoast. I am already feeling a little more rational and know that I have a number of areas to work on. Nothing that a trip to relate won't solve!! And then there's realising that there's more to life and all that.
I am in a very bad mood, it's called being really tired, pregnant and being awake!!!

OP posts:
Janni · 06/05/2008 21:12

Xenia - you have surpassed yourself in that last post

Judy1234 · 06/05/2008 22:08

Thanks.
I think whether someone is a housewife/husband or a full time worker there's nothing wrong with trying to make their partner feel good which may be she didn't quite achieve here. On the other hand many a classic no working corporate wife has pushed and pushed both her man and in securing connections for him and the like (much less so these days than in the past) that she might indeed be a power behind the throne and render someone ambitious who is not very much so. Obviously I don't like that dynamic but it perhaps works on some spouses.

Elasticwoman · 06/05/2008 22:17

"Most mothers of under 5s have their own careers".

Contentious statement. Would you care to substatiate that one Xenia?

margoandjerry · 06/05/2008 22:28

I would have thought by the time their children reached age 5 most women would be working in some capacity. That's my sense based on my huge sample of - my friends and people I know! Does that strike you as surprising? Wasn't sure if you were querying that or the use of the word "career".

Elasticwoman · 06/05/2008 22:31

Yes Margo, I agree that by the time dc are age 5, most women are earning money one way or the other, but in my experience those working full time are in a minority, esp if they have a f/t working partner. So yes, I suppose it's the word career.

margoandjerry · 06/05/2008 22:36

Agree on that. I work ft and so do my closest friends but we are a bit unusual in the wider circle. I also definitely view myself as having a career and there I think I'm in even more of a minority.

Judy1234 · 06/05/2008 22:59

Career is the wrong word as some are lucky to get a job on the tills in Tesco. I meant most mothers of under 5s in the Uk work, abroad work and in the UK in the past worked. My grandmother and great grandmother worked. They would have starved if they hadn't.

alfiesbabe · 06/05/2008 23:32

Haven't read the whole thread, but from the OP.... FFS woman, stop whinging about whether your DH is working hard enough and get yerself a job!!! You are living your life through him! Walk a mile in his shoes and then see whether you still want to moan!

Janni · 06/05/2008 23:45

She has three little ones and is pregant with the fourth. 'Get a job' is a tad unrealistic at the moment.

windygalestoday · 06/05/2008 23:46

i think the thing with women/mums is that we tebd to take lower paid less demanding jobs so we can still run a family whereas men quite happily can just concentrate on work for example when i was at work (i worked evening til quite late sometimes early hours running a hotel this was after my nursery nursing)i would rest whilst ds2 was t nursey then collect him feed him clean the house go shopping etc etc collect ds1 feed them both prepare stuff for next day prepare meal for dh bathe the children get them in pjs and then leave the house a lot of the time for 12 hour shift-if dh was held up i would take ds to work with me until he could collect them and i did all this whilst pregnnt with ds 3 if there was something needing doing i still had to do it and dh job took precedence regrdless of the fact i was earning an equal wage to him albeit a lot in tips.

I wouldnt say i was more fullfilled as a working mum its very difficult to do without already having good finances -childcare costs money and it was very stressful and it made me quite ill.

i just think some people have real issues to be complaining bout AND this wsnt one of those occasions,try living my life for a week and youd soon see what life you prefer.

dittany · 06/05/2008 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quattrocento · 06/05/2008 23:55

"'Get a job' is a tad unrealistic at the moment."

Nah. Xenia we need you to tell them about the time you were pregnant with No5 whilst still working 50 hours a week

alfiesbabe · 06/05/2008 23:58

Well presumably having 3 young children and expecting number 4 is a joint decision? So it's a bit crap to try to use this as an 'excuse' to justify the OP's viewpoint. I think it's really bizarre for someone not in paid employment to be carping about their DH 'coasting' when he's clearly earning ehough to keep wifey and his soon-to-be-four kids. I really don't get what she's whinging about!!

Judy1234 · 07/05/2008 06:52

I don't think bearing a child is necessarily something that demands respect but certainly her husband should be supportive as she should be of him and they should both be respectful of the other and make allowances when one is very tired etc.

Yes, I worked until the day my 5 arrived and I was recruited to a job when 5 months pregnant with no. 3 when the others were 1 and 3 but just because I could do that and wanted to doesn't mean everyone does and a lot of people aren't in such demand an employer would want them in that situation anyway.

Also the personality of some people is to coast. That's their psyche. I like to feel I have done a good enough job but I don't need to work 24/7. We all reach our own desired level and the extent to which a spouse should be involved in that is interesting. I didn't always like it when my exhusband questioned me about what I'd earned that day which felt like every day as it felt like extra pressure I didn't need. I didn't really feel it was like a spur or encouragement but then we didn't get on so I'm not the best example of wife/husband relationships.

oiFoiF · 07/05/2008 07:48

" don't think bearing a child is necessarily something that demands respect"

no but caring for children is something that demands respect. Caring for anyone does. People are not more important because they get paid more or even because they get paid. The world does not revolve around money and status

Janni · 07/05/2008 09:49

It does, oiFoiF, but it shouldn't

Original poster
PosieParker · 07/05/2008 10:21

Quattrocentral, I hardly think Xenia is any example to give me, given that I loathe the idea of small babies in child care, mine anyway. I have enrolled in a course at Uni and will give myself a little space and room to breathe. I am also on the waiting list for relate... sometimes feel a drama arises (or in my case two, well three if you include hitting my car this morning!!) so it airs issues that need sorting.
Thanks for all of the replies.

OP posts:
Janni · 07/05/2008 10:57

Also, Xenia and Quattrocentro are at the vanguard of machofeminism - 'taint enough to be a woman, 'ya gotta have balls too.

Quattrocento · 07/05/2008 11:03

I don't know what machfeminism is but I'm certain that it's ultimately much more satisfying (and healthier too) to be in receipt of a £200k salary rather than sitting on the sidelines carping about it ...