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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Invite Assumptions

176 replies

RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 20:12

theres a largeish group of us who are all friends from school, all in regular WhatsApp contact, meet up throughout the year etc. Within the group some are closer than others due to living closer etc, but no rifts or drama.

we all get hen invites a few months ago, everyone agreed and paid. Now wedding invites have come out and all but one girl have them!

I now feel really conflicted about going to the wedding as I can’t understand why you wouldn’t invite all of us (there are plus ones going, so if I was organising it I’d have picked the friend over partners as it’s apparently a space issue). Especially after inviting someone to your hen do which you know will
cost them time and money to come and celebrate with you.

Totally understand that someone’s wedding guest list is their own and wouldn’t dream of trying to interfere. And that no one is entitled to a space. I just couldn’t picture myself so obviously excluding someone, who has now had to find out via everyone else slowly piping up about receiving invites on the group chat.

Would it be unreasonable for me to decline the invite (without saying why obviously) and let the other girl believe I wasn’t invited either so she doesn’t feel alone?

OP posts:
Oxide61 · 21/01/2025 20:16

My friend was the one not to receive an invite in a similar situation. It was lost in the post and the bride was mortified she thought she wasn't invited. Perhaps a quick conversation with the bride is all that's needed to resolve this.

2025willbemytime · 21/01/2025 20:19

No, check with the bride in case it's a genuine mistake. If not, then ask why she's being so mean as to leave out one friend. If you decide not to go as bride is being spiteful I'd tell the left out friend the truth. She'll appreciate your support.

Kitkatcatflap · 21/01/2025 20:19

If you have a plus one perhaps she could be yours, providing you have checked there has been no behind the curtains fallout between the uninvited girl and the bride.

FoxtonFoxton · 21/01/2025 20:21

I'd do some background investigation before responding. There may be some fall out you are unaware of, or the invite has been lost in the post. It's nice of you to think about her feelings though! Hopefully it's a misunderstanding.

Eldermillenialyogi · 21/01/2025 20:21

Agree you could ask the bride but also there could be a reason you don't know about

mnahmnah · 21/01/2025 20:25

I assume from you saying that it is a space issue, that you have had it confirmed from the bride that this was intentional and not lost in the post?

Is the bride in the WhatsApp group? Is she aware it has been noticed by everyone?

If not, I would ring her and ask. Along the lines of ‘I just wanted to check whether x should have received an invite or whether there is something at play we’re not aware of that you don’t want her at the wedding? I think x will be feeling too awkward to ask so I thought I would check’

Coriol · 21/01/2025 20:29

Just offer her your plus one, if you’re sure it’s not an intentional lack of invitation because she made a play for the groom of something?

An ‘assumption’ I see a lot on here is that attending the hen is a sort of ‘tax’ you pay in order to attend the wedding. I find that quite odd.

Itsallgonesideways · 21/01/2025 20:29

RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 20:12

theres a largeish group of us who are all friends from school, all in regular WhatsApp contact, meet up throughout the year etc. Within the group some are closer than others due to living closer etc, but no rifts or drama.

we all get hen invites a few months ago, everyone agreed and paid. Now wedding invites have come out and all but one girl have them!

I now feel really conflicted about going to the wedding as I can’t understand why you wouldn’t invite all of us (there are plus ones going, so if I was organising it I’d have picked the friend over partners as it’s apparently a space issue). Especially after inviting someone to your hen do which you know will
cost them time and money to come and celebrate with you.

Totally understand that someone’s wedding guest list is their own and wouldn’t dream of trying to interfere. And that no one is entitled to a space. I just couldn’t picture myself so obviously excluding someone, who has now had to find out via everyone else slowly piping up about receiving invites on the group chat.

Would it be unreasonable for me to decline the invite (without saying why obviously) and let the other girl believe I wasn’t invited either so she doesn’t feel alone?

Why have you paid to attend a wedding?

Original poster
RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 20:31

Itsallgonesideways · 21/01/2025 20:29

Why have you paid to attend a wedding?

Show quote history

No one has paid to attend the wedding, I was saying she’s paid to celebrate with her at the hen

OP posts:
Original poster
RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 20:34

Yes definitely not invited, confirmed by the bridesmaids that she couldn’t fit anymore people and as this girl lives the furthest and therefore is seen the least often by her, that she was the choice to cut.

I totally understand the logic if space was is too tight, but in that circumstance I don’t think I’d have invited her to the hen weekend. Or at least given her the heads up so she could choose if she wanted to come.

I think if that were me I’d feel out of place all weekend knowing I’m not considered a proper friend (that’s probably dramatic I know!)

OP posts:
jhar · 21/01/2025 20:34

I would ask the bride first.

Because either
It's lost,
Or there is an issue,
Or, she gets cross at you interfering and invites her after you decline.

TheFlis · 21/01/2025 20:34

There must be more to this than lack of space. It’s incredibly poor form to get someone to shell out for a hen weekend and then not invite them to the wedding.

Original poster
RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 20:34

Oh and plus ones was probably an unfair description, I mean the respective partners of those invited. Some who are long standing, some who are very new.

OP posts:
Md85 · 21/01/2025 20:36

I had something similar and we sent our invite to the wrong house number. They luckily brought it up to us after my husband had emailed different hotel options for the wedding.

Topjoe19 · 21/01/2025 20:37

That's dreadful asking her to the hen & then not inviting her to the wedding. I'd message the bride & say you'll bring her as your plus one because it's awful to leave her out.

MeganM3 · 21/01/2025 20:38

I completely agree with you.

Why on earth did she invite her to the hen but not the wedding and not even mention it!!? How rude.

I'd do exactly what you suggested. And decline, making sure the bride knows why and the other girl thinks you also weren't invited.
And I'd cancel going to the hen as well.

Pieandchips999 · 21/01/2025 20:39

Do you have a partner? Could the friend go in their place? Or one of the other friends. Given there are+1s? Just double check with the bridesmaids that's ok. I'm assuming this is a sensible friend who didn't get completely mortal and do something awful on the hen?

xyz111 · 21/01/2025 20:43

I would take the friend and leave your partner at home.

Original poster
RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 20:44

Pieandchips999 · 21/01/2025 20:39

Do you have a partner? Could the friend go in their place? Or one of the other friends. Given there are+1s? Just double check with the bridesmaids that's ok. I'm assuming this is a sensible friend who didn't get completely mortal and do something awful on the hen?

No mine had an affair last year so I’m a lone attendee 😂

The hen isn’t til August, so she definitely hasn’t shown herself up. Her “crime” is literally just that she lives furthest so we’ve seen less of her in person over the years.

Another one of the girls has said she could have her partners space, but obviously she feels like an after thought now so it’s all a bit blah!

I know weddings are hard to plan, but the thoughtlessness has really upset me!

thanks for your opinions!

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 21/01/2025 20:47

Don't lie to your friend. That will just cause more problems.

Banyon · 21/01/2025 20:48

RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 20:34

Yes definitely not invited, confirmed by the bridesmaids that she couldn’t fit anymore people and as this girl lives the furthest and therefore is seen the least often by her, that she was the choice to cut.

I totally understand the logic if space was is too tight, but in that circumstance I don’t think I’d have invited her to the hen weekend. Or at least given her the heads up so she could choose if she wanted to come.

I think if that were me I’d feel out of place all weekend knowing I’m not considered a proper friend (that’s probably dramatic I know!)

Ouch.

Bride handled this very badly. It’s on her, her choice.

Not sure what u not going achieves. Other than saving bridezilla some money.

Dotto · 21/01/2025 20:49

It's pretty bad of her OP, particularly when she's prioritising +1s she barely knows and benefiting from the poor girl's money for the hen.

I'd be tempted to pull out of both the hen and the wedding, and have a conversation with the poor left out one.

Horrible.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/01/2025 20:51

Coriol · 21/01/2025 20:29

Just offer her your plus one, if you’re sure it’s not an intentional lack of invitation because she made a play for the groom of something?

An ‘assumption’ I see a lot on here is that attending the hen is a sort of ‘tax’ you pay in order to attend the wedding. I find that quite odd.

Not a tax, but what IS the point of going to a hen night of someone whose wedding you're not going to be at? I really don't get that at all.

NotARealWookiie · 21/01/2025 20:52

Yeah the bride could have canvassed you all and said “this is a space issue, is anyone partner unlikely to be able to attend or would be happy attending alone in order that I can invite you all”…before sending invites.

I often attend weddings alone as we have no childcare so a childfree wedding means husband stays behind if it’s “my” friend and vice versa. This could have been a solution.

Dotto · 21/01/2025 20:53

what IS the point of going to a hen night of someone whose wedding you're not going to be at? I really don't get that at all

To make up the numbers and spread the cost further so it's cheaper for everyone. It's shitty.