Wedding Invite Assumptions

[RatalieTatalie]

theres a largeish group of us who are all friends from school, all in regular WhatsApp contact, meet up throughout the year etc. Within the group some are closer than others due to living closer etc, but no rifts or drama.

we all get hen invites a few months ago, everyone agreed and paid. Now wedding invites have come out and all but one girl have them!

I now feel really conflicted about going to the wedding as I can’t understand why you wouldn’t invite all of us (there are plus ones going, so if I was organising it I’d have picked the friend over partners as it’s apparently a space issue). Especially after inviting someone to your hen do which you know will
cost them time and money to come and celebrate with you.

Totally understand that someone’s wedding guest list is their own and wouldn’t dream of trying to interfere. And that no one is entitled to a space. I just couldn’t picture myself so obviously excluding someone, who has now had to find out via everyone else slowly piping up about receiving invites on the group chat.

Would it be unreasonable for me to decline the invite (without saying why obviously) and let the other girl believe I wasn’t invited either so she doesn’t feel alone?

The hen issue isn't just about the money. It's also that the hen will be dominated by talk of the wedding, as discovered by @constantlylactating : I was invited on a hen for a (close) friend, spent about £400 on the hen only to find out through chat on the night that I wasn't actually invited to the wedding.

If the uninvited one feels left out now she'll feel a hell of a lot worse if she goes to the hen.

No, don't start spinning stories. If you want to, tell the bride that you feel very concerned about this one person being left out, and ask her why. If there's no good reason except space, try to persuade the bride to find a way of including her.

I’m going to offer another viewpoint here as a recent bride. Organising the guest list can be the most challenging part of planning my wedding. When money and restrictions on numbers are an issue you often have to make difficult decisions over who to invite/not invite and it’s pretty impossible to do this without pissing someone off. Although my wedding was child free I made the exception for one very close friend for legitimate reasons. I am sure some people also thought their partners should have been invited when others were but again there were reasons for all the decisions. When one of you has 30 odd cousins and the other only has a few they aren’t close to is it easier to just say no cousins at all as it would cost too much to invite them all anyway. Weddings are so expensive these days. In saying that I don’t think I could have left out one friend from a friendship group or anyone who went to my hen do. Although there was a mix of friends who went to the hen do who were day guests and a few who were evening. I definitely wouldn’t fall out with someone over this though as I’m sure the bride feels bad about it anyway.

It’s just really bad form. You don’t invite someone to your hen do that’s not being invited to your wedding.

It would make the hen do so awkward talking about the wedding knowing that one person hasn’t been invited. Just no.

i know this isn’t the point of your post, but if the hen night isn’t until August, I assume the wedding isn’t until August at the earliest…..yet the wedding invitations have already been sent out 7 months before the wedding? I’ve never been married, so don’t know when they are normally sent, but it seems very early.

Her earlier post explained that - some of the group are teachers.

Is the one not invited upset, or are you just upset on her behalf. Why the bride didn't discuss it with her before the invites were sent is not great seeing as she has paid for coming on the hen. But the bride might have differing views, such as the hen is for all her girl friends and the wedding is for close people and partners invited as she knows it is an overnight stay.

Yes she’s hurt, but she’s a genuinely good egg so definitely wouldn’t call her out or make a scene,

As far as I can tell the bride as yet doesn’t know that she’s realised she’s not invited. Although some people said thanks for the invite on the group chat, not everyone did.

Wedding is October, it’s been ten years since I got married so can’t remember if that’s a particularly long way ahead. But I imagine as it’s a half term wedding and there’s so many teachers it’s just to make sure people know before booking holiday?

Sometimes these kind of issues are a blessing in disguise, they make you realise who your friends are

I've been to the hen night of people who haven't invited me to the wedding but it was fully understood that that was going to be the case. For example I had a Saturday job in a shop and the manager got married and invited all the girls from the store to her hen do. None of us were under any assumption that we would be at the wedding.
Kinda different if you are a really good friend/one of only a couple of hens and our invites were to the local pub not a massive hens event.

This happened to me. Was invited to a hen do hundreds of miles away, paid to sleep on a sofa for 2 nights as no room in either of the rooms (we were last to arrive), paid to do an activity which was something I’d never have wanted to do in a million years and then got an invite to the evening do only. The friend I travelled with also received the same invite but then was bumped up to the actual wedding and reception etc bc presumably someone dropped out, so I was the only one from the hen wknd only invited to make up the evening do numbers. Felt pretty shit, was tactlessly done and the woman whose wedding it was always prided herself on being a lovely and sophisticated person.

Needless to say that was the friendship over for me. I didn’t even RSVP, which I should have done, but was just so hurt that I’d blatantly been used to spread the costs of the weekend for everyone else. The other friend knew exactly why I wasn’t going so no doubt told her. Bumped into her in the pub a year or 2 later and she brought her wedding up and I cheerily changed the subject. Think she was trying to make me feel bad for not attending but I just thought she was disappointingly full of shit. Cared more about the superficiality of her big day than genuine friendships forged outside of it. Probably pissed her off that I wasn’t grateful to have been invited to what I was, but I didn’t want to celebrate someone like that and just add to the numbers to boost her self-image of being popular. I wasn’t bothered about the party element - the most important part for me is to see someone you care about get married - the actual wedding - and she obv wasn’t bothered to have me share that part at all. Never spoken to her again and over it (despite the post) but disappointed she was like that when we seemed to get on and had known each for a long time.

*edited to add - well done on giving a shit about your friend, OP. You’re a decent person, be proud of yourself.

-Mine expressed no empathy whatsoever and was just pissed off she’d have no one to talk to in my absence - was still trying to convince me to go via texts on the day, after the wedding had finished, and expected I’d actually bother getting transport over to toast the bride and groom for an hour or 2 after she and all the other hen wknd women had spent the entire day celebrating. Jog. On.

I’m sorry to hear that, but thanks for sharing. That’s exactly how I think I’d feel if it were me.

unless like someone else said there was an explicit understanding that you wouldn’t be getting a wedding invite, then I think it’s fairly safe to assume you’ll be invited to the wedding…especially as one of a larger group.

so when the first people reply and says no can’t make it the friend wil get an invite ?

if you don't feel comfortable going then fine. But concocting some batshit BS about not being invited yourself risks making you look unhinged.

Ask the bride, express your view.

Perhaps the best thing for you to do then is contact the bride and tell her you’re giving her a “heads up” that the excluded friend is fully aware that she is the only one who hasn’t been invited and she may wish to reach out to her to avoid any hurt feelings/to preserve the friendship.

If she is receptive and is usually a level headed and reasonable person, you might also want to gently mention the expense of the hen do that the friend will be incurring without a wedding invite and that the bride might want to think about if this is reasonable or if she wants to cover her costs?

I’m going to offer another viewpoint here as a recent bride. Organising the guest list can be the most challenging part of planning my wedding

so you think it is totally ok to invite someone to spend a lot of money on a hen do, to save you and your chosen inner circle a bit on the costs, and then not invite them to the wedding?

You are rude, and have committed a massive faux pas if so. It is utter piffle to make such a song and dance about a guest list. Make your guest list, then look at that list and invite people off that to your hen.

Anything else if CFery.

Really super rude if the bride. How thoughtless to exclude one friend. What is she supposed to do? Go to the hen, hear all about the wedding plans? Then, when it us the wedding gear all about it and see all the photos in axial nexus and talked about in the group chat as well as all the get togethers?

AND this our girl DID NOTHING to deserve this poor treatment.

I am sorry but the bride is a real female dog here. She should get an invitation to her asap and apologies profusely. Even if it is a single invite.

Would it be unreasonable for me to decline the invite (without saying why obviously) and let the other girl believe I wasn’t invited either so she doesn’t feel alone?

Yes, that would be very unreasonable (foolish) and would quickly backfire in all directions.
How do you know that this girl won’t be invited after all the RSVP’s are in and the bride has her on the reserve list.

It’s an invitation, for you, because the bride wants you there. It is the bride’s prerogative to invite who she likes and not your place to insert yourself into that process. You say you accept but you clearly don’t respect it.

Either accept it or decline it, for whatever reasons you feel are right for you, according to your own personal judgement and values.
But you shouldn’t engineer things to get the outcome you feel is socially correct. It’s not your place to do that.
Neither should you gossip about it with others.
Just quietly do what you feel is right for you OP. Accept or politely decline.

When I got married, I had friends who attended the Hen do but weren't invited to the wedding. Although they were friends, they weren't 'close' friends but they still wanted to celebrate and indeed, they all turned up to the church on the day, even though they weren't invited to the dinner. It was their choice.

Thats exactly what I was asking if I should do. I hadn’t planned to tell the bride anything other than I had plans as it was half term because I don’t think it’s my place to tell her who to invite. And I wouldn’t be socially engineering the guest list, I was just trying to make my friend feel less outcasted I suppose.

yes the understanding i have is that if guests dropped out she would have been invited then.

I think “accept it but don’t respect it” perfectly sums up how I feel. I understand it’s not my place to tell her what to do and that people won’t all behave how I think they should and wouldn’t call her out on it for that reason, but I don’t have respect for her choice or the thoughtlessness behind it.

oh that’s so odd, I’d never turn up to a wedding I wasn’t invited to!

Looks like an oversight to me unless they have fallen out since?

Oh well I wouldn’t have ever seen it that I would come across unhinged for trying to save someone’s feelings, so I guess it’s good to get other points of view.

No definitely not an oversight, as I mentioned she has confirmed it is a space issue and she sees less of this person than any of the rest of us. Hen hasn’t happened yet so no fall outs at that (yet!)