Wedding Invite Assumptions

[RatalieTatalie]

theres a largeish group of us who are all friends from school, all in regular WhatsApp contact, meet up throughout the year etc. Within the group some are closer than others due to living closer etc, but no rifts or drama.

we all get hen invites a few months ago, everyone agreed and paid. Now wedding invites have come out and all but one girl have them!

I now feel really conflicted about going to the wedding as I can’t understand why you wouldn’t invite all of us (there are plus ones going, so if I was organising it I’d have picked the friend over partners as it’s apparently a space issue). Especially after inviting someone to your hen do which you know will
cost them time and money to come and celebrate with you.

Totally understand that someone’s wedding guest list is their own and wouldn’t dream of trying to interfere. And that no one is entitled to a space. I just couldn’t picture myself so obviously excluding someone, who has now had to find out via everyone else slowly piping up about receiving invites on the group chat.

Would it be unreasonable for me to decline the invite (without saying why obviously) and let the other girl believe I wasn’t invited either so she doesn’t feel alone?

Weddings can really bring out the worst in people. I'd be livid if I had paid to go to a hen do (which are often dreadful) and then discover I don't make the tier 1 list for the wedding, but my friends partners did. Absolutely livid. And if my friend did that to someone else I'd really be rethinking the friendship. Its just so unkind to leave one person out.

That’s a really good idea, then she knows no one minds leaving partners at home (which they don’t!)

To be honest I think you should stay out of it, the bride may have had other reasons for not inviting her that you don’t know about and it is her wedding to invite who she wants/ doesn’t

Agreed. Whilst it's not nice what the bride has done, it's really no one else's place to change the Guestlist 🫣

If it were me I wouldnt want to go to the wedding now, or the hen! I’d ask to be refunded for the hen. Unreasonable of the bride to expect the person to go to that now, being the only one.

Sure, as a stand alone event. But the bride put this person in the position of expectation of paying and traveling to a whole hen thing and being the only one not invited to the wedding. That’s mortifying for her.

Also agree.
What is your friend saying? If it was me I wouldn’t want an invite if I hadn’t made the list in the first place. But everyone’s different. If she wants to go regardless then maybe there is a way you can all resolve things for the sake of your friendship group. I hope so. Otherwise it’s not your place to change someone else’s actions. The bride is very aware she has left someone out. If she wanted to change things I’m sure she would reach out to one of your other friends and ask whether they would mind if their partner didn’t come so she can be included. It’s really not that difficult. So unfortunately my guess would be that it is intentional. And therefore very poor form that she was included in the hen

Has the hen not happened yet? Yes I would defo be asking for a refund!

Im pretty sure she said it wasnt until August as they booked it well ahead cause it needed to be in peak school holidays due to a couple of guests being teachers

That’s awful in my opinion. I’d not invite someone to a hen who isn’t coming to the wedding unless I’d made that really clear. I think it’s lovely of you to decline and pretend to have not been invited as well in order to save her feelings. You could take her as the plus one but if I were our friend I think I’d feel too upset to go as a plus one. Maybe see how she feels? You’re not unreasonable whether you go or not, the bride did not handle this tactfully or thoughtfully and that’s on her.

It very out of order to invite someone to a hen and not invite them to the wedding even if it was just an evening invite, bride sounds like a CF I wouldn’t bother going if I were you

Well if she hadn’t already confirmed that she wasn’t invited due to space (as she sees the least of her out of everyone) and that she will get an invite if anyone can’t make it, there’s definitely no other reasoning.

And while I totally get that anyone can invite who they want to their wedding. Why would you invite someone to celebrate your marriage at you hen party, that you didn’t consider worthy of celebrating your wedding with? That’s the bit I can’t get my head around 🤷‍♀️

Yes that’s right, it hasn’t happened, but we have already paid. Since all this happened the bridesmaids who organised it said they would refund her if she didn’t want to go. They feel very awkward on her behalf I think so it’s not totally in my head luckily!

Nobody will do this because they're probably terrified of being the next person to be excluded. But I actually think you should all refuse to go unless she is invited (obviously don't tell the excluded friend this). Ostracism is a form of bullying and she should not be allowed to get away with this. She is setting a precedent for this friend to be excluded from future events and is probably hoping she will be phased out of the friendship group.

I am just gobsmacked she has basically tricked her into contributing towards her hen do, probably costing this poor woman hundreds and potentially using precious annual leave. Anyone would assume they would have a wedding day invitation after being invited to the hen. She is entitled to have who she wants at her wedding but you are all within your rights to not attend.

I don’t think you should instigate a boycott. That would feel coercive, essentially giving the bride an ultimatum and that dynamic will quickly become toxic.

I think the way I’d handle it is to find out whether uninvited friend knows for sure she’s not invited. If it could be an invite lost in the post situation I’d call the bride and say I know you were in a difficult position with the numbers so how about if I don’t bring a plus one and instead you can invite X and we’ll keep that between ourselves. And I’d keep my thoughts to myself about what a rubbish decision this was in the first place.

It might be too late for that of course. The bridesmaids sound like they can see this is awkward so perhaps they can help manage this? Like you I’d be thinking of gracefully bowing out of the wedding so I can say oh no I wasn’t invited either, they couldn’t have everyone. BUT you likely need to agree that story with (some) others or it might not be long before someone puts their foot in it and makes a comment about you ‘not being able to make’ the wedding. Also presumably if you decline she’ll have a space and then invite this other friend?!

If she hasn't been invited for a particular reason though this could really undermine the brides decision.

The fact the bride has been so thoughtless and mean to someone else would put me off going to the wedding anyway. In your position, I’d decline.

I give you should now ask one of the others who have a plus one if they can take left out friend instead.

Then that friend asks the bride if that's okay and then friend goes. And you can go.

If none of the other friends wants to have a short term partner their over a long time friend, well that clarifies where left out friend is in the group.

Unless she actually said she couldn't come to the wedding that does seem rude. If you're close to the excluded person and it might upset them then it's fair enough not to go, out of solidarity.

Don't go on the Bridesmaids say that she's not invited go straight to the Bride asking why she's not invited to the wedding but invited to the Hen weekend. Ask her if it's a space thing can you invite her as your +1 so she can come along with you. It's mean of the Bride if this girl is making an effort to come to her Hen weekend that she doesn't feel she's worthy enough to attend her wedding. especially if she's invited partners of friends that are relatively new who she probably doesn't know as well as this other friend.

That some seriously off thinking by the bride.

Not much to add to what's already been said, apart from if you decline, you run the risk she will then be invited in your place.

I think the simplest all round solution is for the friend who is happy to come without her partner to quickly message the bride and ask if the excluded friend could be invited instead.

Ouch, definitely don't invite someone to the hen if they're not at the wedding, what an awkward hen weekend jesus!! I think your friend/the left out hen will find out you've lied but my question would be - are you closer to her or to the bride, where do your loyalties stand. Also I do wonder, if you decline would the left out girl get a last minute invite now there's space!?
I'd be tempted to explain to the missed out friend that I did get an invite but I'm raging on her behalf so let's book a weekend away that weekend together and I'll decline as I'm away with you unfortunately.

Since all this happened the bridesmaids who organised it said they would refund her if she didn’t want to go. They feel very awkward on her behalf I think so it’s not totally in my head luckily!

@RatalieTatalie You all sound lovely and thoughtful, and better friends to the left out hen than the bride.

Hi OP just wondering how it all went and if it got resolved amicably or not?

I think it is so cheeky to invite someone to a hen do but not the wedding (unless it's a very intimate wedding). It's like saying I want you to come and make up my party numbers and pay towards a fun weekend but your not important enough for me to pay for your place at my wedding.