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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Invite Assumptions

176 replies

RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 20:12

theres a largeish group of us who are all friends from school, all in regular WhatsApp contact, meet up throughout the year etc. Within the group some are closer than others due to living closer etc, but no rifts or drama.

we all get hen invites a few months ago, everyone agreed and paid. Now wedding invites have come out and all but one girl have them!

I now feel really conflicted about going to the wedding as I can’t understand why you wouldn’t invite all of us (there are plus ones going, so if I was organising it I’d have picked the friend over partners as it’s apparently a space issue). Especially after inviting someone to your hen do which you know will
cost them time and money to come and celebrate with you.

Totally understand that someone’s wedding guest list is their own and wouldn’t dream of trying to interfere. And that no one is entitled to a space. I just couldn’t picture myself so obviously excluding someone, who has now had to find out via everyone else slowly piping up about receiving invites on the group chat.

Would it be unreasonable for me to decline the invite (without saying why obviously) and let the other girl believe I wasn’t invited either so she doesn’t feel alone?

OP posts:
porridgebath · 21/01/2025 21:49

You do NOT invite someone to your hen do if they aren't invited to your wedding! That is so shit. I think karma is going to get them.

lastminutetrip · 21/01/2025 21:50

The bride needs faces for her Instagram post so has just invited everyone without thought to them being real people with feelings.

Greyish2025 · 21/01/2025 21:51

RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 21:47

yes definitely true to say they’re less close and so if you weren’t inviting people there’s a couple of people that would make sense in the group due to distance and life stages etc.

we’ve all been friends since school, speak 3-4 times a week minimum on the group chat, all meet as a whole group at least once a year, but people meet weekly/monthly/quarterly whatever within that because they live closer, have children the same age or what have you.

other people in the group have had weddings where some haven’t been invited, but never just one person and they also weren’t invited to the hen. I think this just feels a bit more personal because it’s just one person this time. And the mixed message with the hen weekend.

Show quote history

Maybe the woman who has been left out really Dosen’t mind and is thankful she isn’t invited as it will save her money

Brefugee · 21/01/2025 21:51

as the non-invitee i'd be demanding my hen-do money back for starters. God the utter cheek of it

lastminutetrip · 21/01/2025 21:52

Greyish2025 · 21/01/2025 21:51

Maybe the woman who has been left out really Dosen’t mind and is thankful she isn’t invited as it will save her money

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Not going on a hen do would save her money

LivelyMintViper · 21/01/2025 21:55

You sound a really lovely and loyal friend. Yes, back out and tell both why.

Bubblybits · 21/01/2025 21:58

RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 21:00

I think I was just thinking the other girl could then assume we both weren’t invited? And so
might still feel rubbish but wouldn’t feel personal! 🤷‍♀️

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Definitely wouldn’t do this as the friend who wasn’t invited might pipe up later and ask the bride why she and you weren’t invited. The bride then inevitably says “Ratalie WAS invited” and then your friend feels deceived and a bit silly.

Bubblybits · 21/01/2025 21:59

I do completely agree that it’s weird and pretty shit to a) not invite someone who’s coming to the hen do and b) invite all but one person.

LadyTangerine · 21/01/2025 22:07

Totally awful to exclude one long term friend while inviting plus ones.

I'd decline.

MrsSunshine2b · 21/01/2025 22:09

I really find it hard to believe she couldn't have stretched the space to ONE more person. The general advice is to over-invite by a few anyway as you will never get 100% attendance. And that there wasn't a single other person, a great aunt or a second cousin, who could have been bumped without them hearing about the invites going out.

What would she have done if you had a partner? That would have been one extra person, would she have not invited either of you or would someone else have got the boot? I doubt it.

She's singled out this girl and not been transparent about the reason.

For that reason, I wouldn't go.

whaddayawannado · 21/01/2025 22:11

You can't invite someone to the hen do, get her to pay for that, and then not invite her to the wedding. You just can't. Terrible etiquette faux-pas there, and I feel so sorry for the friend in question.

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 21/01/2025 22:12

It would be great to turn up at the wedding with your (excluded) friend as your plus one... however then excluded friend would know she'd been left out so that wouldn't be so great...

Gemmawemma9 · 21/01/2025 22:15

Not sure the right way to go about it OP, just wanted to say you seem absolutely lovely. You’re coming across as a genuinely kind and caring friend, and I bet excluded friend really appreciates you 💐

Livelovebehappy · 21/01/2025 22:18

Coriol · 21/01/2025 20:29

Just offer her your plus one, if you’re sure it’s not an intentional lack of invitation because she made a play for the groom of something?

An ‘assumption’ I see a lot on here is that attending the hen is a sort of ‘tax’ you pay in order to attend the wedding. I find that quite odd.

But would you go as a plus one if you knew you were the only one left out of the invites? I think I’d rather be dignified and just not attend than be a charity case, going as a plus one.

ChewbaccasMrs · 21/01/2025 22:23

If it genuinely is a space issue surely if you rsvp that your not attending then they'll give her your space and when she goes you'd be the only one amongst the group to miss out.

It's a lovely suggestion of yours OP but I'd just keep in mind the above.

Original poster
RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 22:48

whaddayawannado · 21/01/2025 22:11

You can't invite someone to the hen do, get her to pay for that, and then not invite her to the wedding. You just can't. Terrible etiquette faux-pas there, and I feel so sorry for the friend in question.

I think this is how I see it and the others are just sort of saying “yes it’s terrible but she has the right to decide who comes to her wedding”

which of course she does but it all feels a bit sneaky and horrid now.

yes I could absolutely decline my invite and let her take it, if she still wanted to go that is. I’m not overly keen on attending now as it is although I’m sure it’s just a bit fresh today and I would be sad to miss it if I did come to it.

we’ve been through a lot in 20+ years so would be a shame to all fall out over a wedding, hopefully it resolves itself (somehow!) 🤞

OP posts:
Namerequired · 21/01/2025 22:51

How will the bride take you not going? I think she’s out of order inviting all but one, and also the hen, that’s awful. You could drop out and then she’s given your space though, how would you feel about that? I wouldn’t lie about it, I would be honest with both. Do the rest of the group know you’ve been invited?

Planesmistakenforstars · 21/01/2025 22:51

I would probably speak up in the hen group chat and suggest that since x is not invited to the wedding then whatever she has paid toward the hen do should be refunded to her. But it may not be the best approach.

Greyish2025 · 21/01/2025 22:52

RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 22:48

I think this is how I see it and the others are just sort of saying “yes it’s terrible but she has the right to decide who comes to her wedding”

which of course she does but it all feels a bit sneaky and horrid now.

yes I could absolutely decline my invite and let her take it, if she still wanted to go that is. I’m not overly keen on attending now as it is although I’m sure it’s just a bit fresh today and I would be sad to miss it if I did come to it.

we’ve been through a lot in 20+ years so would be a shame to all fall out over a wedding, hopefully it resolves itself (somehow!) 🤞

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Aside from the whole invite debacle, do you really want to go or would you prefer not?

Even if you don’t go I doubt the other woman would want to go after getting a late invite as she knows every one else got one already

Roryno · 21/01/2025 22:53

ChewbaccasMrs · 21/01/2025 22:23

If it genuinely is a space issue surely if you rsvp that your not attending then they'll give her your space and when she goes you'd be the only one amongst the group to miss out.

It's a lovely suggestion of yours OP but I'd just keep in mind the above.

She might not want to go after being treated like crap by the bride.

What do the others in the group think? Is anyone else surprised/disgusted with the bride’s behaviour? What was she thinking- expecting the uninvited friend to pay to attend a hen night fussing over a wedding that she’s not even going to! Some people get so wrapped up in their weddings their brains seem to melt.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 21/01/2025 22:58

YABU. You are making a drama. No need to boycott the wedding. If you are good friends and she has invited you and you want to go, go. The girl who wasn't invited isn't as close to her (physically or emotionally). You declining the invitation makes it about you and your feelings. You don't need to be offended on someone else's behalf.

That said, inviting someone to the hen that you don't want at the wedding is a bit shitty.

ScribblingPixie · 21/01/2025 22:59

Rather than backing out, is it not possible for you to ask the bride to reconsider - she may not have thought through that it's hurtful to single one girl out, and also unfair as she's already paid for the hen? Are you not close enough to her to do that?

Original poster
RatalieTatalie · 21/01/2025 23:01

Roryno · 21/01/2025 22:53

She might not want to go after being treated like crap by the bride.

What do the others in the group think? Is anyone else surprised/disgusted with the bride’s behaviour? What was she thinking- expecting the uninvited friend to pay to attend a hen night fussing over a wedding that she’s not even going to! Some people get so wrapped up in their weddings their brains seem to melt.

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The others all think it’s outrageous. One of the bridesmaids has defended the choice to me, saying it’s not up to us what she does. Which is true. But I feel like it is up to me how I respond.

It’s definitely changed my opinion of the bride. I can be quite rash and at the moment I feel like maybe this isn’t someone I want to celebrate when she has such wildly different views on friendship and what’s important to me. But I’m glad I’ll have time to calm down before I need to make a decision on anything because it would be such a shame to lose 20+ years of friendship and memories.

OP posts:
ChonkyRabbit · 21/01/2025 23:05

I would decline the invite and not hide why. Then I would invite the uninvited friend out for the day of the wedding.

TheBluntTurtle · 21/01/2025 23:05

I agree with pps that the best thing to do would have been to not invited partners so you can invited the whole friend group, especially if everyone has been invited on the hen.
It is going to be so awks in your chat in the days leading up to and after the wedding, especially when all the photos get put in. I would be really hurt if I was the friend left out