Wedding Invite Assumptions

[RatalieTatalie]

theres a largeish group of us who are all friends from school, all in regular WhatsApp contact, meet up throughout the year etc. Within the group some are closer than others due to living closer etc, but no rifts or drama.

we all get hen invites a few months ago, everyone agreed and paid. Now wedding invites have come out and all but one girl have them!

I now feel really conflicted about going to the wedding as I can’t understand why you wouldn’t invite all of us (there are plus ones going, so if I was organising it I’d have picked the friend over partners as it’s apparently a space issue). Especially after inviting someone to your hen do which you know will
cost them time and money to come and celebrate with you.

Totally understand that someone’s wedding guest list is their own and wouldn’t dream of trying to interfere. And that no one is entitled to a space. I just couldn’t picture myself so obviously excluding someone, who has now had to find out via everyone else slowly piping up about receiving invites on the group chat.

Would it be unreasonable for me to decline the invite (without saying why obviously) and let the other girl believe I wasn’t invited either so she doesn’t feel alone?

Well, if it's in a church, I guess anyone can turn up if they want to.

Drinks only invites should be made illegal.

I think “accept it but don’t respect it” perfectly sums up how I feel. I understand it’s not my place to tell her what to do and that people won’t all behave how I think they should and wouldn’t call her out on it for that reason, but I don’t have respect for her choice or the thoughtlessness behind it.

Then that is a perfectly reasonable reason to decline OP. You don’t have respect for the bride’s judgement. That’s your personal view which you would be best served to keep to yourself so as not to start off unnecessary drama.

But don’t lie and pretend you didn’t get an invite to make the left-out girl feel less alone. That would be disrespecting the process which you say, quite rightly, that you do accept. And could easily backfire if the left-out girl takes offence at your pity for her or if she is invited at a later date. The sentiment is kind from you, but it’s still not the right thing to do IMO. It involves a lie.

If i was the bride I'd have given both you and her single invites providing your both single?? Even if she's not, I'd have explained why there was no plus 1 before I sent the invite. It's pretty damn rude tbh and I'm not sure I could overcome this if it were my friendship.

Edited as actually not sure if you have a plus 1 on your invite??

I’m single now, she isn’t.

I don’t have a plus one. The people with plus ones in our group have actual partners, some very long term and some who we’ve all only met once or twice. I guess my thought was that you’d invite all the friends and then partners if there was space, that was all I suppose but maybe she thought that was bad etiquette too.

Oh absolutely, I just don’t think I would do that.

The church is no cost per head so if someone wanted you there they’d ask I’d have thought

I don’t think that would really work as what if you didn’t have space for all partners then, would you invite some and not others or none

Yeah it’s tricky isn’t it. I think what I’d do in that scenario is invite no partners, then if someone doesn’t rsvp (as we’re only talking one person over the limit) then all partners could be invited.

But I agree it’s not as simple as I’m probably trying to make it sound. I was just trying to think of a way where leaving one person out was the only choice and I can’t find it 😔

Well, everyone who was invited to the church was going to be attending the Wedding Breakfast. If anyone else fancied coming along, that was entirely up to them - and a surprising number of them did. I guess I should be flattered!

This happened with a wedding in our friendship group - seemed like one couple out of five hadn’t been invited but the invite had been lost in the post.

I think this is absolutely terrible and in your shoes OP it would colour my view of the bride.

We had a group of 8 friends and one of them organised a party and left one out. I genuinely thought it was an accident and did a reply all saying did you forget X and the organiser then cc'd her in saying whoops but many drinks into the party I heard it wasn't an accident and organiser was annoyed with me for highlighting it. I was baffled as I had only replied to the people she had invited. I also thought it was so mean and wouldn't have gone under the circumstances.

I'm not saying you should do that OP just saying I would feel upset too.

I don't think you should tell any untruths though about also not receiving an invitation. Your friend will be extra upset if she finds out the truth. I can't imagine she will want a second round invitation.

I think your intentions are very kind though so I'd simply reach out saying "hey are you ok? and if she wants to talk be very clear that you were surprised and worried she would be hurt as you would be too. Then move the conversation away but ask her if she wants to get together and do something nice. You can't do anything about the bride but you can make sure the left out friend doesn't mistakenly feel the group have moved on without her.

Would it be unreasonable for me to decline the invite (without saying why obviously) and let the other girl believe I wasn’t invited either so she doesn’t feel alone?

Whilst it’s a nice gesture, if it got back to this girl that you did indeed have an invite and chose not to go, then it could be all for nothing anyway.

It could also make her feel worse that someone else missed out because of her.

I think YABU to not go to the wedding.

I also think your friend is being unreasonable by inviting someone to their hen that isn’t coming to the wedding.

i know you don’t have a plus one but could you talk to one of your friends that does & both ask the bride to consider inviting the one left out person instead of that other friend’s plus one? The bride probably hasn’t considered how much they are going to hurt the person that is excluded.

I would not attend the wedding of such a person.

I've heard of that a few times, awkward wondering if you've just missed the invite I guess!

This was a bit different, confirmed she was a 'reserve' as such and all invites by email via a wedding website x

I think you are right - and I think you are a very good friend. As others have suggested, would it be possible for you to offer her your plus one place - assuming that your plus 1 wouldn't mind. I too would not feel able to attend if your friend remains excluded.

Gosh - you’re lovely!

I think this is terrible! I would never purposely leave one friend out of my wedding. She of course is going to feel singled out and hurt. Unless as other people have suggested something has gone on between them.

At my friends wedding numbers were tight and so the bride didn’t invite people’s partners to the daytime so she could have all of us there- and some of us had been married for a few years at this point. I can’t imagine the bride has done this without thought as generally people put a lot of thought into their weddings! So I would presume quite simply she isn’t bothered about her being there, and therefore I wouldn’t be surprised if that friendship dwindles anyway. I would imagine it will after this anyway! As you invite the people you want to your wedding. So if you are inviting someone’s partner over your friend then to me that says a lot about that friendship. But I guess if that’s how the bride feels then I can understand her not inviting her to her big day. Just horrible for her and likely will change the group dynamic

You’re a kind thoughtful friend

So if someone says no she is invited @RatalieTatalie

High school truly never ends. Your friend is bitchy and cruel; this would truly colour my opinion of her. The woman who is being left out is conveniently good enough to invite when it comes to helping cover the cost of the hen but not good enough to be invited to the wedding day.

A firm word with the bride from more than one in the group is needed in my opinion. She is cherrypicking who comes to which event to exert her control over the group. If this isn't nipped in the bud now, it could be any one of you next.

How on earth does she think this woman will feel seeing the inevitable social media wedding posts of you all having a fabulous time? She knows and is probably enjoying the feeling of control.

Why dont you all agree and suggest to the bride that you all come without partners and that the other friend comes, and she has some free spaces she can give to others.

i would suggest that to the group. Defo

This. Even if there’s been issues 🤣🤣🤣

Bride is a dick. If she didn't want to invite the friend to the wedding, she shouldn't have been on the hen.

I think the payment was for the hen do.