Should I be helping out parent financially?

[Virginrivers]

I’m an only child who was raised by my DM as a single parent. She’s now in her 60s, single, and still works full time in a relatively low-paid job. She’s always been independent and has never asked me for money. She manages to get by after covering her bills and rent, but when unexpected expenses crop up like car repairs or private dental fees (thanks to no NHS dentists!) she often puts off the work entirely due to the costs, or has to get in to debt in order to fund it.

I’m fortunate enough to now have a successful career, earning a low six-figure income, and I live comfortably with my DH who earns a similar amount. I’ve always been v generous with gifts for her on birthdays and at Christmas, but I’ve never offered help with more day-to-day or unexpected costs like the ones mentioned above. I do have costs of my own to pay for (DH and I about to buy a house in London and currently TTC) but technically we do have the funds to help out much more than I do.

AIBU for not doing more to help financially? Would really appreciate your views.

Blimey. My sister and I send our parent £500 a month each. It doesn't affect our lifestyle but massively uplifts theirs.

So nice to read that so many are helping their parents or would do so if needed.
I do believe money should flow upwards as well as downwards.

You should be. Keep it simple - set up a DD of a few hundred a month and insist on it.

Even with your costs of living, you earn a lot of money and by the sounds of it your mum sacrificed more than she had to in order to give you the best she could.

How you have gotten this far without helping her is shameful.

I have a dental plan but it’s a pain in the arse as I have to submit receipts and there’s a deadline.

OP is stating out in life with her family. She will have babies to save for, including huge nursery fees.

It’s not fair to call her tight.

Her mum could have planned better for her old age.

@Choccyscofffy
"Her mum could have planned better for her old age."

Yes by not sacrificing for her child when she was young. Putting her is cheep poor quality childcare or paling her off on unqualified friends while she went to work and built a career. Used all the spare money to retrain rather than find extra curricular activities for her child or pay for experiences like holidays or trips that are educational. Not paid for the school trips so the kid sits at school not gaining that experience while the others get to go. Etc etc. Then not funding or contributing towards her child's travel expenses for college or 6th form. Telling the now teen child to get a job to buy her clothes and social life and loose out of time studying therefore not getting grades as good as teens who's parents did support them. Charging board at 16 or just kicking child out. Not supporting that child through university. Renting the childs room out as soon as they are gone so child can't come home after uni or in holidays. Then of course she would be in a much better position in her old age. She could have built a career that pays better. Bought a house. Even risked an evil step father situation and married for a comfortable life regardless of the effect on the OP.

But she didn't plan for HER future she planned for her child's future so that her child wouldn't struggle as she has. Are you saying she should not have done this? That giving your children the best life possible while still self supporting the family completely alone is somehow wrong? Better to disadvantage the childs future to be sure she didn't have to struggle in her old age?

I don’t believe parents should sacrifice everything for their children.

Plenty of things yes but not everything.

I didn’t have most of those things you listed above but I did well and I have a great relationship with my mother.

Yes in this situation I would help if so could afford to. Sounds like your mum works hard and doesn’t spend unwisely so why wouldn’t you help if you can?

Absolutely that. I'd find it incredibly difficult to accept money from my children. But if they they approached it as them needing me to have something, it'd be a lot easier.

Mum, I need you to have a mobile phone/WiFi/gadget so that I can keep in touch with you more easily.
Mum, it would be helpful for us if you have a car.../whatever.

So I chatted to Dsib about this thread and turns out they paid for some house repairs for dad, didn’t even tell me! We’re now plotting to take over the energy bills between us.
Dad is okay but living off about £1k a month we reckon. A fraction of our household incomes.

I would help her out if I could, sounds like she is living hand to mouth

Could you send her a Tesco (or other) gift card every month, I think she would appreciate this more than a dental plan

Her mum could have planned better for her old age.

She was probably unable to plan properly for her old age because she was too busy planning for her daughters future!

If I had a decent DM and she needed it I would help in a heartbeat. I had the best DF and if he were here and needed help I would do it.

Wow yes of course yabu. Your poor Mum! You could help her significantly without it even affecting you much at all!

@Choccyscofffy I didn't accuse OP of being right, I wrote it as a generalisation that plenty of well off people are tight , particularly many older ones and I'm 63- I have an 88 year old relative who isa borderline millionaire with no children who still rents a council flat and has never given anyone so much as the snot off the end of his nose- including his elderly siblings several of whom struggled a fair bit at various points - you only have to read the elderly parents forum here to see numerous examples of this type of thing

I would. It sounds as if you could afford to make her life signficantly better, without much cost to you.

In fact, we used to give money regularly to my FIL who was living on a small pension which only gave just enough to get by. We gave him enough so that he could afford an occasional simple meal out or an inexpensive holiday. We also paid for necessary detail work and for fixing his car.

It did cause some very minor friction. He was very bad with money. And my DH was not good at communicating how much we would give him. So he always ran through it rather quickly.

I definitely would help.

You could do it along the lines of yiu gsvr Mr a good start. I want to help . What will happen when she retires?