Should I be helping out parent financially?

[Virginrivers]

I’m an only child who was raised by my DM as a single parent. She’s now in her 60s, single, and still works full time in a relatively low-paid job. She’s always been independent and has never asked me for money. She manages to get by after covering her bills and rent, but when unexpected expenses crop up like car repairs or private dental fees (thanks to no NHS dentists!) she often puts off the work entirely due to the costs, or has to get in to debt in order to fund it.

I’m fortunate enough to now have a successful career, earning a low six-figure income, and I live comfortably with my DH who earns a similar amount. I’ve always been v generous with gifts for her on birthdays and at Christmas, but I’ve never offered help with more day-to-day or unexpected costs like the ones mentioned above. I do have costs of my own to pay for (DH and I about to buy a house in London and currently TTC) but technically we do have the funds to help out much more than I do.

AIBU for not doing more to help financially? Would really appreciate your views.

Goodness. Let's hope you don't find yourself hard up in retirement with your DC thinking like you are now.

Edited: I was obviously meaning to quote the PP!

If I was you, I’d set up a monthly payment of a few hundred pounds to her account. If your mum is anything like mine, she’ll say no. Even though she needs it.
I’ve gone ahead and set up regular payments to my parents anyway (despite them saying no). I cannot fathom living more comfortably than my parents who have sacrificed so much for me.

Set up a dental plan for her and give her money monthly. Your mum sounds lovely and I feel sad living costs are so high and unfair on so many of us.

Just help her! You don't need to ask randoms or even her. Just say 'Mum I'm paying for x, no arguments'.
Curious, why haven't you? You know she's struggling and it's affecting her health (dentist).
You must have been really close at one point and you've seemingly done well for yourself so I don't understand why you've sat back and watched her struggle.
Is there a huge backstory?

@Tortielady gifts of money to family members does not effect universal credits , my husband sends money to his mum and she claims it.

100% I would offer, and I do help my parents and siblings out.

I double checked this and you're probably right, but if giving regular amounts, it's probably better to vary the amount, because the DWP might look at it and think it's a payment for services. But that's not about the law, it's about what individuals in the DWP might regard as suspicious.

We don't earn your half your salaries (plus have two teens) but I pay for my mum's mobile (it's a fiver a month with ID mobile) pay for Netflix so she has something to watch, treat her each month and then offer help if needed.

My sibling however earns similar to you and choose to do nothing.

Each to their own.

Your situation is completely different. Your mother obviously didn’t and doesn’t struggle . Ops mother is still working in a low paid job and just gets by . Still only in her 60s . Sometimes unexpected emergencies arise such as car or health issues . If you couldn’t see to help your mother is a situation like that every now and again when you have a good income, that is totally mean .

If you have private insurance, it is sometimes possible to add a family member to your policy. Might be worth looking into and then tell her it is a perk you get from your employer rather than her feeling like a charity case. Tell her your work will add a family member to the policy and as DH has his own policy through his work, you can add her to yours. She may be more willing to accept if she thinks she isn't taking money out of your pocket.

@BlueMum16 there's a reason many ( not all) well off people are well off and it often involves being downright tight - thank you for helping your mum !! I'm 63 and if needed I hope my son would help me with small things if needed at any point - although hes 26 he's not on huge money and shares with GF in London and I help him if he's short for food shops before payday and I pay hisTV licence for them

And add her to your family phone contract so you can text her, phone her. You won't miss the extra and it will be peace of mind knowing she can reach you.

She sounds like a proud woman, so I can see why she would be reluctant to accept cash. If she is shopping in charity shops why not treat her to a shopping trip one day. A few bits and some nice underwear from Marks and Spencers will be nice. I would do it with my mum and say I had won some vouchers in a works raffle.

Does she want internet? Or would it give her something in her life that might be good for her/fun? If so, I'd be paying that monthly and could you do an 'unexpected' shopping gift card every low and then for M&S or next etc? Or a Tesco food delivery. If she doesn't want regular help I do think it would be nice. Give you're both on a very decent salary - did she support you getting there? Either way, she's your mum and the fact you're asking means you care for her which is lovely.

I would help and make her life more comfortable. I actually for it for my Dad (my salary at the time was alot smaller than yours ) , we lost him before he got to 70 and it’s a comfort to know I did what I could for him

I think it's brilliant you are able to offer help. She probably won't want to take it but you should insist.

But I think as a single mum struggling to give my kids a good childhood what I would most value when they are successful adults is them to tell me they know what I did for them. Make sure you tell her why you want to help. It's not just familial obligation, children shouldn't generally be expected to financially support their parents, you want to recognise the impact being a single parent had on her life long finances

My Mum is dead now but I wouldn't have let my Mum go without if I could have afforded to help her out. I wouldn't want her to have to shop in charity shops for clothing whilst I could afford nice clothes. I certainly wouldn't let her have toothache pain. I expect she went without things for you OP, when you were a child as a lot of parents do. You wouldn't even need to go without, to help your Mum a little bit.

With an eye to your future retirement what about buying a property near where Mum lives now, she can live in it rent-free then when she passes or is moved into nursing home it can be let for extra income?
That way your capital investment is intact (and probably gaining equity), your Mum isn't paying rent and the home is maintained properly

Unfortunately DH and I aren’t even on the property ladder ourselves yet. We live in London where it’s extremely expensive to buy, so our priority is to buy our own property this year. I’ll be helping in other ways such as dental plan etc as suggested here.

If she has worked for the NHS fir a long time and pays into the pension scheme, she may be able to draw some/all pension now. Very good Facebook group on nhs pensions. Worth a look perhaps.

Of course you should help your mother!!

You say you’re very generous with birthdays and Christmas, which is lovely of you. So I would maybe use less money on those gifts and instead put that money towards such issues? Personally if my car had an issue/I needed dental work, I would much rather that be sorted and instead not receive a very generous present for my birthday. Hope that makes sense.

Strange that you even have to ask. Of course you should offer to help.

Just want to say you're not a bad person for not having done this earlier. Money is a tricky topic & more so within families! Also a huge well done to you for the success you've achieved.

Maybe you could throw in a useful voucher with each birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day present. For example £200 Amazon/M&S vouchers or something 3x per year that she can choose to use to ease day to day spends or treat herself, alongside a thoughtful/fun gift might be a nice touch?

Also, if you have Netflix, phone plans etc, maybe offer to add her to yours to save the expense?

A bigger thing maybe is if you own a nicer/ more reliable car, next time you upgrade (or you could replace especially), you could offer her yours & this is less outright than buying her a new car.

Equally, if you have the kind of relationship where you can just sit her down and explain and say you've been fortunate & successful and the thing that would make you happiest to spend your money on is her & can you offer her X, then go ahead! You just don't want to create a weird dynamic where she feels indebted to you/ reliant on you. You want to preserve her dignity as a hardworking super mum !!

I’d help my mum or adult kids in this scenario.

It depends on the relationship you have with your mother and the childhood you had provided for you.
Full stop.

I would give her a ‘voucher’ for dental treatment for her birthday or car for Christmas.

You say you are v generous with presents, but as a 60-something myself, there are few generous present type things that I need unless they replace my spending on things that stretch my budget.

Cashmere scarf: lovely! But I’d rather have a dentist appointment paid for!

As gifts it doesn’t set a precedent, it is understandable that you can’t take in a regular long term responsibility because of your own future planed, whether hoped gif or unexpected.

As a gift it is probably easier for her to accept, too.