Should I be helping out parent financially?

[Virginrivers]

I’m an only child who was raised by my DM as a single parent. She’s now in her 60s, single, and still works full time in a relatively low-paid job. She’s always been independent and has never asked me for money. She manages to get by after covering her bills and rent, but when unexpected expenses crop up like car repairs or private dental fees (thanks to no NHS dentists!) she often puts off the work entirely due to the costs, or has to get in to debt in order to fund it.

I’m fortunate enough to now have a successful career, earning a low six-figure income, and I live comfortably with my DH who earns a similar amount. I’ve always been v generous with gifts for her on birthdays and at Christmas, but I’ve never offered help with more day-to-day or unexpected costs like the ones mentioned above. I do have costs of my own to pay for (DH and I about to buy a house in London and currently TTC) but technically we do have the funds to help out much more than I do.

AIBU for not doing more to help financially? Would really appreciate your views.

Assuming your Mum isn't in receipt of means tested benefits, I'd consider setting up a standing order for money to go into the bank every month. Does your Mum have any health problems? If so, PIP (Personal Independence Payments) may be claimable even though she's working. Also Limited Capability for Work (an element within Universal Credit) but she'd need to get PIP first.

My in-house benefits expert tells me that re dental plans and other payments to third parties (eg if you wanted to cover internet costs) wouldn't count for UC purposes.

As far as encouraging your Mum to accept help from you, frame it in terms of you worrying less about her if she can reach you online, or if she has her teeth sorted out. A lot of people don't realise how important dental health is or how much infections etc can impact on their general health. My Dad was younger than your Mum is now when he was diagnosed with a heart condition and told to see a dentist as soon as possible, given the state of his teeth! Apparently, infections can travel from the mouth to the heart very easily, but good dental care can put a stop to complications like that. As you indicate in your OP, NHS dentists are few and far between and offering to cover private fees would be a big boost to your Mum's future wellbeing. All the best to her and to you.

This 100%

I wouldn't - I think money should flow downhill not uphill in families. I would be mortified if I ever needed to accept anything from my children.

I am in a fairly similar situation to you but I don't feel obliged to give my mum any money. Mind you, she retired at 65 years old in perfect health and has now been retired for nearly 20 years and is still in perfect health - I think if she wanted a better standard of living she could have kept working for many more years, but she simply didn't want to. I work like a dog in a job I hate and I'm sure I will work well beyond 65 years old, and I have children to provide for (including one with special needs). So why should I support her financially?

Even though we have a six figure income we would very much notice a few hundred pounds a month less (which is what a pp suggested you should give to your mother). Raising children these days is extremely expensive, as is housing - I think our generation has it much harder than our parents' generation in terms of affording a decent standard of living. Seems entirely the wrong way round for us to be supporting our parents.

If it was my mum, i would help her out

I never understand these kind of posts. People ask as if they are talking about a n aunt or a cousin. It’s your mum!! If she was a reasonably good mum, you must help as much as you can. It’s the least you can do !!

if she was not a good mom, your choice! You are under no obligation to do anything!

how old are you, OP?

@Virginrivers I agree with pp, paying a monthly dental plan has two benefits it spreads the cost for you and your Mum doesn’t have to keep asking. It maybe you pay for an initial course of treatment to get her teeth up to scratch then regular checkups.

The other two things you could pay monthly are mobile phone basic contract and if possible a car service/MOT on a monthly plan. It doesn’t include repairs but the known costs are spread.

On a practical note, As your Mum is in her 60s would she allow you to help her review her pension provision? Check both state pension and works pension. As she is NHS she may be impacted by McCloud which can be complicated to understand. A key thing is different schemes have different retirement ages. https://www.nhsbsa.nhs.uk/nhs-pensions

Remember your Mum will have less deductions from her pension because at present there is no NI or pension to pay, a gross to net calculator can give you a good idea of income. Then draw up a realistic budget for spending when retired include everything such as presents and annual one offs like insurance.

One doesn't just step into a six figure career, you know. She's probably been studying etc

I would probably lie and say I could add her to my 'work' dental plan. Say you can have a family plan and it's not much more or something. Then she can't say no.

I would do absolutely anything to help my mum out. She sadly passed away twenty years ago. If I had disposable income I would have given it to her. I know she would have done the same for me. I would probably just give her a random financial gift to be spent on whatever she wants...no obligation or constraints

I can't believe you haven't already offered to help unless she was a bad mum to you? You earn 6 figures and so does your partner and you have no kids and letting your mum suffer

It’s not too late! Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I would in your situation.

I think you are incredibly mean to be honest. Quite thoughtless and horrid.

I think the suggestions of buying a house or paying the rent are OTT! OP's income does not go far in London, especially for someone TTC and looking to buy a house.

I would absolutely help her as much as possible.

We were always better off financially than my parents or DHs. When my parents retired they were very short of money for big unexpected expenses. They decided to raise money by equity release. Their house wasn't worth much and it was a terrible deal. Fortunately they confided in DH and he promised to help out if needed instead.

@RoseChinaMug get a grip! No need for that comment, you're being unnecessarily mean.

OP I think it's great that you're thinking of it now, I'm sure DM will be grateful for any help you can offer.

You sound lovely.

Yes you are being unreasonable. The fact that you even have to ask. SMH Are people just less empathetic or emotionally intelligent or what?

This is lovely. Life was very tough for single mums in days gone by and many of us do not have private pensions or paid for homes.

There's a difference though, between them having a better life and her Mum not being able to afford dental care.

Of course you should OP - I am actually hoping this is a reverse because I can't think for the life of me if you've got say £130 k coming in between you why you haven't just offered to help a bit before

Yes I would - why would you not

If I had a 6 figure income and my mum needed help, you can be damn sure I'd help. But me and my mum are very close!

I would. I paid my mum's winter fuel allowance and used to pay to top up my nans care home. I don't earn much and am not a homeowner but it's the right thing to do.

This.

Surely this is what you do for family if you can.