Should I be helping out parent financially?

[Virginrivers]

I’m an only child who was raised by my DM as a single parent. She’s now in her 60s, single, and still works full time in a relatively low-paid job. She’s always been independent and has never asked me for money. She manages to get by after covering her bills and rent, but when unexpected expenses crop up like car repairs or private dental fees (thanks to no NHS dentists!) she often puts off the work entirely due to the costs, or has to get in to debt in order to fund it.

I’m fortunate enough to now have a successful career, earning a low six-figure income, and I live comfortably with my DH who earns a similar amount. I’ve always been v generous with gifts for her on birthdays and at Christmas, but I’ve never offered help with more day-to-day or unexpected costs like the ones mentioned above. I do have costs of my own to pay for (DH and I about to buy a house in London and currently TTC) but technically we do have the funds to help out much more than I do.

AIBU for not doing more to help financially? Would really appreciate your views.

The OP mentioned rent.

My brother and I grew up with a single mum in the 80s and lower earnings then seriously affected her pension. We've been paying her housing costs for about 10 years now and earn nowhere like you do. Of course you should offer help - and not take no for an answer.

You should not have to ask this on an internet forum. The answer is obvious, unless there is a backstory you're not telling us.

If you were in need of some financial help and your mother had a six figure salary I'm sure you would be happy for her to help, and so would she. Most people would if they have any kind of goodness in them and the situation is genuine.

Sort it out OP. She is your mother, you are her only child, she enabled you to achieve what you are today.

Yes, in your position I'd be offering some financial support I think.

As you earn a decent income and have a good relationship with your mum, I would definitely offer to help her. Potentially with a dental plan and by sending money each month to make her life easier.

For sure you should if you can afford to. Just give her money as gifts for birthday and Xmas on top of some physical gifts.
Is it that you think she'd refuse it out of pride?
It sounds like she's not asking for anything. But you could easily just say ' I'll pay for you to have a dental insurance plan'.
It's the other way round but my mum pretty much saved my self esteem and dental health by agreeing to pay for my private dentist. I'm forever grateful and I'm sure your mum would be delighted similarly.
You sound so kind and caring which is great. X

My mother was horrible, if your mum was a good mum who prioritised you all your life I think that you should be thinking about how to help her now. It can’t have been easy for her. Take over some of her bills, get her a dental health plan etc.

Yes a normal and kind person would help a parent in a less financially secure position. You wouldn't be here without her.

In her position I'd send her an online shop of decent food each month, send her some clothes once every 6 months say from somewhere she'd like even if it's just Next (just something that's slightly an upgrade from supermarket clothes), I'd also say to her on X date the Sky man is coming round to fit your WiFi- I've got it covered mum. Then I'd definitely set up and pay her dental plan and say hey mum I've booked you an appointment on X date for that dental work you needed doing. I'd do this for my mum because she'd have to be told 'it's already sorted - no arguments' in this way or she'd say 'no dear I couldn't possibly....' etc etc for infinity. Help her out! Buying a house in London 🙄 come on mate your poor mum.

Is this a reverse ?

Agreed. I'm wondering now if this is a reverse 🤔

I am surprised that it has never occurred to you to help her if what you describe is true. Do you have a bad relationship with her now or is it because you hold resentment towards her?

My parents have very little money and I will sometimes just put money (a few hundred pounds) in their bank account so I would say yes, help out if you can.
Don’t make it seem like charity though. Or you could book her a few days away in a nice b and b - I do that with mine. Holidays aren’t easy with no money. She will definitely appreciate it.

I would definitely help. What about using Christmas/ birthdays as ways to fund it by paying her dental care monthly or by giving her Tesco vouchers instead of buying her something she doesn't need

Does your DM live in an area with cheap housing? As one approach could be to buy her somewhere to live as an investment for you and she wouldn't have to pay rent anymore.

My mum recently had to reduce her hours due to pain in her leg (she has a job where she is on her feet for long periods of time). Without question I told her to use the money in my savings account for anything she needs without asking. She only ever takes a little bit towards the end of the month so clearly it's much needed. Sometimes she replaces what she took on her pay day, sometimes she doesn't.

Absolutely you should do this . And you will feel such contentment knowing she will be taken care of in a meaningful way.

Fucking hell. I couldn't imagine watching my mother go without things she needs, or getting into debt to pay for repairs etc whilst sat comfortably off.

Why on earth wouldn't you want to help her? She must be gutted.

My mother has never had much. I'm comfortable, though our household income is about half yours, and I've helped her out for years. She helped me plenty and sacrificed a tonne when I was younger. But that aside, I love her and would hate for her to struggle unnecessarily. Do you not feel the same???

Without question. I recently bought mum a car so she’s got more independence and wouldn’t hesitate to pay for dental plan etc for her. She is your mum. I (kindly) can’t believe you even have to ask this question and haven’t stepped in sooner.

I'm not sure. I have adult children. I would always much rather they spent their hard earned money on themselves and future DGC. I was raised this way too, from a low income background. Nothing would make me happier than my DC having more than me. They didn't ask me to make my choices or sacrifices. I don't think I could even ask. But I think I'm in the minority here, so something for me to reflect on.

I would help, I couldn't see a good parent struggling to pay for dental work etc.

I’m in a veryyyy similar boat….i love my mum!!!

i don’t give her money pm or anything but I am much more proactive in my help these days….

some examples

i “did her teeth” for her 70th she kept talking about it for years but nothing happened. So I just booked an app and sent her to my dentist and said get whatever you need done up to 10k … it ended up being 15k but her teeth look 😍 and it’s really improved her confidence

similarly the nhs gp was fobbing her off on a medical issue I paid for a private specialist app (£250) they ruled out the most likely issue so she’s now been able to go back and get referral to correct specialist via nhs

I also do stuff like book her an app with the foot dr every 6 months or so as a thank you for <insert random thing> as she has bunions

we paid for her to come on holiday with us as a “thank you”

I’d pay to fix her car, pay for flights to see siblings, anything health related…

I tried to get her DL gym membership but she wasn’t having it 🤣

I’m in the same position, only child, single mum in a low paid, low hours job. She’s looked after my children while I worked. I will be doing everything to make sure she won’t be struggling in her retirement/older age. She would never, ever ask for anything but we’re very close so I’ll be able to see if there’s anything she needs to be able to sort it. It wouldn’t occur to me to think otherwise to be honest.

I think I would pay for practical things like car insurance/repairs and the dental plan suggested above. Take her shopping for new shoes/clothes etc as your treat. That should free up some of her money to spend as she wishes and be less awkward for her to accept than a cash lump. Does she have a retirement plan as rent would be hard to find on pension, or is she in council/subsidised housing?

Of course you should. Your poor mum.