Should I be helping out parent financially?

[Virginrivers]

I’m an only child who was raised by my DM as a single parent. She’s now in her 60s, single, and still works full time in a relatively low-paid job. She’s always been independent and has never asked me for money. She manages to get by after covering her bills and rent, but when unexpected expenses crop up like car repairs or private dental fees (thanks to no NHS dentists!) she often puts off the work entirely due to the costs, or has to get in to debt in order to fund it.

I’m fortunate enough to now have a successful career, earning a low six-figure income, and I live comfortably with my DH who earns a similar amount. I’ve always been v generous with gifts for her on birthdays and at Christmas, but I’ve never offered help with more day-to-day or unexpected costs like the ones mentioned above. I do have costs of my own to pay for (DH and I about to buy a house in London and currently TTC) but technically we do have the funds to help out much more than I do.

AIBU for not doing more to help financially? Would really appreciate your views.

I expect if shes anything like my mum, shes rubbish at accepting clothes and shoes, but I would say "Well I need you to have internet so I can contact you, and I need you to have a working car and dental". Start by paying for that.

Could you pay her rent for a year? That would be the best thing I guess then she would be in front every month and she could manage then to create a small savings pot. That wouldnt feel like charity for her if she is managing it maybe? You sound like you care a lot but don't want to mess up anything Go on do a good thing and then don't mention it again x

Is this a reverse? If not then I have no idea why you haven't helped out your mum already.

I'm normally of the opinion that children don't owe parents anything and I certainly am not paying for anything at all for my selfish, abusive dad even though I have a lot more than him. However, my mum would be another matter. As it stands she is quite comfortable and has actually given me a big chunk of money. But if it were different I would be doing what I could to help her because I love her and she's a good mum to me.

I think paying for dental insurance as PP have suggested is a great idea as a minimum and as a maximum, buying a house for her to live in would really free her up, but I don't know how much you might have available. There's a whole load in between too.

Thanks everyone. It’s given me a wake up call. Some great suggestions here as to ways I can help, which I’ll take on board.

Unpleasant and unnecessary.

It sounds as though she’s really struggling and has quite a poor standard of living. I’d definitely help her out. If you feel uncomfortable offering money, or she wouldn’t accept, there are other ways. Getting her car fixed, shopping vouchers each month, etc.

Help your mother.

Thank you for your kindness in considering your dear mother. I think you have your answers here.

I would set up a regular transfer so she has some extra cash.

I have done so for decades. Holidays paid in full, a monthly allowance for fun spending, any new appliances, etc. Surely, if we have enough money for our own needs and fun money, we help our families unasked?

If my mother was struggling for something basic like dentist or car 100% would help her. I think it's quite bad that you don't offer especially with that income. It comes across quite selfish sorry. I bet you are not but this post does even with your additional comments

I would help. I do help my dad. He never asks but I have started to cover certain things, MOT on car, flights to visit, when I visit I’ll pick up things he might need, I arranged for a fence to get fixed… I often tell him it’s a lot less than it was… sometimes we go halves.
My parents did everything for me, we did t have much money but my needs always came 1st so now I do what I can.

If I thought dad needed day to day money, Inwiuld start sending a monthly sum too.

Me and my sibling give our lovely aunt £100 each per month. She’s had an unlucky life but is such a generous person and we love her, so if it means she’ll put the heating on for longer or treat herself to a nice lunch or a haircut, it makes us happier too.

So yes OP, in your shoes I’d help your mum out a bit.

I pay my dad’s internet and tv package - the old one was running out so I switched for him and took over the payments. Told a white lie - that I bundled it in with ours for hardly any money! I suspect that he suspects because he has Sky Sports etc but I get to feel good, he gets decent internet and to watch his beloved football team so all is well…

Why wouldn't you if you think you should? I was a single parent on a low salary and I helped my mum out to keep her from being prosecuted for not paying bills (she was really bad with money). I know your mum isn't in the same boat but I bet she'd be really grateful if you could help her a bit, especially if she's not getting dental treatment she needs.

Yeh I would. I'm 29. DM mid 50's, doesn't need the money but I give her £300 monthly. Before I had DC it was £800 monthly as a thank you for raising me ! She was also a single mum

it wouldn’t even occur to me to wonder about this. Yes you didn’t ask her to be a single mum but I would’ve helped long before now.

You were a single child raised by your single mother. Your mother works in a low paid job, struggles financially and you are comfortable on 6 figures.... As above, in a heartbeat.

you could focus on practical living things and future-proofing, for example asking if she's interested in you teaching her the basics of internet (and setting up the internet provider and a smartphone (or laptop, if it's in your budget) because that will help her stay independent for longer, as she can easier compare prices, look up medical info, order food and tickets and so on, and keep in contact with other friends and family.

The other aspect is health, which she'll probably know, being in the NHS, so if you can support her there as pp suggested, that can prevent problems later down the line. If she is very frugal, she also might not always buy the healthiest or most nutritious food, so check if she would accept help there or you bringing some extras with you when you visit. These are everday things that can make life easier than luxurious presents twice a year.

Unless there is a backstory of problems when growing up or anything else, or it's a reverse, I think with these income disparities you could substantially help her with a relatively low percentage from your money, so that she has a better quality of life now and it would not impact you much financially

My mil was in a similar position many years ago. DH and I gave her a deposit so that she could buy the flat she was renting (she was in the midlands and it was an ex council flat, so it wasn't expensive at all) , and sent her an extra £100 each month. it made a huge difference to get financial stability and meant she could relax a little rather than worrying the whole time. She still lived frugally, but it meant that she didn't need to worry about the inevitable unexpected expenses . She had never asked for anything, but we have never regretted doing it.

I have voted yabu as you asked directly. But you have clearly thought about it and want to help, so I don't think you are acting unreasonably. Yes, it might seem weird that the tables have turned and it is now her that needs the looking after. But you are in a position to do so.

I find this question bizarre, and it speaks to how different we must be culturally.

I would help without question.

I absolutely would be helping my mum, not to my financial detriment but definitely if I was able to.