Partner joining the army???

[SleeplessWonders]

Hi, this is my first post, and it’s a bit long.
I (F23) have been with my partner (M24) for a few years, and we have two young kids. I grew up in a very different family environment from his—mine was more chaotic, while his family has strong ties to the military.
Recently, he decided to join the military, which means he’ll be leaving for a lengthy training period and possibly more time away after that. From the start, I made it clear that I wouldn’t be comfortable moving around frequently because I’m close to my family, and so are the kids. He’s okay with that, but I’ve been struggling to come to terms with everything.
We’ve always had very different views on the military. I don’t feel it serves the same purpose it once did, while he believes it’s about defending the country and doing something meaningful. When he first told me about his decision, he didn’t ask for my input—it felt like the decision was already made. I’ll admit, I reacted badly and said some hurtful things about him leaving us and giving up what we’ve built.
That was a few months ago, and we’ve had the same argument repeatedly since. He feels like I don’t respect his decision, and I feel like I wasn’t considered at all.
Recently, he had a meeting with a recruiter, and while he was on the call, I started researching what life as a military spouse might be like. What I found was overwhelming and made me emotional—I felt like I’d be giving up my independence and raising our kids alone.
When I tried to share how I was feeling, he became defensive, brought up my past reactions, and accused me of not supporting him. Now, we’re not talking at all. I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells and that my feelings are being dismissed.
I know I didn’t handle everything perfectly, but I feel like I deserve some consideration too. AITA?

You should leave him. You’re still young and would be giving up your life to support him when he has had no consideration for you. You’re practically be a single parent anyway and will always resent him. You call him your partner but partners don’t act like this, they make decisions together. You deserve more.

Unless you had discussed it as a possibility when you first got together then you definitely didn't sign up for this.
I ahve no moral objections to The Military and have family members who served and I dated across all 3 branches when younger but I would never ever have married or been in a serious relationship with someone who led this life.
The only person I have known navigate it well is a friend who completely lives her own life as a single parent with a good job, support network etc and her soldier H is there when he's there and not when he's not. She has never moved for a posting or lived on base etc.
Its a HUGE lifestyle choice OP and very unfair for you

It’s like you telling him you’ll get a job where you can’t be around for months at a time so he’ll have 2 kids to look after alone. But if he says no or has his worries you tell him he’s unsupportive and disrespectful.

I bet if shoe was on other foot he’d be broken

Whilst I think you are a little strong, she will not be a single parent as the military are doing more to facilitate family life and keep staff in place for longer. You are not wrong about the decision.

Sorry, but one person can't make that sort of decision. It's not like he's changing from working for McDonald's to Burger king...being in the military is a joint commitment as he will be away a lot and over night etc, plus the risk he may have to fight

Joining the military isn't a unilateral decision he should be making after deciding to settle down with a partner and have two children. Not so say he should rule it out but it's a much longer conversation taking in all your concerns and addressing them and finding the best outcome all round. You don't have to go along with being an army wife. If he wants to live a life of duty and possibly travel there's the civil service, ministry of defence perhaps, so it's not the only option. He can't just dismiss your concerns and expect you to accept this. Not with two kids. They're his too. What about what you want?

I think he needs to at least take responsibility for asking recruitment what family support there will be and opportunities for spouses if you do go on posting, that kind of thing.

See this is what I'm wondering. I love him as do the kids but I don't want that feeling of resentment.

For years now I've wanted a career and we even made agreements while I were pregnant that I'd start to work, however he got a promotion and all of a sudden there was no time. If I'm being honest with myself there's already resentment around that and I've felt for a long time like my life's on hold while he's living free.

I'm just so torn right now but I'm so afraid to wait around and watch my life pass by while he accomplishes everything.

It doesn't help that I've tried for so long to make friends, be more social and yet I stay at home looking after the kids watching him go out with his work friends and yet I also feel that when he goes, there's no chance for me. I don't have tons of family support and it feels like everything's just going wrong.

Tell him you are also going to sign up, and what does he think you should both do with the children while you're both away? If he says you're being ridiculous, drill down into why he thinks this. Is it because he thinks your job as the woman is to care for the kids? Or that you should choose a job that fits around the children, whilst he can choose any job he likes? Basically he cannot answer this without admitting he is being selfish.

If you decide to stay with him anyway, insist on marriage first. You are completely screwed if you are not married and you give up all your future earning potential to enable him to increase his.

Partner, not husband, and you've given up work? Why do people do this?

You need to get a job asap and protect yourself.

This is unfortunately the downside of settling down when you are very young and don't really know what you want. That isn't judgement I had DD at 23 too. But it is shockingly rare to be with your teenage boy/girlfriend into 'proper' adult hood as you change as a person.

You have a decision to make.

1. Stay together, view it as an adventure and move around with him
2. Stay together, stay where you are with you family as a support network - likely feeling resentful
3. Break up, go it alone with your family support and with the children seeing him sporadically when on leave (I'd go for this option)

Honestly it was a case of someone has to look after the kids and yet it was clear it weren't going to be him. He makes decisions without me and it's so frustrating.

Two weeks before joining I caught him looking at engagement rings and now I'm just confused.

I don't want to heap bad news on top of bad but my personal experience having had a marriage to a forces man, and spending time with military families, is that this career does not lend itself well to fidelity. What happens on tour, stays on tour. You'd be amazed how well they can hide patterns, compartmentalise behaviours and rationalise actions. I mean, they're literally trained for it. Despite what PP are saying about the military doing more for families these days, believe me when I say, nothing comes before the job.

It sounds like you have always been the default parent while he gets to live like he is single, free of commitment and consequence. Still going out while you are stuck at home, building a career while you are the default parent. And the fact you aren't even married, you have zero protections.

You are young, you need to get yourself a career and a future now because he certainly isn't putting you first, you need to start putting yourself first.

I'm sorry but I think its incredibly selfish to consider entering the military with a young family. Its one thing to have a family when in the military (which I still don't agree with but you start that family fully knowing) but to opt out of family life when your partner had no clue this is what the future held, it's selfish.

Start looking after yourself because it sounds like there hasn't been a single point in your relationship where he has prioritised anyone but himself.

Gosh you really should have got the work stuff going after your first (unless they are twins). But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

You say there's not much support from your family so honestly for now it sounds like you're better off insisting on getting married and going along with the military thing until your kids are old enough for you to have more time to build a career.

You could do a degree with the OU in the meantime maybe. Do you know what you'd like to do for work?

I am a "military spouse", although not for the British army, and it can be very hard sometimes. They work long hours and are away for training a lot. Sometimes my husband will only see our baby for half an hour a day.

I would be reconsidering your relationship. It's not a decision he can just make for your family alone.

Exactly this too. I don't want to spend the next 20 years (because yes he wants to go straight for 20 years) being second to the job and especially not the kids.

And as for the infidelity, it's something I've heard an awful lot about but I've tried to leave my worries out of it as I don't want to seem like I don't trust him. It genuinely is a big fear of mine though and if I found out he did after I gave everything up I think I'd spiral.

I'd give him an ultimatum. If he joins, he joins alone. You will do nothing to facilitate his access to the kids. He will need to make his way to you wherever you are, from wherever he is. And you will be a single woman. Or he give up the idea permanently.

If he says you are stopping him from his dream etc, remind him that, NO he is stopping you from yours. He's acting like he is making a decision that affects him alone. When actually he's saying your life is over. Anything you want can fuck off.

To be honest, I think you should leave him anyway. This is how he expects things to work going forward as a family. Better to know where you stand, but if you won't, would you be happy with him joining the police, fire department etc? Might be a compromise if you're happy with those jobs.

Leave him.

Why give him the benefits of a wife and comfortable home, kids, family, when he clearly doesn't even consider you all enough to have an adult conversation.

IMO, he can't change the goalposts and he needs to be a dad first. That means checking that he has family support. What kind of man does that??

If he doesn't join he will resent you.

If he joins you resent him.

Lose lose.

I'd leave.

I don't agree with PP that this is an age thing. Men are selfish at any age. Older men worse in my experience. He couldn't have joined the army at 40 but he could have taken another job abroad or taken up one of these fucking mysterious hobbies that has him on lad's holidays weekly. But you need to prioritize yourself because he's proven that he won't.

He will always expect your life to be on hold for him, I can tell by the way you said he acts if you bring up your feelings with him joining the military

He won’t change. He wants you to look after the kids and no support no job just so he can live the life he wants

Please leave, or you will never get the life you want

Look there is a lot of positive things too so do look at the full picture. As a person with a family he can get very subsidised house (I know you are not keen on moving but it's a major perk) my dc pays only £300 a month, you get transport home if you choose not to live on base. The education opportunities are good, the perks are great (my dc has had football tickets, rugby, concerts and other trips) pay is pretty decent though my dc is an officer.

I'd also say that work life balance is taken more seriously now but basic training is the hard bit as no days off then

Thank you all so much, honestly I haven't felt this heard in a long time and I'm trying to respond as much as possible.

I've seen a lot of people telling me to build my career now while I have a shot but honestly? I don't have a clue where to start.

As a bit of background, I spent a few years of my younger life in an incredibly abusive relationship and because of this, I didn't finish high school/college as much as I tried. And yes I know now I was stupid to do so but I didn't see it then.

I'm rather skilled with IT and software development and I know it's what I want to do but with no qualifications or childcare I don't even know if I stand a chance.

I regret my younger years so much now but it just feels like everything's turned out horribly(of course besides my lovely little ones, I'd walk the end of the earth for them).

And it doesn't help that I myself for the past couple years have had an abundance of health issues leaving me with a disability and struggling as it is.

The way her partner is acting would be enough to put me off for life though. He’s made it clear to op her feelings on their future do not matter

I think you should do the calculator here and find out that your situation would be if you left.

Also try it as a student and a part time and full time employee. Get some good ideas. You'll probably be surprised that you can afford to live on your own and study and or work. And at your age you have years to get yourself sorted. It could be the best thing to happen to you.

@paperklip

But that's her dp rather than military life. Ok it's my dc rather than my dp but I see lots of positives for a young person who is not in a career yet