Partner joining the army???

[SleeplessWonders]

Hi, this is my first post, and it’s a bit long.
I (F23) have been with my partner (M24) for a few years, and we have two young kids. I grew up in a very different family environment from his—mine was more chaotic, while his family has strong ties to the military.
Recently, he decided to join the military, which means he’ll be leaving for a lengthy training period and possibly more time away after that. From the start, I made it clear that I wouldn’t be comfortable moving around frequently because I’m close to my family, and so are the kids. He’s okay with that, but I’ve been struggling to come to terms with everything.
We’ve always had very different views on the military. I don’t feel it serves the same purpose it once did, while he believes it’s about defending the country and doing something meaningful. When he first told me about his decision, he didn’t ask for my input—it felt like the decision was already made. I’ll admit, I reacted badly and said some hurtful things about him leaving us and giving up what we’ve built.
That was a few months ago, and we’ve had the same argument repeatedly since. He feels like I don’t respect his decision, and I feel like I wasn’t considered at all.
Recently, he had a meeting with a recruiter, and while he was on the call, I started researching what life as a military spouse might be like. What I found was overwhelming and made me emotional—I felt like I’d be giving up my independence and raising our kids alone.
When I tried to share how I was feeling, he became defensive, brought up my past reactions, and accused me of not supporting him. Now, we’re not talking at all. I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells and that my feelings are being dismissed.
I know I didn’t handle everything perfectly, but I feel like I deserve some consideration too. AITA?

I'm an Army wife of 14.5 years (plus girlfriend etc before that!).
From the moment we met I knew he was going to join. I married him knowing he was a soldier first. I had kids knowing it.

And the reality is.. you don't know know until you do it I've been left with a newborn baby on a foreign country, I've given birth alone when he was on operations. I've moved my family at a few weeks notice. I've had my DD with no school place for 2 months after a move.
I've made awesome friends, and left them. My children lived in 3 countries before they started school.

Its been brilliant, hard, lonely, exhausting etc simultaneously.

I don't regret it.. but wouldn't recommend it.

Especially since he's being pig headed. It effects the family more than them.

Hes not putting you first. Or his kids sadly.

You're still young enough to do an apprenticeship. But also, old enough to be considered mature student which means that finishing school may not be so important. Look up coding and IT camps. Search MN for hot to train in IT there are some really good threads on it.

Thank you so much for this, I'll go and look now.

I always had such ambitions and standards for myself and I just want to be proud again. Outside of this house that is.

OP, you are 23 unmarried, with several children.
If you want to improve your life, sort out contraception first.

Him joining the military without consulting you is him opting out of partnership and fatherhood IMO.

Don't waste any more of your life on this fellow.
Time to focus on building your financial independence and otherwise without this man.
Don't be fobbed off by him.
No man his age is joining the army with young children other than to get away from his responsibilities at home.

Let him off and focus on yourself and your children.
You are so young, focus on doing everything you can on making the best of your life.
Retraining and building a career will help you do this.

Okay, well since this is a pattern for him then I think you should probably spell it out to him. Something like....
I consider this career to be incompatible with family life. If you are walking out on family life I consider this relationship over. I'll need a job from now on, so you'll need to care for your children 50% of the time. How you cover this while you're away is up to you. Let me know your plan.

Also if you need specific careers advice re apprenticeships and so on, I'd start another thread about that so you reel in the best people to answer it!

Fucking patronizing. I'm sure she knows how babies are made and how to avoid them if she wants to. She's 23, she's an adult woman.

THIS! Also people say it as if you can get a refund on the kids… get a life

Yes, definitely start another thread specifically about training and make it clear in the title what it's about as you'll get really good advice. And search Google for previous threads (the search function is a bit crap on MN!)

I was brought up in a military family and it was awful. Dad was away for months on end, we had to move home and schools and even countries regularly and he had a long term affair which broke my mum.
As a young adult I was dating a guy who decided to join the military. We'd been together for several years but I broke it off. I couldn't bear to see my future kids go through all the misery I'd experienced.

You're not unreasonable to feel like you do, it's a huge decision that affects you and the children and your life will be turned upside down by it. I doubt he will change his mind and if he does he will likely resent you (not that he should as you've not done anything wrong) and it'll be over anyway.

I was in a similar position a fair few years ago now, bit different that DH actually joined to get us a house and to get himself quals and experience to build us a better life as we were in a pretty hopeless position with DS on the way. I was a trailing spouse and lived all over the country (and abroad), made lifelong friends and had support building a career for myself through welfare. It's not for everyone and that's okay, only you know if you want to live that life or not- i wouldn't in your situation where it's being imposed on you as it shows he doesn't care.

I'll definitely go and ask, thank you.

Honestly getting my qualifications is something I've wanted for so so long but I've had to drop out of college twice due to lack of childcare and support already. The logistics are never on my side🤦🏼‍♀️

Things maybe have changed but when my husband was in the army, you didn’t get an army house unless you were married. So you wouldn’t be entitled to live on camp. I would check this. I definitely wouldn’t entertain not being married anyway, it’s too risky.

You can now as they recognise long term partners (there is criteria and you have to register as such on the system but with children would definitely qualify).

It is an admirable career and one of the few that justifies separation from children for periods of time. That is why it is critical that it be a family decision, both at initial sign-up and at every decision point for continuation. He can’t do this job without a strong supportive second parent to take over all parenting responsibilities. His absence will have a huge impact on your career prospects as well.

If he comes from a military family, I would recommend the two of you seek counsel from a trusted spouse of a service member. Ask for a frank discussion of the pros and cons.

I think 24 is the max age on some of the government qualifications, so you still have time, just! Good luck, and remember that putting yourself first is often the best way to put your kids first. (Putting your oxygen mask on first when the plane is going down). If you make that time now and get the better qualifications you're going to have that money and flexibility as they get older and need you.

For what it’s worth, the military support spouses and partners to get qualifications. When my DH was serving I was offered all sorts of funded courses from childminding to coding.

It also depends on your trade, lots of people don’t ever deploy.

He sounds very selfish and is taking the piss. If he was so keen to join the military he should have done it before having kids.

And not involving you in the decision is even more of a piss-take. Tell him if he wants to join up that’s up to him, but you’ll be staying put with the kids and won’t be following him around the country / world.

There will be ways to start your career, you are so young, there are often schemes to help people in exactly these circumstances.
I agree with starting a post for specific advice.

Once you are going it alone you will set up help for yourself and can get advice and help with childcare and career. Just start putting yourself first, you will be surprised at how many options are available. It won't be easy but it will be worth it. Don't sit back and let him build a life while you wait for the chance to start yours, because he sounds like the kind of man who will never hold back to help you, so don't wait for it only to realise its never coming.

And the health issues, it's a hurdle but these days there are so many work from home opportunities and even specific groups set up to help people with poor health (if you need one I can post info) that help people out. There will be options available.

My dh has been in 22 years. We have 2 kids and he was in Afghanistan when our eldest was born. We stay in one place and he comes home.

Some are fine but for me I hated it.

Maybe if you move around with him you would prefer it but then the kids would need to move.

He might not join once he's started the training.

My DP is a submariner. It’s hard, emotionally taxing and a constant sense of unease but he was already in the navy when we met. This lifestyle demands independence, not having a job or a career or a focus is going to be in your detriment. As pp said, he will resent you for not joining and you will resent him for joining. It is more of a lifestyle than a career, both of you need to be 100% in.

He will be gone for months on end, limited contact or sometimes none. I would never recommend this to someone who is in an unstable relationship, if you argue regularly or are unsure about being together. I would honestly deeply consider if this is for you, it sounds like you may get hurt either way and it may hurt less to finish things now.

End of the day, you didn't sign up to be a military spouse.

Military spouses have to be on board with moving for their partner's career, often being alone for long periods of time, and knowing they'll be solo parenting for long periods of time. Half a couple unilaterally deciding that they're going to join the military and expect their other half to just 'get on board' is unrealistic and unreasonable.

Again, you didn't sign up for this life, and if it's not what you want out of life, then end the relationship. It won't work if you're not all in. Nothing wrong with not wanting that life, either. If you do, great. Hope it works out for you both. But if you don't, better to end it now for all concerned.

@thescandalwascontained

Military spouses have to be on board with moving for their partner's career

They don't.

What were the childcare issues? Because if he and tour family let you down, don't be put off.

There is a lot of reliable, free childcare that you may be able to access

You May be surprised how much support is out there when you talk to people in your corner who want you to succeed. Are there any college open days nearby?

I think the biggest part of this for me is that he made the decision to join without discussing it with you first. If you are truly a family unit and he respects you as a partner he would have discussed it and made a decision together. The fact that he has decided to do it without you tells me (and I'm sorry to put it bluntly) that you might be his partner for now but you and the kids aren't his priority and never will be.
It's interesting you say about a chaotic life growing up because people who are attracted to job like police/army tend to have certain personality traits that also attracts them to partners with chaotic or abusive backgrounds, particularly if that person has a high potential of achieving in life. The sick reason is that the enjoy the control and ability to make you feel a certain way about yourself. This also is something that creeps up and isn't obvious from the beginning.
I would see this as a blessing - you might have kids together but you are sooo young, you can do anything. Pretend everything is normal, set up a plan to get some qualifications and then when he goes off to the army get rid.
For IT training, look up She Codes, I've used them and they are brilliant x