Partner joining the army???

[SleeplessWonders]

Hi, this is my first post, and it’s a bit long.
I (F23) have been with my partner (M24) for a few years, and we have two young kids. I grew up in a very different family environment from his—mine was more chaotic, while his family has strong ties to the military.
Recently, he decided to join the military, which means he’ll be leaving for a lengthy training period and possibly more time away after that. From the start, I made it clear that I wouldn’t be comfortable moving around frequently because I’m close to my family, and so are the kids. He’s okay with that, but I’ve been struggling to come to terms with everything.
We’ve always had very different views on the military. I don’t feel it serves the same purpose it once did, while he believes it’s about defending the country and doing something meaningful. When he first told me about his decision, he didn’t ask for my input—it felt like the decision was already made. I’ll admit, I reacted badly and said some hurtful things about him leaving us and giving up what we’ve built.
That was a few months ago, and we’ve had the same argument repeatedly since. He feels like I don’t respect his decision, and I feel like I wasn’t considered at all.
Recently, he had a meeting with a recruiter, and while he was on the call, I started researching what life as a military spouse might be like. What I found was overwhelming and made me emotional—I felt like I’d be giving up my independence and raising our kids alone.
When I tried to share how I was feeling, he became defensive, brought up my past reactions, and accused me of not supporting him. Now, we’re not talking at all. I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells and that my feelings are being dismissed.
I know I didn’t handle everything perfectly, but I feel like I deserve some consideration too. AITA?

@SleeplessWonders what @SnailFail said would be a good way to get to the root of the issue. I think you’re in potentially the same situation with or without him - will he have to not join up if you get 50:50 custody for example? Or does he expect you to be full time parent while he does what he likes?

My DP is military (fortunately now at the stage where he’s senior enough to be based in one place). He’s a wonderful man and I’ve met many amazing military people through him (as well as some jerks, there’s good and bad everywhere)

BUT this is a second ‘marriage’ (we’re both divorced) and i honestly wouldn’t have got together with him a decade ago when he was deployed constantly and i was at the baby/toddler stage. The life of a deployed military spouse is HARD and suits a certain type of person, in my experience.

It’s totally fine for him to want to join the military and it’s totally fine for you not to want to be a military spouse. It may be that you just want different lifestyles, and that’s just one of those things that means you can’t work as a couple long term.

You have to stay true to yourself here. He has moved the goal post without any discussion with you , therefore hasn't taken your life into consideration. Now i was a RAF wife for over 20 years and loved every minute and every posting. It is a great life if that's the life you want. There were years my dh was away 9 months and that was hard work with 3 children. Don't do it if you can't. Be aware your children will go months without seeing him so you will have to prepare them for that.

Honestly I think you may be right. I think there's definitely a chance that he likes the fact his family's put together and mine just well, isn't.

I wish it was different but it is what it is. I'm already looking into training opportunities now and I think I need to protect myself too, as many people on here have said.

I've just looked into the shecodes boot camp and honestly it looks like my dream course, unfortunately it's way out of my budget though as his earnings tend to lower mine and I'm left with nothing paying the bills and food shop anyways.

Have you checked entitledto yet to see what money you'd have coming in?

If you do decide to run with the being a military “wife” you MUST get married, you are very vulnerable otherwise. But you are so young, and to make it successful you need to be 100% committed to trail with him. It doesn’t sound like you are. If he looking into being an independent single parent, claim all the benefits you can (including health related benefits) and build your own life

So I've just looked into this but I'm a little unsure on how to answer. Like I'm not sure if he's classed as living with us if he's away and also I thought there'd be questions regarding partners in the military but I don't have enough information.

@VanCleefArpels

If you do decide to run with the being a military “wife” you MUST get married

Too many military couples get married way too soon.

Op have a look at this https://codefirstgirls.com/ all courses are free/designed to support women getting qualifications/employment in dev roles.

Oh thank you so much, I'd never heard of this!!

She already has children with him. There would only be benefits to getting married, if the op decides to stay in the relationship.

Sorry, I mean you need to check it as though you're single. So you can get an idea of the benefits you might get if you left him. You may also be entitled to benefits while together but probably not much.

I couldn't reply to your last post but right yes I see what you're saying. I hadn't but I will definitely try that now. Thank you so much

No, true, they don't, but then there's even more 'solo' parenting and alone time if they don't.

I have good friends in the military. But it is a different mentality with the regular moving....

The problem with giving ultimatums is that you might not like the results tempting as it is.

I wonder if he thinks it's a life of excitement away from humdrum ordinary domestic life. Depending on what he goes into, he won't necessarily be 'playing soldiers' but a trade will be more like a normal job, albeit uniformed and very structured.

Hi all, so I have a bit of an update.

He's just had a call from his recruiter saying all he's waiting for is his medical and he could be leaving in as little as a few weeks to a month.

Honestly I thought there was more time but it's evident that's not the case.

Thank you so much to everyone here that's given me advice, it's all been so helpful. I don't think that the military life is for me, and it's devastating but true. I'm thinking I'll stick around for a while and see how he takes to it as I do truly love him, also to give myself a chance to set myself up.

Thank you for the advice on training and careers too, I've already just applied to a training bootcamp and really hope that it works out, but I'm dedicated.

I want my babies to have a bright future and as many have said in the person that can give them that. I won't lie I'm terrified but the world turns and I've gotta protect us now so truly, thank you again.

Military myself here.

What role in the Army is he looking at? That could play a big part in movements, locations etc.

There are positives:
. Pay isn't too bad
. Career progression and transferable skills
. Pension (AFPS15 isn't as good as the 75 or 05 package but it's better than anything you can get on civvy street without having to personally contribute huge amounts each month)
. Resettlement. Serve at least 6+ years and he'll get the top allowance on resettlement for training leave, terminal leave and allowances; as well as assistance in finding a career on leaving
. Allowances; subsidised housing if you live in a patch house or travel allowances if you live apart.

If you aren't keen on moving, then he'd be a weekend warrior as such and travel back or dependant on distance could even commute each day.
I know plenty who live almost centrally and can commute from their home to a number of different bases dependant on postings.

Deployments are few and far between now due to lack of conflicts the UK is actively involved in. So there is less upheaval that way.

The military is starting to become more family orientated and supportive of that need.

Don't get me wrong, it can and will be tough, especially if it wasn't what you signed up for. It could be a challenge for you both to navigate.
But it could also be a chance and opportunity to build for a secure a stable future.

Oh wow ok.

He wants to join the royal artillery, which I may be wrong but I understand that's front lines?

You are very young.
Drop him, he's not good enough.

Not quite front line in terms of combat troops. They'd be sat further back and operating different types of longer range equipment.

A large portion of the regiments are based at Larkhill in Wiltshire, pretty much like 5 minutes from Stonehenge. So there would be the opportunity for a bit more stability by moving around the different regiments located there.
I'm not Army, but have spent a month at Larkhill which is a great camp. The facilities are modern and the area is nice.

A number of other regiments are based around Catterick and Topcliffe. Again the opportunity to move between those local regiments and remain slightly more settled and in a commutable distance.

I'm an ex-soldier and I do not see this working.

There are families that follow soldiers and those that only see their partners on the weekend and I know many it works for. I married a soldier myself and for 3 years we were away from each other alot more than we were together even with a small baby to cater for.

It needs to be a partnership and a joint decision. He shouldn't have decided without you. I would expect him to propose as marriage entitles you both to a pad, but in this case I would urge you to think very hard before accepting.

I would recommend the military as it has set me and many of my friends up for life, but as a family it needs to something both of you commit to in order to make it work

No way in a million years would I agree to being a military wife. My friend did it. She was dragged around the country on various postings for a few years and then dropped for a younger woman. The family accommodation I visited them at while he was on his first posting can only be described as squalid.

It works if you have a solid career that you can do remotely, are content to be uprooted every couple of years at very little notice and don't mind your DP working long hours and being away for 6 months at a time. As well as all the training weekends, random days on exercise etc.

He's being incredibly selfish thinking he can just impose this set-up on you. It's a difficult lifestyle for the whole family, not just a job for him. I'd LTB to be honest, although I realise that's easier said than done. You're too young to live your life resenting a selfish "partner".

So you’re a gamer?

My husband spent 29 years in the military (RAF). We both loved everything about it. The security, friends, moving waa even nice. OK he was away a bit, but that's life.
I had and still have a career. Husband works in mod, but the bonus of post military life is a great big fat pension payment every month that he gets since leaving when he was 47.

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