Partner joining the army???

[SleeplessWonders]

Hi, this is my first post, and it’s a bit long.
I (F23) have been with my partner (M24) for a few years, and we have two young kids. I grew up in a very different family environment from his—mine was more chaotic, while his family has strong ties to the military.
Recently, he decided to join the military, which means he’ll be leaving for a lengthy training period and possibly more time away after that. From the start, I made it clear that I wouldn’t be comfortable moving around frequently because I’m close to my family, and so are the kids. He’s okay with that, but I’ve been struggling to come to terms with everything.
We’ve always had very different views on the military. I don’t feel it serves the same purpose it once did, while he believes it’s about defending the country and doing something meaningful. When he first told me about his decision, he didn’t ask for my input—it felt like the decision was already made. I’ll admit, I reacted badly and said some hurtful things about him leaving us and giving up what we’ve built.
That was a few months ago, and we’ve had the same argument repeatedly since. He feels like I don’t respect his decision, and I feel like I wasn’t considered at all.
Recently, he had a meeting with a recruiter, and while he was on the call, I started researching what life as a military spouse might be like. What I found was overwhelming and made me emotional—I felt like I’d be giving up my independence and raising our kids alone.
When I tried to share how I was feeling, he became defensive, brought up my past reactions, and accused me of not supporting him. Now, we’re not talking at all. I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells and that my feelings are being dismissed.
I know I didn’t handle everything perfectly, but I feel like I deserve some consideration too. AITA?

Good one!

My DH is ex-army. We met after he had already left. No way would I consider a relationship with a military man, especially now I know so much about it. The spouse gives up everything. You either follow him around and live in pretty sad army accommodation. Or you stay where you are but you only see him at weekends (IF he makes the effort to drive home). Neither option would work for me.

The fact that he joined without speaking to you speaks volumes.

You are young. Make plans for a future as a single mum.

Fuck him. He doesn't deserve the kind of sacrifice he asking of you.

I was a military wife for 20 years.
Upsides.. married quarters were generally great (bigger than our home now) and the community was fab.. there are generally toddler groups, social groups and families are supported. I loved living in quarters and it was very safe for the children.. my kids had more freedom than they would have done on a non military base,
Pay..decent, ditto pension.

Downsides... detatchments. Parenting solo. No career of my own (and I have a good degree as I met him in my third year)..I've done low level jobs forever .
Everyone telling me he's doing so much for queen and country, while actually he enjoyed the detatchments while I was managing 4 kids solo!

All that bloody kit when he came home....

We didn't have that many moves.. we were lucky. However he came out of the forces when our kids started secondary as we didn't want to move them again, and the youngest was in a special school (autistic). We didn't use boarding schools as we never wanted the children to be away from us, but there is excellent subsidised education if you want it.

Overall it was a good life, barring my own lack of career... you get very good at solo parenting! I still miss aspects of it.

However my Dh was in the Military when I met in... so I KNEW he would be away someo f the time..I signed up for the life. You haven't, and if you don't want it, leave. DH left the military for our families' sake... yours seems happy to abandon you for it. And you are not married.

There’s a lot of negative opinions here and they are valid but there are lots of positives to being an army spouse. It’s not the same as it used to be, they are much more family friendly now. I live in a garrison town and have lots of close friends who are army wives or in the army themselves. They all have good careers, they all have chosen to stay here and settle now they have children so they just go for postings that are in this area. I actually don’t know a single army wife that doesn’t have her own career. Soldiers get lots of time off, especially over the summer holidays which helps with childcare if you’re working. Many get early finishes so they can do the school run at least once a week. The ones I know are really present fathers. I know some couples where both of them are in the army and they make that look easy.
Regardless of all this though, he should have included you in the decision. He was completely in the wrong for that

It would be a deal breaker for me. He can go ahead but the relationship would be over.

I think making any kind of big career decision without consulting a partner is shitty, especially if you have children together. Setting aside that its the army, its just not a good way to behave.

Some thoughts

He's going to do this. Is this this what you WANT?

Everyone's entitled to a dream. He was brought up in this culture and there was always the possibility it would pull him. Is it ok to tell him he can't have his?

Please ensure you have rock solid no mistakes contraception. Another one on your own would be bad.

Touch wood of course and so sorry to bring this up - but as you're not married would you be entitled to a widow's pension ?

My honest response would be - get married before he flits off to follow his dream. Then decide what you want.

I absolutely would not be a military wife.
Hes acted like a single man by signing up like that. Dump him

@Potsofpetals no pal, I'm a software developer hoping to create diagnostic tools for better healthcare but glad you think that.

And I'm seeing a lot of mixed opinions on military life but I get that the general consensus is that we should've been able to talk.

The most I've got is that he said he'd maybe do 4 years then join the reserves but honestly? It's not enough for me and maybe that makes me selfish but it's not like I'm gonna stop him.

I do see the positives to it, but I don't have the strength for it tbh.

Perhaps I'm bitter, and this is a few years ago but you will always be baggage in the army. The plus side work from home is much more avaliable since covid. If he is joining a regiment then he might not move around very much base wise. Back in the day I think regiments only moved every 10 years. However if he is a tade like reme he may move every 3 years.
I think all you can do is give it a go and give it a good 2 years. After than moving back to family may be an option and he comes home at weekends.
Don't get involved on drama if living in accomadation and be careful who you make friends with. You will see many relationships and marriages crumble.
The big problem with joining and having a family imo is that it's very much a single lad environment. Going for a drink after work with the lads, clocking off Friday lunchtime and going to the pub, clubbing at weekends. Perhaps it's changed but I saw so many blokes avoiding their family commitments and wives.

Advantages of army life are completely irrelevant now.

He knew you wanted to live at one place close to your family, he never suggested otherwise/discussed "army dreams" and created two children with you.

You were planning to help your career , but he wouldn't do anything for it

He is a selfish ignorant who doesn't value you and doesn't value your family.
He pays 0 attention to what you want.
He didn't even try to discuss what would be in it for you, he didn't try to sell the idea to you, find a way to make it work (maybe there isn't one, but it doesn't seem he bothered to look).

Decide what is best for you and your children (with you at the first place, because if you are the only one who cares about what is good for children, you lost)

Lots of people talking about pros and cons of military life but for me it's irrelevant.

He hasn't married you, he was never going to pick up childcare responsibilities as you said, and he's now picking a career where you will be solely responsible for the children always and therefore will have a major effect on your job prospects - and again without you having security of marriage - and he doesn't even pause to consider if you have an opinion about it?

I'm raging on your behalf! I couldn't get over that.

No, he's not entitled to a dream, when that dream is entirely based on another unwilling human being available to support it.

If the OP posted to say she was thinking about ditching her children to join the army but DH wasn't on board not a single soul would be selling her the upsides to him being a military husband.

He had children and now he has to suck that up.

And fwiw in telling him he can't follow his dream, she's allowing herself a chance to follow hers.

He is the one dictating who is allowed to follow their dreams.

It’s awful, and infidelity is scarily rife. This is not a life I would willingly sign up for.

There are a lot of positives. Money, housing and pensions etc And the RA can set you up with some skills he could use when leaving. And like others have said it’s not like 20 years ago when they were being deployed left right and centre but never say never.. DH lost friends and many were injured.

But the fact he’s just signed up and you have kids and he’s supposed to be a partner is terrible. That says a lot about what he think of you. What if you did say you’ve decided to sign up too and so he’s going to need to sort the childcare 50/50. Id be tempted to call his bluff.
Say you’ve found a technical IT training course or something just to see his face! Or just say you’re going to be doing a coding course so what are his thoughts on what to do next with the kids etc? He’s not a child he’s a parent he can’t just up and leave without ramifications.

And it doesn't help that I myself for the past couple years have had an abundance of health issues leaving me with a disability and struggling as it is.

Does your disability impact your day to day life and will it impact your ability to train and work?

His age is a thing that jumps out. IME he will find difficulties joining at the age of 24 - most people seem join in the age groups 17 - 20.

Initial training means he might only get an occasional weekend pass a few weeks in, then further training follows - similar travel restrictions, that’s even before a posting elsewhere.

Honestly? Yeah.

I weren't gonna go into it but I have multiple joint dislocations daily and it is so bloody difficult. I'm learning to live with it but it's painful and kinda brutal tbh. Plus a heart condition too.

Don't you have to be married to get forces accomodation anymore. That used to be the case.

And you know the military can be posted. My DDs dad spent most of my pregnancy and her early life in the middle east due to the Gulf war

I have a friend with a military husband. She calls him her part-time husband. She does most of the parenting alone. It's not a life I would want.

But the biggest problem in your situation is, of course, that your partner doesn't seem to care whether you want that life or not. He thinks you should facilitate his choices but he doesn't care about yours.

Bluntly, he's not a keeper.

He should not have made this decision without a detailed discussion with you. You are a family unit and everyone is affected by this - he cannot just go off at a tangent as if you and the children do not exist.

There is nothing wrong with you not supporting his decision - you weren't involved in it and it is entirely reasonable for you to have your own views on it both as it affects you and as a principle. I have deep concerns and would not want a member of my family in the military - you only have to look at the immorality of Tony Blair's decisions to realise that members of the armed forcers are pawns in global political games.

You must stand up for your views and not be browbeaten into pretending that you are OK with this. He has no right to dictate what your views should be.

Exactly this. And I'm worried, he's talking about how our son could join years down the line and while I know that's for him to decide.. it's my nightmare.

In all honesty once upon a time I had complete respect for the military and still have respect for the people going to serve the country, however the elites use them as pawns and my main concern is him fighting for a country that nowadays would not fight for him.

I do not hate anybody and in general I am an incredibly peaceful person but I am so so worried about all of it.

@SleeplessWonders

Would he consider joining as a Reservist at this juncture, with a view to looking at the situation again later on?

https://jobs.army.mod.uk/army-reserve/find-a-reserve-centre/