Partner joining the army???

[SleeplessWonders]

Hi, this is my first post, and it’s a bit long.
I (F23) have been with my partner (M24) for a few years, and we have two young kids. I grew up in a very different family environment from his—mine was more chaotic, while his family has strong ties to the military.
Recently, he decided to join the military, which means he’ll be leaving for a lengthy training period and possibly more time away after that. From the start, I made it clear that I wouldn’t be comfortable moving around frequently because I’m close to my family, and so are the kids. He’s okay with that, but I’ve been struggling to come to terms with everything.
We’ve always had very different views on the military. I don’t feel it serves the same purpose it once did, while he believes it’s about defending the country and doing something meaningful. When he first told me about his decision, he didn’t ask for my input—it felt like the decision was already made. I’ll admit, I reacted badly and said some hurtful things about him leaving us and giving up what we’ve built.
That was a few months ago, and we’ve had the same argument repeatedly since. He feels like I don’t respect his decision, and I feel like I wasn’t considered at all.
Recently, he had a meeting with a recruiter, and while he was on the call, I started researching what life as a military spouse might be like. What I found was overwhelming and made me emotional—I felt like I’d be giving up my independence and raising our kids alone.
When I tried to share how I was feeling, he became defensive, brought up my past reactions, and accused me of not supporting him. Now, we’re not talking at all. I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells and that my feelings are being dismissed.
I know I didn’t handle everything perfectly, but I feel like I deserve some consideration too. AITA?

Honestly that would be a win but he's saying no, and that the army life is his calling.

Even asking to compromise 4 years instead of 20 is a no, I'm at a loss and he's clearly made his mind up.

My DH was in the airforce when we got married (was in it when we met). So different circumstances to you but to be honest I didn’t like the lifestyle and the moving around. We even had to bring our wedding forward six months as he’d been posted 400 miles away from where I lived. He would come and stay with me on his days off at the time.

I did find it very hard leaving my job and moving that far from my family. The move ended my career and I felt lost for quite a while. It always felt like there was no point settling anywhere as we would just have to move again.

We were lucky in that we didn’t move anywhere near as often as some people. When DD was born we were at a base lot nearer to home and had even bought a house.

when she was 9 months i found out we were moving down south about 200 miles away and I was gutted and really upset, i very nearly didn’t go with him. We finally got moved back up three and a half years later and bought another house in the same area. He finally left the military four years ago and I have felt much more settled ever since knowing that he’s not at their beck and call to have to move.

I have spouse friends from the military and they love the life but it wasn’t for me at all.

I suppose my point is if he’s set on joining and you really don’t want a life moving around I would seriously consider separating. Better now than when you’ve moved miles away and just feel resentment. It’s a lot to wrap your head around either way.

@SleeplessWonders

I know more about being a Royal Navy spouse/partner/family member than I do about the Army, but there are some things which would be true about all three of the Armed Forces.

You would have the opportunity to apply for Service Family Accommodation, which is likely to mean that you would have housing in an area where other Service families were living in your street. I didn't live in SFA myself, but I have met people who did and they seemed to find each other supportive.

As far as the Navy is concerned, there are activities etc for children in the main bases and I would imagine that there are similar things in places like the Larkhill Garrison, which is where I think the Royal Artillery has its HQ.

It's still a very difficult situation for you and I appreciate that knowing about these things won't make it any easier for you.

https://aff.org.uk/

Can’t he join the police force or the fire brigade instead?

Thank you so much for this. I'd been looking for support resources and hadn't found a great deal.

I've looked into the housing situation if we were to go but in all honesty, I don't want to move and it says a lot I think. I want the kids to have stability and as someone who didn't have much as a child myself I know how horrible it can be finally settling just to leave again.

@SleeplessWonders

I'm wondering what the situation might be for Royal Artillery families, OP.

It may be the case that the families who live at Larkhill are there for as long as their partners are serving in the RA. There is a lot of new housing in that area, as far as I can see.

I wonder whether you could ask the AFF about whether you could stay in SFA at Larkhill for as long as your partner is serving. They should have a contact at Larkhill who can give you more specific advice.

https://aff.org.uk/contact/

https://armyandyou.co.uk/back-issues/

@TheSquareMile thank you so much for this, I'll look into it.

Honestly though it's not just that, the family I do have here are very very close with the kids and it seems unfair for them and the little ones to stop all of that for his army dreams.

On top of that, I'm trying to work out where I would be finances wise but I can't for the life of me work out how I'd fill out entitledto. Like if he's moving away then is it just me on a UC claim? And also if so then do I report anything he does help with? I'm so lost and I just want to make sure me and the babies are going to be ok.

He’s not a partner- he’s not committed to you or the children. I think you just have to acknowledge that and move on. Men like that pretend they have a family while keeping themselves their sole priority the whole time. Move on quickly, he will see his kids as often as he prioritises them, which may be never. He may come from a ‘stable family’ but you’re the only one providing that for your children, give yourself a pat on the back, tell him you’re disappointed he’s decided not to be there for you or his children, his children especially deserve better, and you are sorry he’s not a man who will commit to his family but you’ll be all they need.

I was brought up in a military family and it was brilliant! We five children had an exciting childhood travelling to many countries, moving home and school every three years.
As kids we lived wild and safe on military bases abroad, plenty of space to pay out and friends on base. Lots of opportunities for sport, sailing yachts in Cyprus, gliding, D of E Award scheme, brownies, scouts for the kids.
It made us resilient and adaptable.
It must have been exhausting for mum but she had us five to care for. There are creches and nurseries and other mums for support. You're all in the same boat, on a base in a foreign country.
The schooling mainly abroad was good quality, much stricter, more adherence to rules....not a bad thing considering the feral youth of today.

You could distance study for an OU degree even abroad.

The decision wasn't his to make alone, but if you love him and can talk it thru, get a ring on your finger before you go. The life does present opportunities.

Saw a ''memorial bench'' in a park when we were visiting a friend- I thought the date on it looked very young, and it was a Soldier's Memorial bench {I googled his name}

It was absolutely sad..so many young men [especially] are killed or seriously wounded fighting battles far away and also have stress after fighting.

WW1, WW2, and various wars since and lessons are never learned.

Most of us will have had relatives who fought in the past, and suffered for it.

It's hard on everyone connected with that Serviceman or Woman.

Respects for those who choose to do it though...

Wouldn’t he be following up on all thay if he cared? And if he doesn’t care enough, she certainly shouldn’t look into it.

When my husband was RA they moved about all the time. They had bases in Germany, uk south coast, amongst others. They were reducing the German ones but think they may still exist. But I wouldn’t expect to stay in Larkhill.

To point out... even in the last 5 years, army family life has changed a lot. They are pushing now for families to stay in one place with less moving. Officially the Army now has no bases in Germany (just NATO in Paderborn). Much of the housing stock is in a rubbish state. (DHs house is actually considered unsafe for children... but not for single officers. Our last family house has was condemned as we moved out of it).
Many wives to actually manage to build careers now.

But its all irrelevant. The OP didn't sign up for it. Her "partner" did behind her back.

Personally OP I'd just be very honest with him- say how you feel about it (not just the logistics but how it feels to be left out of the decision making etc) and see how it goes. He might drop out of basic, he might not but you might find that its something that isn't a deal breaker for you when it's actually happening. You have nothing to lose by giving it a go, whether you split up now or in 6 months at least you won't be wondering.

OP, he isn't your partner. In a partnership you both get to discuss issues and decide together what you want the outcome to be. You and your opinions are as important as his.

Very clearly he sees your opinion as irrelevant and feels that he can unilaterally make a decision that will have an enormous impact on both you and our children. I can't see how any loving partner would behave like that.

He is basically saying it's my way or the highway and if I'm honest, I would choose the highway because that's the way it's going anyway. You will either be forced into a life that you don't want and, certainly I, would resent that enormously. Or you accept that in making this decision he is ending the relationship.

You deserve a partner who sees you as an equal and works to fulfil your dreams as well as his. Good luck.

This only by it’s my way or the highway I’d clarify he means I’m not going to bother parenting these two babies with either option. They are your problem.

Put in a claim for child maintenance

This money iwill not be included if you claim benefits as a single person

I'd disagree with this slightly.

I joined at 26 and had no issues. From going through training, the ones that struggled the most were the 17-20 year olds. They didn't have life experience, struggled with basic life skills such as hygiene, cleaning, ironing etc from being mollycoddled/mummied.

I think it was wrong for him to make the decision without discussing it with you.

But I think some of the reactions on this thread are really extreme.

There are really good husbands and fathers in the army and many families.

Many women are also serving in the army these days and it is very different from what it used to be.

I am a bit shocked that people's immediate reaction is 'leave him', especially with children in the mix.

I would first give him a chance to put his case forward, be clear about what part of the army he wants to join and what that will entail (because there are so many different roles and travel requirements) before making any rash decision.

I wonder how some of the people on this thread would feel if no on was joining the army and if we were left unprotected in the current world that we are living in...

People who join the army are courageous people who want to make a difference and protect the country.

It is sad to see them here described as feckless and selfish partners.

People going to serve their country is why we live in a free, democratic country today and don't speak German or Russian.

I am a big liberal lefty but I know to respect the army...

The army isn't the issue, its a red herring.

OP is 23, has two small children, ahs not had the chance to go to university or start a career. And now her boyfriend has decided he wants a job which will force her to move away from her support network and to move around.
What should she do?

The problem isn't want to join the army. It want to after having two children and without discussing it with his partner

I feel like you didn't read the OP

@TickingAlongNicely

'The problem isn't want to join the army. It want to after having two children and without discussing it with his partner'

My post literally starts with 'I think it was wrong for him to make the decision without discussing it with you'. As for children, do you think people who are in the army don't have kids?

@AllCatAndABagOfChips 'I feel like you didn't read the OP'

And I feel like you did not read or understand my post...