AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

@Completelyjo cross post there!

You do have to question why the OP felt the need to start it don't you? Bored? Resentful?

Honestly OP, your post comes across like you're looking for validation about your choice to stay at home. The reality is that most people don't care about your choice to be a SAHM of not, it's only of value to your immediate family....and that is fine. Although your use of "partner" suggests you're not married and I do have to say I think unmarried SAHMs are leaving themselves in an incredibly precarious position if the relationship were to end.

Saying things like "I don't get to clock off at 5pm and don't get annual leave" is going to be inflammatory to most working parents. Because we know what looking after children and a home entails. I clock off from my paid job at 5pm but the children still need looking after, homework done, dinner cooked, the house needs cleaning etc. Evenings, weekends and annual leave are spent doing the same as you....all the unpaid work of raising a family and looking after a house.

Yes, DH and I currently share the household stuff as we both work and yes, if I was a SAHM I realise that all of the school runs, holiday childcare, cooking and cleaning would fall to me but it is no harder work than being in paid employment. If anything I could get dinner prepped and the house clean during the day rather than doing it all in the evening.

I agree - when mine was under a year old I painted furniture, painted a 2.5 metre high vaulted ceiling from a ladder and got loads done (I have a lot to do) while he crawled and played but now he’s a toddler I wouldn’t have a hope in hell 🤣.. every situation for everyone is different and nobody can judge anybody else based on their own experience that’s all

That's one thing we agree on. Especially since they never came back.

You don't need to dumb it down, you just need to understand the point.

These are probably largely the same people that we are talking about. People that basically can't afford to have children without the state propping them up through either funding childcare and additional UC if they choose to work or through benefits if they choose to stay at home. The reality is that sometimes it's cheaper in the short term for the state for someone to stay at home and raise their kids than pay for the additional childcare etc associated with them going to work.

It might be unpalatable to hear for those people who feel like they are sacrificing a lot to work and then find out that actually it is just making them more of a burden on the state than they would otherwise be but that is the cold harsh reality. Working doesn't always pay for the individual or the state!

Here's an idea OP, as you feel so undervalued as a SAHM. Go back to work. Then try not to be too surprised that when you clock off at the end of the day, or when you're on annual leave, you do still look after your children and cook dinner

For me it was so much easier being at home than at work.
We'd do play do, painting, play silly games, I'd read books. I was so much fitter and healthier with all the time running around at the park. I could do pull ups on the park equipment.
Now I barely manage to move from my desk apart from quick dashes to the toilet between meetings, am constantly stressed and anxious and dealing with people that behave way worse than a toddler with much less excuse.

Yes, eventually. They divorced when I was 13. From then on in, I was on my own after school, until either about 7.30pm or 11, depending on her shifts. I remember watching the TV news and keeping The Telegraph newsroom updated on progress at President Kennedy's assassination.

Was your dad a high flyer too or just your mum?

Yes, he was - but they were seriously unsuited! Sadly he was unreliable, too. My mum did what she could while I was still a young teenager but it didn't last.

Would you have preferred him at home over au pairs etc or would you have only wanted your mum?

So why did you just call put your mum for being a high flyer and not doing the school picks up when your father was the same? Sounds like it was lucky your mum wasn't a SAHM so she wasn't stuck in a broken down marriage or unable to support the household after they split.

And there are plenty of women, me included, with a close age gap due to our age - after prioritising our career during some of our most fertile years and waiting to feel we are earning enough to start a family.

I see where you are coming from, I am a new SAHM and have struggled to adjust and often feel torn, missing the independence of working and just being me whilst also dealing with the guilt of the idea of leaving my toddler. I will return to work but we are managing for the moment. I understand I am fortunate to be supported by my husband though I agree with other posters that when I go back to work, I will still be doing most of the domestic, child and home admin tasks and I don't know how these super mums/parents do it! It is amazing! I don't think it is valued to SAH and care for your children, family and home. I think it is very difficult for Mums, whatever they decide. I relate to what you say so you are not alone. Your partner sounds hard work and I'm sorry he's not more supportive.

But WHY will you be doing most of the domestic stuff and childcare when you return to work? You’re presumably only doing it now because you’re not working. When you go back to work, it’s 50/50. Why would you accept any less?

@Ewg9
*
I don't know how these super mums/parents do it! It is amazing*

See, I don't think that sort of language is helpful. You're already assuming that if you return to work, you'll still be doing most of the childcare and house work. It doesn't need to be like that. There is always an element of choice, whatever parameters you're functioning within.

I wasn't a 'super mum' because I went back to work after mat leave. That's a ridiculous phrase which has all sorts of connotations and blurs the fact that it's a perfectly normal thing to do.

You say you miss the independence of working and it's hard to feel 'you'. Unless you literally cannot afford (between you and dh combined income) childcare, then there is an alternative. You could go back to work and regain some of 'you' and the independence you're missing.

And reading the OP, it's then a short step to feeling resentful and unappreciated and wanting some sort of recognition and approbation for the choice you've made. You're not going to get that from society, I don't mean that harshly, it's just a fact. You're making that choice for you; it doesn't really matter to anyone else.

And it cuts both ways: I don't expect a ton of congratulations and recognition from anyone else because I was a WOHM. I certainly don't want a 'super mum' label. Nor would my DH have wanted to be called 'super dad' for being a dad, going to work and doing household stuff. It's just normal life. The recognition I've always had from my work is the salary, the pension, the opportunities, the stimulation and the friendships and social aspect of it. And as far as being a mum is concerned, the approbation comes from having raised our children into happy, well balanced adults. I certainly don't expect society to give me a pat on the back for it. That's the reward enough in itself.

If, like the OP, it isn't reward enough in itself, and you feel resentful and want something more, then the solution is to communicate with your partner and make some changes to how you're carving up responsibilities for children, home and earning. The solution isn't going to come from anywhere else

To be honest that is what we have done. Just have me at home and only work a weekend shift and use UC to plug the gap a bit (it doesn't really we are skint).

Also means that I can have UC funding a few morning sessions at nursery to help my child with a speech delay start speaking.

If it works for you and your family then that’s fine for you, can’t imagine anyone else caring

I could never have given up my career, worked too hard for it

I could never have given up my independence either ,my mother who campaigned hard for Women’s rights in the 60s and would kill me

I don't think it is valued to SAH and care for your children, family and home
Valued by whom? I don’t ‘value’ other people’s lifestyles, and doubt many others do either. I value things that people do, whether that’s drive a bus, carry out surgery or make widgets on a production line, but why would anyone value how other people look after their own homes and families? Isn’t it just a given that everyone does that one way or another?

The whole premise of the OP is based on a notion of ‘value’ that I think is flawed, or quite possibly disingenuous and designed to stir up conflict. Why worry about the ‘value’ others ascribe to what we do? Life isn’t one size fits all, so we should do what works for us and leave others to do the same.

My DH died suddenly and unexpectedly last year. Thankfully I was working and had my own income as it's taken nearly 10 months to sort out his estate and gain access to a dependent's pension and to inherit his money. During that time, I've paid for everything. It's worth saying again- SAHMs are extremely financially vulnerable

@ShyMaryEllen

I said that the emphasis on 'value' is often vague, or deliberately skewed to a 'moral' argument (ie staying at home is made to sound sacrificial and 'worthy') when there are other ways to look at it.

Exactly. This is the crux of this argument and this is why people on both sides of this discussion get emotional and defensive. The emphasis on "value" is positioned as a judgement, either of SAHMs or WOHMs, depending on which narrative fits better.

SAHMs often appear to want validation for what they do as a worthy sacrifice "for the family", whereas often WOHMs want the emphasis to be on equality or financial independence. So far, so logical. Everyone talks their own book.

I don't think either position tells the whole story (I personally think financial independence is more important than a few more years at home ultimately but that's my take on it which I accept not everyone shares).

The problem is that it's almost impossible to do both. Most women are forced into one or other side of this equation: usually not entirely out of choice. They may be forced into staying at home "for the family" when they don't want to because their husband won't support the childcare so they give up their career OR they may have to go out to work when they want to stay at home with their children. In very few cases is the optimal work life balance achieved without some sacrifice to the broader family finances or to the woman's career potential.

Most of us make some compromise here and we have to live with our choices as best we can and make our peace with them. I don't judge anyone for making the best compromise available to them at that time.

But as a single parent for whom staying at home has never been an option, it makes me bristle when people in the extremely luxurious position of not having to work spin a narrative about the "value" of being a SAHM as if they were making a noble sacrifice, or worse, as if they believe WOHMs are wilfully damaging their own children because they want to play at being important at work. It's inflammatory and misleading to push an argument that remaining at home is intrinsically more "valuable" (when there's no evidence for this) and its tone deaf to do so when most people don't have a choice.

@Thepeopleversuswork excellently put.

It's frustrating when people see it in such a binary way as well. It's not a situation where there's a 'right' or 'wrong' choice.

In our own particular situation, dh and I agreed we would both continue working. Before we had kids, we shared cooking, household tasks, life admin between us and so already balanced these things between us. Our children are now adults: we both have a great relationship with them, they're happy, interesting and lovely people. And here's the thing: I've no doubt they would be equally well-adjusted adults if I'd been a SAHM. Or if dh had been a SAHD. They have friends who as youngsters also had WOHP, and friends who had SAHP. There's no way you can tell the difference. Raising children into well adjusted adults is about so much more than whether the parents work or not.

For people like the OP, it feels like they somehow want their children to do better, to be happier, or more successful than other people's children as some sort of justification for the sacrifice they've made. It's just odd. If you're a SAHP because you've chosen to be then that should be reward enough in itself. You're doing what you want. It's just illogical that you should expect some sort of external validation for doing what you want.

@lolly792
For people like the OP, it feels like they somehow want their children to do better, to be happier, or more successful than other people's children as some sort of justification for the sacrifice they've made. It's just odd. If you're a SAHP because you've chosen to be then that should be reward enough in itself. You're doing what you want. It's just illogical that you should expect some sort of external validation for doing what you want

I think this is a ridiculously naive stance and ignores the realities of human nature. All humans on some level want some external acknowledgement and recognition for their efforts, especially when they are doing something that they perceive to be difficult even if it's something they choose to do. If I met you and stated that your chosen profession had no value other than to the organisation you work for and yourself then you would probably be a bit offended. When I was younger I remember working in a role that someone completely belittled to my face and I was devastated. Of course I had chosen to work in that role but it doesn't mean I was immune to people basically saying that all my work and efforts were close to worthless.

Many people work jobs that in my opinion don't forward society or humanity. Some arguably actively harm people e.g. betting shops, tobacco companies, petrol companies. Those people choose these roles for their own reasons and often will also seek external validation too because that's just how we are as people. You might not expect someone to thank you profusely for flogging cigarettes but you would expect your hard work to be acknowledged on some level. This is what it comes down to. We don't seem as desperate to sit pontificating about the value offered to society by other people's jobs and slagging them off for seeking external validation except when it comes to caring for small children. Something predominantly done by women and traditionally completely undervalued. Funny that!