AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

The OP is quite literally asking for this

Do you ask why? I find it odd that you're complaining about some pp's who post on these threads multiple times when you have done so yourself, incredibly long comments multiple times in your case too.

I'm also not sure what unusually extreme views you're talking about.

@outofmexico wow, that's quite a hefty projection there!

Once again, it matters not a jot whether others are SAHM. If that's what they've chosen, they should feel happy with their choice, and their partner should support it. Nothing else needed.

And of course we all know that looking after young children isn't lying around all day doing nothing. We've all had maternity leaves, we all have days off/ weekends/annual leave... And we all organise appointments, shop, cook dinner. It's completely illogical to think that any parents don't understand or do these things.

You make the decisions in your life that best suit you and your family. I make them for me and mine. I don't expect external validation and I don't understand why you are searching for it? If you are happy with being a sahm with a partner that doesn't lift a finger besides earning then good for you. I can't think of any thing worse so I've chosen a different life. Why should society be thankful to you? You've got to learn to take responsibility for the choices you have made and accept them.

I read the OP’s comments about not clocking off at 5pm or having annual leave as a direct comparison to her previous working life in an office prior to having children NOT as a dig at working mums.

I get what she means…as a full-time teacher without any children of my own, I went home to a quiet house, could rely on supply cover if I was poorly, had many school holidays to travel with my DH, and day to day had great support from senior teachers, teachers and TAs with particularly difficult children/parents etc.

As a SAHM you spend more time alone, you don’t have a defined end to your day, automatic cover when ill or holidays in the sense that your home is your workplace and your children are there with you.

Of course for working parents they don’t either, they are ‘on’ whether at work or at home too.

I genuinely think the OP was referring to having a full-time job without children.

But the OP specifically mentioned and made a comparison with working mums, not with childless working people.

OP can you clarify the context of your comments about not clocking out at 5pm/having annual leave?

The OP also clearly said working mums ‘doing it all’ is amazing, and used the word ‘also’ when asking can we ALSO acknowledge that being a SAHP is a full time job? Not instead of. She’s not trying to diminish what others do (acknowledging that working Mums ‘do it all’ as being ‘amazing’ clearly implies that she knows they also do a lot for their children in terms of chores, spending time, etc).

OP where are you? 😂 I don’t think you’ve said anything wrong to start with.

Where indeed…… !!

@lolly792 😆

@OutandAboutMum1821

I think OP went wrong with the ill-thought out paragraph:
I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5

Without going round in circles, parents do not have annual leave or clock off from parenting and WOHM still do the majority of household tasks, including cooking, cleaning and general household admin (personal assistant work).
Being a SAHP is a valid choice if it suits the family, including that parent but it does not contribute to society anymore than parenting does if you work.

And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5

This is a bizarrely thick take. Remove nanny from that list and it would still be true for almost everyone - thereby implying that nobody should have a job?

This post, or slight variations of it, crop up periodically. Either they’re from someone who is genuinely frustrated as a SAHM, perhaps with an unsupportive partner (in which case a conversation with that partner is needed) or they’re just being goady and trying to provoke the tired old SAHM/WOHM divide.

When you dig a little deeper with these posts and ask who precisely should show this approbation to SAHM and what it would look like in reality, there’s never any clear response.

As a WOHM, I obviously received monetary value in the form of salary and pension, and also approbation through appraisals and job satisfaction. But nobody patted me on the back or gave me special recognition for cooking the dinner after picking the kids up from nursery, or for changing their nappies, playing with them, or for doing the laundry, or the shopping… and neither would I have expected it! These things are all part of adulting and parenting.

I also don’t believe this is genuinely an issue in real life. No one has ever said to me ‘wow, you’re a WOHM, amazing!’ - and I wouldn’t expect them to. Like I say, the recognition I’ve received for work is specific to that role - I get a salary, pension and appraisal because of that role, not specifically because I happen to have kids. If I didn’t work, I wouldn’t get it.

if someone genuinely feels unappreciated as a SAHM then their issue is with their partner and maybe the balance of things needs to change between them; it’s not for anyone else outside the family to show appreciation

You feel undervalued because you are doing unpaid labour. Hope this helps.

Who do you think should be paying her?

I don't think anyone judges a sahp of pre school aged children and babies.

However anyone who is a sahp to children in school who thinks housework/life admin take up those 30 hours a week, is astonishly bad/slow at housework!! The sahp i know of school aged children have a lot of leisure time and this is where the judgement comes in, its can seem rather lazy and unproductive.

A pp said this: "Who do you think does all the things you list in a household where both parents work?" And it is true. Working parents still have to do all those jobs, they just have far far less leisure time.

Absolutely agree—being a SAHM is a full-time job with no clock-off, no annual leave, and a boss who throws tantrums over toast shape. It’s wild how society undervalues it.
And yes, women can be the worst critics of other women—huge pet hate. We should be lifting each other up, not judging who’s "doing it right." Different choices, same chaos. Respect all of it.

I never said she should actually be paid, nor did I suggest that is a reasonable outcome; you are hearing what you want to hear. I'm saying SAHMotherhood counts as work. The reason a lot of them feel undervalued is because it is unpaid work. That is all I said. Mumsnet users love drawing conclusions.

Presumably either her partner or husband is paying for food roof etc? Or her trust fund or investment or
Or benefits?

So someone is paying to feed her and kids but her "work" does not get PAYE.
If she is sensible she makes sure NI credits are credited so a payment of sorts and/or someon is paying in to a private pension for her future

Or they have children with additional needs. Like a child it can take you an hour to get to school only for school to phone you 445 minutes later asking you to pick up because your child can't settle.
Or a child who has such a meltdown they make themselves sick. A meltdown over something like the wrong socks or giving them toast before their drink.
It's not always just about housework. Children sometimes need their mum, even when they're school age.

while i don’t think working parents don’t do the same things i do think things might be done to a different level. some things might be done the easy way or the fast way etc. also i do think the amount of quality time as a family doing things as a family rather than chores might be more limited. so while technically maybe a sahp might been seen as having more free time they do the household chores during those hours to then make sure the time in the evening or on the weekend is not clogged up with having to do chores, buying essentials or the food shop and can be spend going to the park or some other fun family activity

Our weekends aren't clogged up doing chores but I think that's because we know our time during the week is more limited so we are more efficient.

There's no wasting time to go out on a food shop for example when it's easier and faster to do an online food shop.

We have plenty of time for parks etc at the weekend.

Isn't that parenting in general rather than being a SAHM? No parent gets to clock off from parenting, even those who work. If my child is ill at nursery, they call me because I'm the parent.

and i am glad that works for you. i just don’t agree with the sentiment that sahp are somehow more lazy etc

I don't think those who have DC under school age are lazy or those who have DC with special needs.

I do find the 'it's a full time job with no annual leave' etc like above to be very tiresome.

i can fully understand that and i do agree it can massively depend on the type of job someone does or the age of the children etc. i think at the end of the day i would hope every family does what is best for them. i am lucky enough i could stay at home even once ds starts school but i do also acknowledge being able to do so and still be financially independent is a massive privilege. it does mean i can devote the same amount of time of dedication into being able to raise ds the same we my mother raised me being very heavily involved in my education at school and also outside of school meaning i am now as fluent as any native speaker of her mother tongue though i never grew up there and would maybe only spend 4 weeks a year there with family

I have nothing against SAHM as long as they are not relying on the state to support them