AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

I didn't misread your post. I agree with you that raising children to be decent human beings is determined by parents.

But children also require physical labour - and people saying working parents do 'everything' a SAHM does, just outside their working hours are incorrect. They do not.

You must have a VERY poor imagination / brain if you think that working parents of young children "clock off at 5" and have the rest of the evening to themselves. Or that they get to use annual leave for anything other than childcare or housework most of the time.

The fact that my "day off" is literally your life, and I look forward to it as a break should tell you something.

Oh, btw did the OP ever come back?!

Just stirring the pot?

Well no, you said it wasn't a choice. It was. The justification being that you made it because you were better of 'as a family' is something that comes up regularly and rarely in the favour of women in terms of their career, security or self actualisation outside of the home. Temporarily at least. Many are on here stuck in bad marriages because of this decision (not saying you).

You said you wanted to go back to work. Your husband earns well. That could have happened, with a few years of financial sacrifice. But you chose not to. It was a choice and apparently not what you really wanted. So yes, this 'as a family' narrative and where the impetus of it falls is an interesting one.

It's not picking your decision making apart personally. That isn't the interesting bit. It's's just raised something interesting.

I didn't say you had talked about children at school, and nor did I say that I wanted everyone to get only a share of what they've paid for.

I said that the emphasis on 'value' is often vague, or deliberately skewed to a 'moral' argument (ie staying at home is made to sound sacrificial and 'worthy') when there are other ways to look at it.

Posts like this prove how we can't win no matter what we do.

Someone posts to complain about school closing/no wraparound/activity club cancelled with little notice for one reason or another...the answer is that school is not childcare and parents should have provisions in place. However opinions such as this are that both parents should be working for tax purposes so where should these mythical provisions come from?!

It is not easy to find flexible employment which allows you to work school hours, drop work to pick up children at short notice, work around school holiday etc. That just covers the most critical issues, then there are the school time visits for assemblies, parents evenings... Look at the number of people shouting out that WFH is over and everyone should be back in the office full time - once again, this affects those with caring responsibilities the most.

It is simply diabolical that we can't do right now matter where we turn. We should be there for everything our children need us for in school yet we also should be working full time to contribute maximum tax. No affordable childcare available for nursery aged children that allows both parents to work unless they earn well. No comprehensive wraparound available around school hours that covers full employment hours and commuting but employers don't want employees working PT or from home.

The only reason we make it work is that we are both senior enough in professional roles that we can get some flexibility from our employers. But this cannot be expected from every family across the country

No, but it can mean that you think very carefully about when or if you have a child, and the number and timing of those children, and not to conceive without a very practical conversation with your DP or spouse about how childcare can be afforded, exactly how this child will be cared for, how flexible both people can make their working day to facilitate pick-ups and drop-offs, how sick days and holidays and nursery closures etc are going to be handled.

I delayed having a child precisely so I could be in a stable, senior position at work that allowed me a lot of flexibility, and I was very clear with DH that if we had a child, I wouldn’t be the one stepping back professionally. He moved jobs to facilitate parenthood.

Sure. Let's get rid of nursery workers and childminders then. Changing nappies, safeguarding, feeding and caring for children while their parents are at work isn't work and therefore these 'jobs' aren't necessary.

I'm not saying that one way of looking at things is 'better' than another - just that the idea that SAHPs are self-sacrificing, hard-working paragons who need to be 'valued' is not the only perspective.

Why does the OP require validation from those who do work?

Very well said, @Coriol

It is imperative that people who want to be parents spend a good deal of time planning and strategizing. No sympathy here for those who allow themselves to "fall pregnant" and then blame the rest of society for their predictable hardships.

Exactly!

You seem to be under the impression that everyone has the same options as you in terms of choices. Some people don't have the privilege to 'time' their conception, to wait a bit longer, to gain a senior position at work, or indeed to be so self satisfied and able to predict the future.

Hopefully your response to that will be reflection about your life and the realisation that others have different paths, but I won't hold my breath that it won't be simply a thinly-veiled snobbery about who you feel should be allowed to have children.

This helps for the nursery years but then what about school? Reliable wraparound does not exist in every primary school and everyone does not get to choose which school their child is allocated.

Flexibility comes with seniority and management roles - every parent in the workforce cannot have one of these.

We did exactly the same as you before we started trying for children, planned it perfectly so we were in the best position. Sadly all the planning in the world does not allow you to forsee difficulties conceiving or pregnancy loss. So we did not wait before trying again in case that also took many years and ended up with two very close together. Likewise parents of multiples have no control. It was more luck than good planning that allowed us to be able to keep working through the toddler years as we could not have paid FT nursery for both children before any funding kicked in

Our society is not set up to meet the demands of parents raising children. Sure, there are some who fail to think ahead when starting a family but a couple working regular jobs earning average wage should be able to manage work and raising children - currently this is not possible

@Yourenotthemaincharacter eh? Who said anything about getting rid of child carers?

My children couldn't change their own nappies and cook their lunch at age 2; obviously they needed that done for them. By me, or dh or by their nursery!

Reliable wrap around doesn’t exist? I’ve honestly only heard this from people who don’t actually use it.
90% of the couples I know in real life with primary school aged children have both parents working 4 days if not 5 and using wraparound is literally not an issue.

I give up. Carry on doing your job and caring for your child simultaneously or whatever it is you think you're doing. Or making them nice people or whatever. Bravo, well done etc etc

Maybe have a closer look at the threads where posters are struggling for wraparound because the school outsources it to another provider and there are a limited number of spaces so you are not guaranteed the days you want.

DC's school does not allow children to use wraparound or clubs in reception because they get too tired. What are parents supposed to do for work for that year?! We also had no breakfast club for one year because of an issue with the provider

Just because it isn't your experience does not mean it doesn't happen

I've done both so nothing against SAHM's at all, but compared to being a working parent, SAHM is a doddle, unless you have a large number of children, multiple babies or children with challenging special needs.

If you are working as a SAHM non stop from morning to night, you are choosing to make work for yourself.

...memories of lovely lazy afternoons watching TV or reading books while kids were at school and all housework/chores/life admin/shopping etc were done after dropping them off.

Even toddlers can amuse themselves for a bit while you sit down with a cup of tea keeping an eye on them.

So no, I don't judge it at all, but I don't especially value it.

Mind you, I never felt being a SAHM made the house/children my sole responsibility 24/7. Dad did an equal share evenings and weekends. OP - do you feel unappreciated because your partner lives in the 1950s?

That only really applies if you're home-educating or have preschool kids. The majority of working parents spend the exact number of hours a day with their kids as SAHMs with school aged kids. Some of them need a couple of hours on some evenings with their kids at afterschool club, but very few are using 8am-6pm wraparound care 5 days a week. Some parents have to work opposite shifts to make it work. Many have to work shorter hours in the day time and make up those hours after bedtime, and some can simultaneously work and keep an eye on their children.

God, how can I dumb it down even more

Dh and I work. We used childcare which meant that (obviously) we weren't simultaneously looking after the children, changing their nappies etc.

No bravos or well dones needed. I don't need validation for the very normal thing of being a parent, working and doing the normal stuff of cooking dinner, organising appointments etc.

It seems to be a very small number of SAHM like the OP who seem to find being at home such a chore who want validation from others

I was a private nanny to a 8 month old and 2 1/2 for 1 year, 7am to 6pm.

I loved it and frankly found it very well paid for what I had to do. The baby was just an easy smiling girl, who was happy to just at the world around her. She also slept a lot. The older boy was just really sweet, independent and well behaved overall. I had to do some cleaning but I managed this just 20 minutes during the afternoon nap.

I couldn't wait for my maternity leave to do the sane with my kids one day...except my kids were nothing like the above. My eldest never ever played alone. She was a very demanding child in that she needed constant stimulation, physically but many intellectually. It was exhausting and I never had a break. My ds was just a tantrummy baby! Both slept very little and fought any nap. They were absolutely exhausting and going back to work was a blessing. Even nursery said they were very lovely but demanding children.

The experience of looking after them was completely different.

Just because you see it as a break doesn't mean other people have to.

It was literally the OP referring to it as days off… it was the whole point of the thread.

I think it's obvious the OP isn't real and was just posting for entertainment to elicit the usual clap trap.

@Tootiredmummyof3 read the OP

Though having stirred the pot, she seems to have disappeared. Funny that...
She literally is complaining that working parents are getting something she doesn't get because they have annual leave. Yes, of course, it's those toddlers who magically change their own nappys and cook their own dinner.