Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Your husband is literally crying out for your support, and you’re not hearing him. This is (one of) the toughest moments of his life, and he just wants his baby and wife with him. Timing wise it is a blessing that you’re on maternity leave.
Marriage is about being there for one another. He cannot be a parent to your baby and a son to his father if you’re not up there with him.

I understand it’s a long trip, can you split it into two smaller trips?

”I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment”

The guy has just lost his mother ffs 😖

Yes she was.

Clearly you don’t like your in-laws OP. So stop with all the other excuses. Hopefully your husband will remember how poorly you treated him during this time in years to come.

You can’t just walk in fields! There are bridle and public rights of way. Around here you will meet a horses or cattle.

Some fairly inflammatory use of language there😂

There's no way I would not be with my DP if his Mum has died and there is no way he wouldn't be there for me. The baby will be fine and whilst I can understand it's sub-optimal for the OP, this is a situation where I would personally suck it up.

I completely agree with you and think OP should travel up with baby to be with him but I would say a week is a good compromise and it is unfair for DH to say no you have to drive 12 hours and not get a flight.

Sometimes in life we just have to suck up difficult situations and deal with them best we can - a close death is one of those situations.

That said you need to work out for yourself what is the most convenient method of transport. If its flying then you fly - its not your DH making the journey and I wouldn't even be discussing that aspect.

Walking on unpaved roads is normal. Its what everyone living on unpaved roads do.

Its only just happened, people will not be thinking particularly logically. The funeral is still to be organised. At the moment he wants everyone there but unless your FiL owns a small mansion its not realistic to have extended family staying for a month+ He may well also find after a week that he wants time alone and other family members may simply not be able to take the time out of work.

Work out a route/travel plan which works for you and then discuss what you should do if eg there is a cold snap and you get stuck at the regional airport or fery port taking you out to the islands. Agree something along the lines of going up for the week and then returning for the funeral but with flexibility to adjust plans if needs be. Keep it practical in the discussion and give them some time to get their head around the realities.

You are giving excuses not reasons not to go Op. You might not be having many anniversarys of your recent wedding if you don't stop thinking of just yourself.

That would end my marriage.
It’s Scotland not Norway!!

I think you should go but you should fly. See how it’s going when you get there, pack your kindle/ebooks and just try to do your best, but don’t push yourself past coping, so if it’s noisy 24/7 with people and baby up all night then you will need to go home not stay for a month, as people can’t function without sleep for an extended period of time.

Never saw this thread so don’t know the context but would most new mums want their in laws taking a baby to the neighbours house? Strangers?

Offs how long is birth trauma allowable as an excuse...12 months, 2 years...you didn't travel you didn't need to make that choice how can you say what you actually would have needed?

Agreed.

yeah, OP, follow the advise of @LaurieFairyCake…although you may find yourself at risk of divorce which would also be a bit of a hassle for you. Pick your battles…
@Charlottef94

Isn't this a decision you can make?

@wheo

id divorce my husband if he said that to me .

I wouldn’t go. When my MIL died, my DH stayed with FIL and I held the fort back home. He was gone for a week. I went up for the funeral three weeks later.

Travel there however you see fit. If flying is easier then fly. But you should go.

Definitely suck it up and get there. Don’t trouble him with the arrangements, just book a flight. It’ll be quicker and easier. It really isn’t about you Op, I get that it’s tough but he’s lost his mum.
You really can get out for a walk, I’m afraid it sounds like you’re making excuses at this point.

@Charlottef94

oh and it’s tough luck if he’s not keen on you flying, if that’s what you would prefer and find easier then you just fly.

Honestly this is just a crap situation. Don't turn on each other, but acknowledge how awful the situation is.

Your husband is grieving deeply, but it doesn't mean you have to be an emotional punching bag. Set some basic boundaries for the sake of your sanity and logic, i.e. he doesn't dictate how you chose to travel and he can't be outright rude to you, but other than that I'd try and treat him gently, at least until the funeral or something.

4 months olds can be hard, especially as a first time parents but you can and will find ways to cope, such as getting out for walks (as other posters have suggested) it just doesn't feel possible right now. Trust me you will manage, mother's are made of strong stuff!

Do you'd have to revel with baby for 13 hours

But also enough clothes for you and husband for a month,

And all the stuff a baby may need.

That's a lot to pack and carry.

This.

His mother dying doesn’t excuse him acting like a controlling arsehole.

Flying is the obvious answer. He doesn't get to decide how you travel.

You sound like a treat. OP, this is fundamentally not what marriage is about.