Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

This is incredibly callous to say to your husband, presumably the person you love most in the world.

They live literally on a cliff edge? Really?

And why would walking on an unpaved road be unsafe?

Yes it does sound silly - very silly.
Do you think you might accidentally fall off the cliff?
What is so unsafe about walking on an unpaved road? Have you never ever been for a walk in the countryside around where you live?

Can the baby even be in a car seat that long? I would fly and stay for as long as you can cope with

Bloody hell this thread.

"So sad about your Mum but I'm not making the trip with the baby"

Thats quite possibly one of the most self centred, callous things I've read on here and there has been some shit posted over the years.

Babies are inherently portable things. You need to support your DH AND your FIL.
Do you still have both your parents in your life OP?

Exactly this!!!
He needs you and maybe he is unable to say it directly. You should be there with him. I know how difficult it is with baby.

What do you want from this thread? Validation of not to go? Or a push to go?
Me personally, if my mother had died, and my husband wasn't there, or delaying being with me for what I considered feedble excuses and trying to make my mums death about how hard they had it - my marriage would be done.

I know the journey is very difficult but I’d get myself up there, but privately not plan to stay the whole month. Maybe stay for a week, go back home for 10 days, then up again for the funeral. No need to rock the boat now by explaining that, you can explain in a week that it would be best to go home for a bit to keep things ticking over at home etc etc.

Is there anyone in your family who would be able to accompany you and baby up as a big favour? Maybe you could pay for a hotel at the destination / near the destination if they’ve not gone the whole way? Once you’ve done the journey once you’ll feel more confident doing it again solo

Wow, erm no don't say this. He's not a distant colleague.

even if DH is wfh he will be free on evenings and weekends to support with baby.
it would probably help him to have his baby and the reminder of new life and future and family around him after this massive loss.

When babies are portable is the easiest time to do long journeys. stop overthinking and just go.

I lost my dad on the 15th of December so just over a month ago. Parents live abroad. I have a child and was (still am) in third trimester - complicated pregnancy. I was on the plane right after I got a call. I am with your husband on this. You dont seem to understand.

it might not be as comfortable for you there as at home but its not about you at the moment and baby will be completely fine.

and you are saying you have been only married for a year is shocking and disgusting…so what?

He can’t dictate how you travel - flying with a baby that young is actually a doddle with a sling and much easier than a 12 hour drive but you should go and be with him. Presumably you’re on maternity leave so don’t have to worry about it clashing with work. This is the moment where you have to take on a lot of the baby stuff to allow him to do the grief stuff. Unfortunately there will be a time when the situation is reversed and he’ll need to step up. For now you have to absorb a lot to allow him to grieve - it’s not just the grief, presumably he’s having to do a lot of admin too.

Yabu, you either need to travel up to their house and be with you dh or stay at home and hold the fort without complaining that he's with his dad. If you for whatever reason do not want to stay there for a long time that is fine, it's the complaint that your dh is that is unreasonable

I wouldn’t drive but I would fly even for a week to be there for DH.

I am unsure why your DH won’t let you fly?

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. (and yes I have lost both my parents and we lived in a different country so I know what it feels like and I know how tricky it is bringing kids long distances)

The OP doesn't want to spend a month in winter with a 4 month old baby away from her own home in a remote place. I don't blame her.

If I were you OP, I would go up immediately (fly - your dh doesn't get to dictate your travel - if that is part of the grieving process, its a new one on me). Stay for a week and then return home. Go up again for the funeral.

It’s not all about you OP. Your husband needs you at the moment and you’re doing everything you can and using ridiculous excuses not to be there for him.

You can’t go for walks on an unpaved road!! Why not??
They live next to a cliff….walk the other direction away from a cliff!!

Hi, I have been there with an unsettled baby and know how hard that is, but I think these are extraordinary circumstances and your husband needs you. I think when baby gets older you might look back and see this differently too; it's hard when you're in the sleep deprived fog. In the 4 month regression, baby's sleep will probably be crap whether you're at home or not.

I would book a flight and tell your husband when you're getting in and arrange collection. Take a baby carrier and a tablet with Netflix etc and accept that it's not going to be a great time, but a necessary thing to go and do. Losing a parent can be one of the toughest things to go through and you need to put things aside and get on with it just for these circumstances.

Is there more to this OP? I get that it's not great to go and stay in the middle of nowhere in someone else's house with a young baby but I feel like there must be something you've not mentioned... why would it be so bad for your MH to be there? Do you not get on with FIL or some of the wider family? Has there been an issue in the past?

I feel like it can't just be that you'd be bored...

12 hours mostly in a car seat is not good for a 4 month old.
I would look at flying and if the travel is less onerous I would just book a flight. I wouldn’t tell DH until I got there as he is probably really scared of something happening to you both. Least said soonest mended.
Will DH be driving back with you? Could you break the journey in a travel lodge?
I see both sides but tbh baby comes first.

Isle of Harris / Lewis? Go op, you will regret not going

Probably against the grain but I agree with OP.

A 12 hour journey across trains and ferries in bad weather where things can be cancelled and get stranded, a 12 hour journey back again, and then another 12 hours there and back for the funeral is NOT in the best interests of the 4 month old. It just isn't. And her DH isn't in right mind so he can't put the baby first so OP has to. If there wasn't a baby of course OP would have been there and gone up with him immediately. But having a baby changes things. You have to do right by them. You can give your DH options to pick from:

Option 1 - get a sling so you can go out with baby. Tell DH you can come but only if it's flying, and you will only stay for as long as he is off work. No working from FIL house. He wants to work you all leave and come back home.

Option 2 - you keep baby at home for now, DH can stay up with FIL, support him, work if he wants, video chat daily so FIL can see baby, and you'll head up closer to funeral time.

They live next to a cliff….walk the other direction away from a cliff!!

Good life lesson, that 😂

They also have very little traffic!

Baby won't mind at all, and my train it should be pretty relaxing compared to driving. I'm guessing it's the inner Hebrides or isles of scilley based on the ferry and travelling time (it's not Shetland that takes over 24 hours from our house overland!)

My dp lost his mother a few days after Christmas last year, he wanted to be with me & the kids. He said we were the only thing that kept him sane.

You're being really insensitive of course he's angry you're being very unsupportive