Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

I presume she means staying in someone else's house in a remote and inaccessible location with a difficult baby for at least a month.

I don't think that FIL can mandate that all his grandchildren must stay there for such a long time.

I'm also not sure why her DH is mandating a particular form of travel for OP rather than letting her choose as she is the one doing a 12 hour journey on her own with a baby.

Agree.
Tbh I wouldn’t even be discussing the travel burden with DH. I’d just book whatever was most convenient & send eta to DH.
I’d keep the ticket open ended, because you’re right - it’s so raw atm nobody knows a week could be enough.
I really feel for OPDH right now.

So is DH saying that he wants you to travel up now, then you will come back home and then travel up again for the funeral? Would he be staying there the whole time? If he is going to be working how much support is he being for his dad? How much room is there at the house?

💯 agree

There are warnings of snow and bad weather in the news.

People here could be literally endangering her baby.

OP, follow your instincts and do what’s best for the baby.

What is this need to stay with FIL anyway? The usual expectation is for wider family to attend the funeral, not make 12 hour journeys to stay!

I can see your point but his mother has just died. I'm sure that is taking all of his attention.

You're not "solo" parenting. You're just looking after your one single child for a week or two. I presume you're on maternity leave so you're not having to juggle anything else?

I couldn’t agree more.

Your husbands mother died and he needs you more than ever in this earth shattering life altering time and you are thinking about yourself and excuse excuse excuse.

Honestly OP there are times in life when you have to just drop everything and do the right thing. I don’t say this lightly either but this may have serious implications on your marriage going forward. He can’t count on you in his darkest moment. You are thinking about yourself. You are using the baby as an excuse. You really are being unreasonable.

As others have said, book a flight and go up. Yes it won’t be the easiest trip but go now die a few days and again for the funeral.

I'm sorry but this is just silly. Where on earth is so remote that you can't go for a walk?! Unless you're going to Antarctica or Death Valley you need to pull yourself together about that.

Can’t FIL come and stay with you, at least until the funeral? Then you can all travel up together?

I have now told him I'll go tomorrow as I'm worried about the weather warnings. I am expecting that they will try and make me go Thursday as they're meeting with funeral directors tomorrow. I had asked if DH could help me get from the mainland to their house however I think I will just go it alone if they are going to say that I should try on Thursday and it might be fine. I'm not willing to risk getting stranded with our baby it's just another thing to worry about.

I am a veteran of long visits to inlaws on remote Scottish islands, and still really don't get why you think you can't go for a walk. Surely just don't walk by the cliff-edge if it worries you - there must be other directions?

Why does he get to dictate hoe you travel? If you want to fly, fly. He is grieving, this isn't a time for it being about you.

Are you saying he will refuse to pick you up?

Is he usually so awful?

OP you just need to suck it up and get there. If he's not keen on flying I would just explain it's better/quicker to fly and you want to be with him so you do that.

If you don't go now....I'm afraid you're heading for a divorce.

His mother has just died!
He needs support!

I very much doubt he'd be doing work when all the family are there (including you) when his mother has just died.
He is supporting his dad. He's probably feeling guilty he wasn't there at the end etc! Suck it up and get there!

If it's in Scotland, you have the right to Roam almost anywhere, as long as you are being responsible and not causing damage. Round the edge of a field, for example, rather than straight across it if there are crops planted

Where they live is so remote I would be unable to even go out for a walk with baby
Do t they have footpaths?
If your FIL is living there I'm sure you could go out for a walk.

People replying saying OP is all "me, me, me": well yes. That's how it should be when you have a 4 month old baby!
Life goes on when you've had a baby. It's 4 months not 4 days. It's portable, and just needs to be with It's main care giver, in this case mum, have food and to be kept warm and safe. It won't care if that is in Scotland. Op can get a comfortable train or fly and make it as stress free as possible.
Op , in my opinion, needs to support Dh in this situation.

Agree.
My dh wouldn't even want me to do that ... he wouldn't stop me, but be worried about my safety.
When mil died last year we didn't dh did not stay with fil......but has visited him every week since (no one else much has).
I think it is difficult but there are other ways of support.

unless your DH or in-laws have a history of bad behaviour towards you, Just get there ASAP. via the best route for you (train, bus,plane). If possible don’t worry about which is the most expensive, I am sure DH would not care about cost if he really wants you and baby there. Pack to stay until after the half term.
The presence of children will certainly help your husband and FIL through their grief. Everyone has their way of dealing with grief, your husband is asking to be with you and his DC. Go.

They must do. My in laws who are in a very remote area have supposedly been in a walking club for years but I guess they were lying. And they talk all the time about going for walks but I suspect they are just sat in the car eating crisps. They have gone to the Lake District and northern Scotland many many times to go ‘walking’ but now I think they were probably at a casino somewhere.

Thanks for the realisation. All of their walking clothes and boots always seemed a bit like stage props and suspect.

It’s a shit situation but you just need to suck it up and go there. A 4 month old doesn’t need several days at home to get over jabs. The travel is much easier with a baby this age than a 1 year old. You will have DH there, his sister and her baby and others to be with.
You really do sound quite dramatic about the weather, the journey and not being able to go for a walk!

My father in law was so proud of his grandchildren that he took them around to see his neighbours. I was fine with it, it was lovely that we have this relationship with my husband's father. I trusted him with my children. I am also quite lucky in that my children did not dissolve when a " stranger" looked at them.

Exactky. The OP is supporting him by taking care of their baby which allows him to stay with his father.

She is also attending the funeral.

That should all that should be expected of her.

If it's a remote Scottish island e.g Barra, I can understand he doesn't want you on one of those tiny planes tbh.

To be fair it sounds like OP is determined she either goes more than a week from now or tomorrow which is the one day the family are busy at the funeral director.

A power play to make the DH prioritise OP instead perhaps?

If the OP was prepared to disclose the island I bet we could put help in place - mumsnetters are everywhere!