Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

I’m another poster saying you need to grow a pair and just crack on. He has lost his mother, that’s why he’s being sharp. He’s lost his mother, is trying to support his father and has you being a wet dishcloth moaning about travel. What he needs is you to say ‘I’ll be there don’t worry’ and you arrange your own transport (fly and don’t ask his opinion) and to take that load off him. It’s a 4 month old baby- how do you think mothers of multiples manage? Or single mums/those with deployed husbands? You are meant to be a team in a marriage, all you are thinking about is yourself.

And very slow traffic if the road is unmade!

I’d be doing whatever it takes to support my husband and his family. You need to put your needs second at this time.

Trying to be gentle but - it's a baby not a Ming vase. Your DH is struggling and it's not as though this is likely to happen again, he's not going to lose a mum every year. I think, painful as it might be, you just suck it up and go to him. The baby will be fine, you will be there. Isolated UK isn't like Isolated US or Australia, there will be civilisation withing fairly easy reach, although it's a pain.

Just go to him, OP.

I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time on here, OP. People have no idea what you're going through. Birth trauma, risk of post partum depression, extreme sleep deprivation - you may be experiencing any of those and posters are judging you.

I lost a parent earlier this year while heavily pregnant and with a one year old. I still prioritised our one year old over my feelings, and expected my husband to prioritise the one year old as well. If I had to travel far for the funeral, I would have been grateful if he was holding the fort down at home, and if he travelled, I would have thought about what was the best way for him to travel for our child.

There is no reason you can’t fly though is the are ? Your DH can hardly dictate how you travel.

As for walking - can you not use a sling ? I find it hard to believe there is nowhere at all you can walk. No fields ?

Your dh is in the first circle of grief. It's up to you as one person removed to look after yourself and your baby, and to expect a little bit of selfishness from him and your FIL.
Do what works for you while supporting him the best you can. Personally if it is a big island like Orkney, shetland or Lewis I'd be flying there and hiring a car on the island to allow a bit of independence once there. And buy yourself a baby sling before you go as you will need to get out for walks.

a 4mo cant be in a car seat for the length of time it would take to get them there, it would take forever with all the stops. the train may be a better bet, bu I would not want to be on a train for that long either. its a massive hassle.

@Charlottef94 if he wants you there, then look at flying and make THAT your sticking point. it's not about you, its not about him, or even FIL, this is about a baby who while portable, can't be in a car seat for so long.

if all the other kids are going up, then fine, but guessing that they are not, so why the insistence on you being there? DH should not be demanding things this difficult of a tired parent with a very small baby.

Weather forecast, covering west and north west of Scotland for Friday and Saturday, is very bad with warnings of travel disruptions. Not ideal for travelling on your own with a baby.

We’re not all the same when we lose a parent. I was absolutely inconsolable when my DF died, couldn’t make the most simple decisions so absolutely needed my DH with me,

I'm not in the UK. Here, everybody just drops everything when someone passes away. We certainly wouldn't be waiting on vaccines or half term. It seems so bizarre.

An unsettled baby and a vaccine are very weak reasons for not supporting your husband when his mother has passed away. Pull yourself together.

Travel there however you see fit. You are an adult. If you want to fly, then fly.

It's tricky but probably important for you to try to get there. I'm not sure about the idea that you can all stay until the funeral. We have lost all the 3 remaining GPs in the last 4 years. There was a 4-6 week wait for all the funerals. Most work places would not allow that much time off as compassionate leave. Unpaid maybe, but I'd think that unwise for more than a fortnight and try and avoid it now in case your DH really needs it later on.

Are you not the poster who didn't want her FIL taking the baby around to see the neighbours OP? You didn't mention cliff edges and unsafe roads in that post.

You aren't a fan of your in-laws are you?

But he isn't asking for her there. He's saying FIL wants the baby there. Her DH is planning on working from home.

So basically she is being summoned to go stay in the middle of no where with her DH ignoring her and working, and her baby being used as a puppet to keep FIL happy with no one thinking about OP or the baby and what is best for them.

She'll be on 100% childcare, her support system and routine gone, treading on eggshells around grieving people, unable to get a break if she needs it and could be there weeks. And she has to take the baby on a 12 hour journey alone for the privilege.

Divorced yet or single? Experience of close bereavement? Wanting to support the person you claim to love? Plenty of reasons to not be so cruel. And Sad about your mum sounds very much a brush off like banging your car.

OP, when DM lost her DM, we’d just moved house from one country to another with an 9 month old and couldn’t get there for ten days until the funeral. I don’t think she’s ever forgiven me, but it was just the way it was at the time. I think in your case, I’d fly - can you book your own tickets regardless of what DH says? As PPs have said, it’s not until you lose a parent yourself that you realise how deeply it affects you. I was quite mad for a couple of weeks after I lost DF. I do feel for you, though. It’s tough in the early days with a young baby and long journeys are difficult, at least they were with our DCs at that age.

I sympathise with your husband and do think that you should try to go up to support him, but. I don’t think that means you have to obey his travel orders. In order to get there, you need to fly.

You're making it all about you.

Like other posters, you need to prioritise your DH here. Personally, I'd say to him, "I'm coming up tomorrow, I'll let you know where and when to pick me up" and then just book whatever is the easiest /best for you and baby - flight, train, car, whatever. Then, once you're there, if necessary, yoy come back down or figure out what you need to do to make things a bit easier.

When my mum died I will never not be grateful for the way DH just stepped up and sucked up stuff and let me be a little irrational sometimes.

This! Actually what the fuck? ‘I’m so sorry about your mum but I’m not going’. Like it’s an acquaintance who lost a cat and not her husband who’s lost his mum ffs. Saying that if he absolutely refusing anything but a flight, he doesn’t get to choose how you travel

I wouldn't drive ...fly or train totally reasonable. Moaning about being on your own with a four month old isn't.

I agree with posters saying you need to be as supportive and accommodating as possible for your DH. Four-month olds are pretty portable and don't need much. If where they live is picturesque it could be a lovely opportunity for fresh air and long walks.

I think this is far more tricky than just grief - one side is suffering from grief and the OP sounds as if she has some struggles with having a 4 month old baby and at the moment there is no compromise on either side because both are coming at it from completely competing sides and there is no right or wrong

one thing is the SIL partner coming with the baby? And when is the grandson arriving? And how long are you expecting your DH to stay up there

Your fears are understandable but unfortunately you are going to have to step up for your husband and his/your new family.

Do you have any family that could look after the baby for an hour or two while you plan out your journey/stay/packing?

I think you should fly and then organise your own travel for the last leg. Let your husband know the details but don’t ask too many questions about if x, y, z is the right course of action. He will be planning a funeral and helping his dad with his mums things etc which takes up a lot of brain space.

I’ve been on long journeys with baby/toddler before including for a funeral and while it will be stressful for you, if you are able to be well organised it needn’t be stressful and too unsettling for baby.

List all the things you need to take then see what can fit inside other things. Make sure to bring lots of little bits to keep baby entertained.

I think it’s probably a good thing if your SIL is also coming with a baby as you can lean on each other for support.

By an all in one snowsuit. Even if it is the most remote and cold place in Scotland, people bring children up there and take them out for walks etc. You can get good ones on JoJo that have mittens that attach with poppers.

https://www.jojomamanbebe.co.uk/style/st321747/c22491#c22491

The whole situation isn’t ideal for either of your mental health’s but I think once you are back together the it will be a lot better for you both then being apart.

It’s normal to feel worried about vaccinations too but it is usually easier the younger they are. Good luck.

So country folk only drive never walk?