To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

[bannsise]

My DD is 22, her first name is Isabella, I chose the name as I love it and think it’s very pretty. Since she was little I’d always call her Isabella or Bella, her dad who I wasn’t with called her “Isa” (ee-sa).
As a teen she insisted I didn’t call her Bella, I happily just used Isabella.
Now she is insisting I call her Isa, she says she doesn’t like Isabella, no one apart from me has called her it in 10+ years. She also complains I say it wrong anyway (her dad is European and pronounces it ee-sa-bell-a, I say is-a-bell-a). I replied that I can’t say her name wrong as I picked it!!

AIBU to say I will continue to call her Isabella (with the English pronunciation) and not by Isa as that isn’t the name I chose for her and I don’t like it.

Wow, are you so controlling about other preferences she has? You may have picked it, but it's HER name and you should respect her wishes

I have suffered a “second hand” name all my life. I’d change it if I could. It was my older sister’s name but my parents changed it when she was a baby. They didn’t like it. Then I came along and was to be adopted by my aunt. Newly born, they didn’t have a name for me so, the story was that “we could call her “Going” 😐🤦‍♀️

Thats been it. All my life. It’s a 60’s name. Think Tracy, Susan, Debbie, Sharon. Not any of those but you get the picture.

There’s a reason for her wanting the change. Go with it.

In her day to day life, it isn’t. It’s half of her ethnic makeup, but that doesn’t make it any meaningful part of her identity.

My parents are from two different countries, one is Russian and one is Serbian. I spent the majority of my childhood in Serbia, and I consider myself Serbian. While I recognize my Russian half and speak the language, it really isn’t a big part of me at all. I wasn’t raised there, and I’ve never lived ‘as a Russian’. In Russia, I am an outsider. As such I can well understand why OP’s daughter doesn’t consider Britain to be anything more than the place her mother’s from.

All those things that make you belong to the country and culture you were raised in, she did not establish with the UK. She lived as an Italian, in Italy, everyday. Her mother being British does not mean she formed any emotional connection to the UK, or ever considered it home. It’s a big part of her mother’s identity, and I can understand that OP wants it to be a big part of her daughter’s identity too (especially as she wanted to raise her daughter in the UK), but that isn’t something she has control over. Now, my parents never tried to make me feel X or Y about their respective countries, or consider myself a certain way, but I can well imagine that if they’d tried to make being one or the other some big part of my identity when I just wanted to get on with life where I was, and be who I was, that I would have become hostile to that.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · Yesterday 08:31
"She's an adult so she gets to dictate what she is called, it's her name and her identity not yours for goodness sake! I can't quite believe you've had to come onto the Internet to ask this!"

Agree with this and all the other comments saying she has the right to choose what she is called - she is her own person and if she was raised in Italy it is probably natural for her to use that pronunciation.
(Sadly since Brexit this is not the first time I've heard that Europeans don't think much of Britain - even if they do have their own problems too)

No grandparents as both my father’s parents died before he was 15 and yes, I have/had aunts, uncles and cousins but they are widely spread over the whole large country so I barely know most of them. I know the aunts, uncles and cousins of the country I live in far better.

I visit my brother regularly but he considers himself to be the same nationality as I am, and his wife is from another country again, so he and his family identify primarily with their home country cultures, rather than the culture of the country they live in.

Everyone's different, I guess. I feel I would be curious about a foreign parent's country, but maybe not. Do you have relatives in Russia? I know it's not like you can visit the place now that Putin's gone mad, but I went to St. Petersburg for two days on a cruise in 2005 and saw the palaces; they were amazing. I've always found Russia quite fascinating, due to its ballet and figure skating and literature and Faberge jewellery, and the palaces, and the fact they had such a brutal revolution that changed everyone's lives so thoroughly. Definitely worth a visit, IMHO, when there's not a madman running the joint!

I've seen photos of Serbia. It looks beautiful.

@InterIgnis Sorry, I just saw that you feel like an outsider in Russia, so obvs you've been there.

Do you go back to Serbia much? Would you recommend it for a holiday?

Sorry op, but I think you’re being V unreasonable. You said you didn’t choose to raise your daughter in Italy, but you did. You just didn’t think about her being an Italian resident or you having to stay there when your relationship broke down after you’d chosen to gave her there - but that’s a side point (though is relevant since the pronunciation she is using links to where she is from, as opposed to where you are from).

Call her what you like, if you don’t follow her wishes I can guarantee it will negatively impact your relationship with her. I actually changed my name as my parents picked Shane they thought was lovely but it just wasn’t the right name for me. One of my parents embraced my new name & now thinks I suit it better than my other name. My other parent almost always calls me my old name, or double barrels the two. I’ll let you guess which one I speak to daily/ see weekly & which one I am barely in contact with.

I do, and I did spend time there with them as a child (indeed, going back is very much off the cards currently). I didn’t feel their country was mine though, although I never felt that made them any less my relatives. I do think Russia is fascinating and I am curious about it, but that doesn’t come with feeling that I belong to it.

I do feel like an outsider, yes, but I don’t say that as a negative because it isn’t. I’m an outsider there in the same way I’m an outsider in Germany, or France. I didn’t grow up there, and as such I didn’t and don’t share with Russians those experiences of growing up in and being formed by Russia and Russian culture. Conversely, they didn’t and don’t view me as if I did, either.

I would absolutely recommend visiting Serbia. Belgrade is one of my favorite cities in the world. There’s the mountains of Zlatibor, the Austro-Hungarian city of Novi Sad in Vojvodina, the Ottoman city (and birthplace of Constantine the Great) of Nis... I used to visit it more when I lived in the UK, but I am aiming to go back once every year or two now. I would generally recommend all the former Yugoslav countries.

To circle back, when I was born it was Yugoslavia, but I don’t consider myself Yugoslavian. Identity and personal sense of it is complex.

For what it's worth, I knew an Isa pronounced Eesa at primary school. She was half Spanish and came to our school in the middle of what would now be called year 4, and she told everyone she would like to be called Eesa, so we called her Eesa. It wasn't hard to get used to. After all, Lisa is usually pronounced Leesa.

My two points, I suppose, are (1) I think you should always respect people's wishes re whether, and how, they like their names to be shortened, and (2) it's not "putting on a fake accent", it's just pronouncing her name the way she pronounces it. It's no different from pronouncing the name Sara the way that individual Sara likes it, when there are two possible pronunciations. I realise that it probably seems harder for you because you have in the past called her... what? Isa pronounced Izza? - but she is old enough to make that choice.

It's a small thing to do really isn't it. I'd just accept it as her wish

Thank you so much for the recommendations about Serbia!

Glad you got to visit Russia when young; sounds like you've had an interesting life.

If it walks like a duck...

If your daughter was trans like mine it would be deadnaming to call them by their birth name. It’s hugely disrespectful anyhow. I’m f you love her call her what she asks to be called.

I understand why you're upset, because this sounds like it isn't so much about the name as your daughter preferring her father's way over yours. But I do think the more you protest the more you're going to make it an issue. Just call her Isa, and if it really rankles try just calling her "love" or "darling"

In short, I wouldn't. She's old enough to change it for good! ... And to resent you forever.

Here speaks the voice of reason. please stop with trying to control your adult child.

I gave my kids names so that they would be able to adapt to their own taste. So my DD is Charlotte - over the years she's been Char, Charley, Lottie. It's up to them how to use the name they have, and I respect what they want to be called by

My BF is Italian but British, he doesn't actually speak Italian. His first name is British, but he pronounces his surname with an Italian accent, and so do I now, as it wouldn't sound right with a British accent

i don't think the Op is coming back.....

If you think about it, it is slightly odd that someone who doesn't 'know' you gets to pick a name before you are born, that you are expected to use for life! I'm a nurse of 20 yrs, many elderly people ie. into their 80's don't use their birth name, nothing new in that. My uncle was called Jack, it's only when he died, I found out his name was John! I have an aunt Peggy didn't know she was actually Margaret until funeral! In the nicest way possible, just let it go, it's not that deep. She isn't rejecting you, it's not choosing her dad over you, which is what seems to be at the bottom of this. Sorry if that's not the case.

My DF and the rest of the family mainly call me my full name. No one else does. It sounds quite odd because it's so formal but I don't mind. My DF chose my name.

Do you have a pet name for her instead? She has such a beautiful name!

Why can’t you change it? It’s not expensive it difficult. Pick a name you love

@MissDoubleU I’m O L D! 🤣 I don’t think it’d be fair on people who’ve always known me as “Going”.

The sad thing is, we had such lovely family names to choose from when I was born. Constance, Matilda, Eleanor.

I wonder how people get used to a completely different name choice. At least the OP’s daughter isn’t choosing something totally new.

Never too old to reinvent yourself, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!! Fuck fair to others, it’s YOUR life after all 😉