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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

567 replies

bannsise · 21/01/2025 08:04

My DD is 22, her first name is Isabella, I chose the name as I love it and think it’s very pretty. Since she was little I’d always call her Isabella or Bella, her dad who I wasn’t with called her “Isa” (ee-sa).
As a teen she insisted I didn’t call her Bella, I happily just used Isabella.
Now she is insisting I call her Isa, she says she doesn’t like Isabella, no one apart from me has called her it in 10+ years. She also complains I say it wrong anyway (her dad is European and pronounces it ee-sa-bell-a, I say is-a-bell-a). I replied that I can’t say her name wrong as I picked it!!

AIBU to say I will continue to call her Isabella (with the English pronunciation) and not by Isa as that isn’t the name I chose for her and I don’t like it.

OP posts:
tightarses · 21/01/2025 23:07

My sister went through a phase of calling me and referring to me by my full name , got really angry and offended by her. Names are so personal, I really was annoyed that she disrespected me by not using the shortened version that I have used throughout my adult life ..it’s rude !

InterIgnis · 21/01/2025 23:56

She’s an Italian woman, living in Italy. She’s half British by blood, sure, but that doesn’t seem to be something she considers to be any meaningful part of her identity because for all intents and purposes, it isn’t.

Tbh I wonder if she’s rejecting Britishness so bluntly because she’s tired of her mother trying to force her to consider herself British. You may want her to connect with her British heritage, but that isn’t something you can force upon her. She’s Italian.

Catza · 22/01/2025 07:08

Gogogo12345 · 21/01/2025 21:06

See my.mother was the only person who called me by my full name Didn't bother me in the slightest

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That's not the case with the OP's daughter so I am not sure how this is relevant.

Laiste · 22/01/2025 08:36

Grapewrath · 21/01/2025 21:39

Ugh my mum still insists on calling me by the unshortened version of my name. Everyone else uses the short version which isn’t great tbh, they are both ugly 80s names but it’s better.
When my Mum uses my full name I find it triggering as fuck and a reminder that she doesn’t respect me as an adult or human being and still sees me as her property… she will use the name SHE chose.
Honestly OP just call dd by her chosen name

Oh god this here too!!

I've just typed out that when my mother calls me by my birth name (she's the only one who does) it makes me want to hit her over the head with a fucking frying pan 😡

But i deleted it because it sounds a bit extreme .... it is indicative of the state of the relationship ...

But it's true! It does.
And now i've said it!

Laiste · 22/01/2025 08:38

So - my advice is don't call your daughter the name she doesn't like while in the kitchen OP. And know that she's seething over this.

Laiste · 22/01/2025 08:42

AND - all the Italian/British/is it similar/is it not/is there an accent/is there not/but it would be better if it was iiiiii not oooo or eeeee ... all irrelevant.

She's within her rights to change her name completely if she wanted to. To nothing like the name she was born with. Be glad it's still connected.

MissDoubleU · 22/01/2025 09:10

bannsise · 21/01/2025 17:40

Sure, but she is Italian which is hardly a utopia immune from political issues, wealth divide, infrastructure issues, political instability, struggling economy and rife with sexism.
I don’t understand how she can be embarrassed to be British and proud to be Italian based purely on politics.

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You don’t have to understand. You also dont have to take it as some great personal insult. She’s 22. Just respect her, call her by the name she has repeatedly asked you call her by and at least try and mend the very obvious rift between you with some compassion. Without centring yourself.

Say it out loud, without putting on an accent. Eesa. Lord. It’s not fucking difficult.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/01/2025 13:23

I agree completely, @MissDoubleU. As I said yesterday, I have been through this from both sides - my mum refusing to use the shortened version of my name, because she'd chosen my name and liked it, and then ds1 choosing to use the shortened version of his name, which I didn't desperately like, but which I used because his happiness mattered more than my feelings. And now I am very well used to it, and happy with it.

Freshflower · 22/01/2025 13:29

I'd just follow it and call her 'eesa" as she wishes. It's her choice. I'd say no more about it. You might find she changes her preferences again at some point

Wordsmithery · 22/01/2025 13:47

Well whose name - and whose life - is it, exactly?

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 15:30

InterIgnis · 21/01/2025 23:56

She’s an Italian woman, living in Italy. She’s half British by blood, sure, but that doesn’t seem to be something she considers to be any meaningful part of her identity because for all intents and purposes, it isn’t.

Tbh I wonder if she’s rejecting Britishness so bluntly because she’s tired of her mother trying to force her to consider herself British. You may want her to connect with her British heritage, but that isn’t something you can force upon her. She’s Italian.

If her mother is British, then being British is a big part of her, whether she likes that fact or not. Sure, she's more Italian, having grown up there, but half her extended family and the very person who gave birth to her and raised her are British. I wonder if her rejection of her British side and her insult about British people (that she'd be embarrassed to be seen as British) are indicative of problems she has with her mother, probably something to do with the OP having gone back to Britain when her daughter was 16. Perhaps she feels as if Britain stole her mum from her/that Britain is more important than her.

Edit: Sorry, I just read that the daughter was at school in France 16-18. Makes more sense then why the OP came back to Britain at that point.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/01/2025 15:35

You are right about the daughter’s heritage, @ChicLilacSeal - but I’m not sure that is actually particularly relevant. This girl has a chosen name that she wants everyone to use, and doesn’t like the names her mum wants to use for her - and I think @bannsise should respect her dd’s choice of name.

As I said, when ds1 chose a nickname I didn’t like, I simply accepted his choice and used it, because his happiness mattered far more to me than my feelings about the name.

Dotjones · 22/01/2025 15:41

This thread immediately brought to mind the scene at the end of the second episode (I think) of Roots where the slave trainer is trying to make the latest purchase acknowledge the new name that they've given them. Basically they whip the shit out of them until they say it. (Admittedly the name they'd been given was Toby, which is a pretty shit name unless you're the tram from Thomas the Tank Engine.) Unless your daughter is your property she can decide her own name.

tempname1234 · 22/01/2025 17:38

YABU

Pick your battles.

Do you really want to damage your relationship with your daughter over how she would like to be referred to?

It is HER name. It is a very small thing you can do to show you love and respect your daughter’s autonomy and sense of self.

CheekyHobson · 22/01/2025 17:41

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 15:30

If her mother is British, then being British is a big part of her, whether she likes that fact or not. Sure, she's more Italian, having grown up there, but half her extended family and the very person who gave birth to her and raised her are British. I wonder if her rejection of her British side and her insult about British people (that she'd be embarrassed to be seen as British) are indicative of problems she has with her mother, probably something to do with the OP having gone back to Britain when her daughter was 16. Perhaps she feels as if Britain stole her mum from her/that Britain is more important than her.

Edit: Sorry, I just read that the daughter was at school in France 16-18. Makes more sense then why the OP came back to Britain at that point.

Edited
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It really does not have to be a big part of her. My father was a different nationality to me, but because he lived in the same country as me all my life, and because I have never lived in his home country, I do not think of myself as belonging to his home country culture in any significant way. I don't overtly reject it, it's just not particularly relevant or important to me.

Scammersarescum · 22/01/2025 17:54

It sounds like her dad is a nasty controlling arse. She sounds like a bit of a xenophobic wanker to be honest. Who tells their own mother they are ashamed of the nationality they share with them? . Shes half british no matter what she identifies as.

She doesn't respect that you gave up 16 years of your life raising her away from your support network and family so why should you respect her desire to have you speak like Captain Alberto Bertorelli? She seems like a chip of her dad's block.

Hopefully she'll grow up one day but probably not with a father like that.

Mystismum · 22/01/2025 17:55

My niece is called Elizabeth and my sister always insisted that her full name was to be used. It was our grandmother's name, and is also my middle name and I rather like it. (Ironically, Nan went by Bessie!) As soon as she could express an opinion she insisted on Liz and flat out refused to answer to anything else. You can't win this one!

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/01/2025 17:58

Sure sure, keep alienating and pissing off your daughter by ignoring her wishes over a really very simple matter.

That will do wonders for your continuing relationship.

StrikeForever · 22/01/2025 18:02

AuntieMarys · 21/01/2025 08:07

If I was your daughter I'd have very little to do with you. Why can't you respect her wishes?

FFS! You are one of those who cut people off for the least thing 🙄

@bannsise I’m afraid YABU. Your daughter is now an adult. You should respect her wish.

GoingOffScript · 22/01/2025 18:47

Just do it. It’s her name. It’s not like she wants to change it completely. Don’t fall out over this small thing.

hadenoughofsnowflakes · 22/01/2025 18:50

I hate to say this but I feel like people need to get some perspective sometimes. My DS was killed at the age of 22, 7 years ago, some days are still a battle for me to even get out of bed and go to work - but I do.
I look back on those wonderful years I had with him and am truly grateful that we never had such petty disagreements.
Look at the big picture, call her whatever she wants - just hug her and be grateful you can, you really never know when it can all be gone.

Diddlyumptious · 22/01/2025 18:57

I was known by Annie the moment I left home, at 18, but my parents never, ever referred to me as that but by my given name. Drove me nuts!! Just because you give a child the name doesn't mean they have to keep it!! Please do as she asks. It's not like she's asking you to call her Irene or the like

Single50something · 22/01/2025 19:01

I have a longer first name and so have been known by a shortened version since I was tiny. Everyone calls me the short version.. work accounts all in my short name...but my mum will only call me the full name. It's so annoying but I've got used to it. But I do get frustrated when she says now.im 50 something I should use the more grown up name .urgh

GoingOffScript · 22/01/2025 19:19

hadenoughofsnowflakes · 22/01/2025 18:50

I hate to say this but I feel like people need to get some perspective sometimes. My DS was killed at the age of 22, 7 years ago, some days are still a battle for me to even get out of bed and go to work - but I do.
I look back on those wonderful years I had with him and am truly grateful that we never had such petty disagreements.
Look at the big picture, call her whatever she wants - just hug her and be grateful you can, you really never know when it can all be gone.

Perspective.

So very sorry for your loss 🌺

ChicLilacSeal · 22/01/2025 19:20

CheekyHobson · 22/01/2025 17:41

It really does not have to be a big part of her. My father was a different nationality to me, but because he lived in the same country as me all my life, and because I have never lived in his home country, I do not think of myself as belonging to his home country culture in any significant way. I don't overtly reject it, it's just not particularly relevant or important to me.

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But didn't you have aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents in that country?