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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

567 replies

bannsise · 21/01/2025 08:04

My DD is 22, her first name is Isabella, I chose the name as I love it and think it’s very pretty. Since she was little I’d always call her Isabella or Bella, her dad who I wasn’t with called her “Isa” (ee-sa).
As a teen she insisted I didn’t call her Bella, I happily just used Isabella.
Now she is insisting I call her Isa, she says she doesn’t like Isabella, no one apart from me has called her it in 10+ years. She also complains I say it wrong anyway (her dad is European and pronounces it ee-sa-bell-a, I say is-a-bell-a). I replied that I can’t say her name wrong as I picked it!!

AIBU to say I will continue to call her Isabella (with the English pronunciation) and not by Isa as that isn’t the name I chose for her and I don’t like it.

OP posts:
Cookiesandcream1989 · 21/01/2025 10:46

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with her about it.

Ultimately, if she really wants you to call her eessa, you're going to have to accept that.

However, I think before that it is worth explaining to her that the name Isabella holds a lot of meaning to you, as the name you chose with love for your daughter, and as the name you used to express your love for her while she was growing up, and that you feel somewhat hurt that it feels like she is rejecting the name you chose for her, and your culture.

It is absolutely normal in bicultural families for the parents to call their children something different to what people outside the home call them, whether it's the pronunciation of the name, or the accent, or the shortened version or whatever. So it does feel like there's something more going on here... which is sad, but if she really insists then you've got no choice really.

GiddyRobin · 21/01/2025 10:49

My DC are half Norwegian and both have Norwegian names. I don't have to "put on an accent" to call them by their names, I just use the correct pronunciation; same as I do for my husband's name. My DH doesn't have to put on an Irish accent to say my name either - he just uses the correct pronunciation.

Everyone who knows my DC and DH uses the correct pronunciations. When I go to Norway people use the correct pronunciation for my name. It would be disrespectful not to.

Your daughter is Italian, she grew up in Italy, and is asking you to use the correct pronunciation for her name. It's not difficult. It's literally just saying "ee' instead of "i".

Cookiesandcream1989 · 21/01/2025 10:51

RadioWhatsNew · 21/01/2025 10:15

Did you miss the part where the OP says her DD was born and raised in Italy and lives in Italy the pronunciation is how it's pronounced for her entire life. It's her mother that's refusing to acknowledge that because she now lives in the UK having left her DD at the first opportunity as soon as she turned 16

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Did you miss the part where her MOTHER raised her in Italy, calling her Isabella the English way?

When I drop my daughter off at school, approximately half the class have foreign parents (including my own daughter, actually). Some of whom have very limited English. Do you think the Polish and Lithuanian and Romanian and Indian and French parents all make an effort to put on an English accent when saying their child's name, even when speaking their own language? Of course they don't! How ridiculous.

Nonsense10 · 21/01/2025 10:51

From the sounds of it, she's closer to her dad now. You've got two options - call her by her chosen name and continue having a relationship with her or insist doing it your way and risk ruining your relationship. She won't want to talk to you.

MrsDoof · 21/01/2025 10:52

bannsise · 21/01/2025 10:31

I didn’t choose to raise her in Italy I had a very short relationship with her dad and ended up pregnant, he promised me the world, broke up with me before her 1st birthday and refused to let me return to the uk where my family and support network were. Spoke to lawyers and was basically told I’d be wasting my time as it would always be ruled that she should remain in the country she is ordinarily resident. He kicked off so much that my family would have to come and visit us in Italy as he always claimed he didn’t trust me to bring her back if I took her to the uk!

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I also see you’re ignoring the fact you can absolutely pronounce ‘Ee-sa’ without putting on an accent 🤦🏼‍♀️ as multiple apps have also said

HowwillIgetyoualone · 21/01/2025 10:52

Cookiesandcream1989 · 21/01/2025 10:39

It's very odd for someone with a foreign parent to expect their parent to pronounce their name in an accent that's foreign to that parent, when the parent chose a name that works in the parents' own language.

My husband is from another country, so we chose names for our children that exist in both our languages, but even still, he pronounces their names differently from the English way, and our children accept that as totally normal. Hang around any bilingual/bicultural families and you will see that it is a very frequent thing.

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It is a bit odd actually. I myself pronounce one of my DC’s names in two different ways as there are two languages spoken where we live and it doesn’t seem to bother him at all. One of the pronunciations (the lesser used one) connects more with his heritage and so we see that pronunciation as a positive thing.

I think in this case, as it clearly does bother her DD, OP should acquiesce to her wishes, but it isn’t exactly easy to change a name you’ve been saying for a lifetime, even if you want or need to. Mistakes will be made and DD needs to be patient with that. Could you have a chat about it with her again OP? A relaxed one, not an argument. Maybe each could try and see where the other is coming from and compromise a little bit.

Elizo · 21/01/2025 10:53

just call her what she wants to be called.

mbosnz · 21/01/2025 10:53

I think you've got to be really rather fragile if a person asking to be called what she likes according to her local pronunciation of the name is deemed 'twattish'. Maybe I don't mean fragile. Insular? Parochial? Or, maybe, twattish?

Names have power. Doing your best to pronounce somebody's name according to their language has so much meaning. Not doing so can often seem lazy and disrespectful. This woman has lived in Italy all her life. She's born half Italian and half English. Unsurprisingly, she identifies more with her Italian heritage. She's not affecting a cultural pronunciation that isn't hers.

takealettermsjones · 21/01/2025 10:53

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 10:46

But I said that insulting her mother's nationality - and therefore her mother - is twattish. Nothing to do with her name choice.

I notice you failed to include my question to you, which was: So you don't think that her insulting her mother is being twattish?

There are remedial classes for adults who struggle with reading comprehension, you know.

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Why can't you disagree with someone without suggesting they can't read? Do you need a remedial class on debating skills?

godmum56 · 21/01/2025 10:53

Elizo · 21/01/2025 10:53

just call her what she wants to be called.

nailed it

MissDoubleU · 21/01/2025 10:53

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 10:46

But I said that insulting her mother's nationality - and therefore her mother - is twattish. Nothing to do with her name choice.

I notice you failed to include my question to you, which was: So you don't think that her insulting her mother is being twattish?

There are remedial classes for adults who struggle with reading comprehension, you know.

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It is not insulting her mother’s nationality to state factually she was born and raised, educated and has lived her whole life in Italy as a proud Italian woman. It’s quite fair to be ashamed of Britain, given its extensive deplorable history and staunch continued ignorance to this.

Remedial history classes are also available for adults who struggle with comprehending lack of patriotism not being a personal insult you know, my darling.

Cookiesandcream1989 · 21/01/2025 10:54

GiddyRobin · 21/01/2025 10:49

My DC are half Norwegian and both have Norwegian names. I don't have to "put on an accent" to call them by their names, I just use the correct pronunciation; same as I do for my husband's name. My DH doesn't have to put on an Irish accent to say my name either - he just uses the correct pronunciation.

Everyone who knows my DC and DH uses the correct pronunciations. When I go to Norway people use the correct pronunciation for my name. It would be disrespectful not to.

Your daughter is Italian, she grew up in Italy, and is asking you to use the correct pronunciation for her name. It's not difficult. It's literally just saying "ee' instead of "i".

Edited

Isabella is a common name in English though, with a standard English pronunciation that is every bit as "correct" as the Italian version.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 21/01/2025 10:57

It is her name now, not yours, even though you picked it. You can insist on calling her a version of the name that she doesn't like, but it won't do your relationship with her any good.

GiddyRobin · 21/01/2025 10:57

Cookiesandcream1989 · 21/01/2025 10:54

Isabella is a common name in English though, with a standard English pronunciation that is every bit as "correct" as the Italian version.

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Yes, and OP's daughter is Italian, and grew up (and still lives) in Italy. She is choosing the correct pronunciation because that's what she's grown up hearing. Only one person calls her something different - her British mother. The daughter doesn't associate with that name as, for all intents and purposes, she isn't English.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 21/01/2025 10:58

I think it would be unwise of you to fight her on this. Use the pronunciation she prefers.

Drfosters · 21/01/2025 10:59

rainbowunicorn · 21/01/2025 10:32

Why is it odd for someone who has an Italian name and was born and brought up in Italy as an Italian citizen with an Italian parent to want to use the Italian pronunciation of her name.

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But her mum who named her didn’t give her the Italian version of the name! Her mum named her and intended for her to go by Bella or her full name with the English pronunciation. So her name is actually the English version and her daughter is making herself a new name.

that is totally ok- we are are able to call ourselves what we like but we normally accept other family members might call us something else. I say this as someone who changed the shortened version of my name when I was 18 and pretty much everyone calls me that now. My parents don’t and I wouldn't ever suggest that they did because it wasn’t the name they gave me!

Ella31 · 21/01/2025 11:00

I think once you give someone their name, it's their name to choose what they want to do with it. Don't risk a fallout over this. She clearly feels strongly about it.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 21/01/2025 11:01

WishinAndHopin · 21/01/2025 10:33

You’re getting a tough time here OP.

It’s no surprise you’ve dug your heels in - your daughter told you - who picked the name - that you are pronouncing this name wrong! How ignorant, stupid and disrespectful.

It sounds like she’s trying to fully identify with her dad’s heritage and country and wants to sound more exotic than plain old Bella, or Issy. It’s pretentious and she’ll probably be embarrassed when she’s older.

Claiming that no one has called her anything except Isa is a lie. None of her UK friends or teachers would have called her that naturally unless she attempted to enforce it, which would have met with limited success. As an adult, every time she gets a non-social phone call, or called into an appointment they will call her Isabella with the English pronunciation.

A child changing their name is a rejection of their parents’ choice for them, so it will sting. It is also asking something of you that will never feel right or natural. Ultimately, it’s their choice, but she has not been respectful about it at all.

It’s not like she said, “Mum I prefer Isa and it suits me much better. This is what feels right for me and what everyone else is calling me now.” She’s stupidly said you are wrong about your own baby name choice which is incredibly rude, she is blatantly lying/exaggerating about “no one” else calls her that, and it seems like this new insistence is to make herself seem more exotic which is juvenile and may not last. And the short name she has picked is not sustainable in the UK, she will have to keep enforcing it. None of it is sensible or authentic.

I suspect she’s pretending that Eesabella is her “real name” (as opposed to different pronunciation of the same) and doesn’t want you to embarrass her by letting it slip that she’s just regular Isabella to anyone English.

You may have missed a post, @WishinAndHopin Isabella was brought up in Italy where eesa would have been the usual pronunciation. She still lives in Italy and wants her mum to use the name that everyone there uses for her.

mbosnz · 21/01/2025 11:03

But of course, OP, you can call her what you want to.

Whenever my mother calls me or my daughter by our full names, rather than our preferred shortened version, what I'm hearing is 'I don't care about what you want or feel I should or need to respect your wishes, or who you are, it is far more important to asset my 'right' to call you what I wish'.

It makes it very clear to me that there is no respect for me as an individual with opinions and an identity in my own right, I'm merely an offshoot, a reflection of her.

FindusMakesPancakes · 21/01/2025 11:04

WishinAndHopin · 21/01/2025 10:33

You’re getting a tough time here OP.

It’s no surprise you’ve dug your heels in - your daughter told you - who picked the name - that you are pronouncing this name wrong! How ignorant, stupid and disrespectful.

It sounds like she’s trying to fully identify with her dad’s heritage and country and wants to sound more exotic than plain old Bella, or Issy. It’s pretentious and she’ll probably be embarrassed when she’s older.

Claiming that no one has called her anything except Isa is a lie. None of her UK friends or teachers would have called her that naturally unless she attempted to enforce it, which would have met with limited success. As an adult, every time she gets a non-social phone call, or called into an appointment they will call her Isabella with the English pronunciation.

A child changing their name is a rejection of their parents’ choice for them, so it will sting. It is also asking something of you that will never feel right or natural. Ultimately, it’s their choice, but she has not been respectful about it at all.

It’s not like she said, “Mum I prefer Isa and it suits me much better. This is what feels right for me and what everyone else is calling me now.” She’s stupidly said you are wrong about your own baby name choice which is incredibly rude, she is blatantly lying/exaggerating about “no one” else calls her that, and it seems like this new insistence is to make herself seem more exotic which is juvenile and may not last. And the short name she has picked is not sustainable in the UK, she will have to keep enforcing it. None of it is sensible or authentic.

I suspect she’s pretending that Eesabella is her “real name” (as opposed to different pronunciation of the same) and doesn’t want you to embarrass her by letting it slip that she’s just regular Isabella to anyone English.

Did you read the thread? The young woman is Italian. She lives in Italy, has done all her life. This is her name and one that suits her where she is living, not some imagines version you have made up. Her mother's refusal to acknowledge that is disrespectful of her heritage and autonomy as an adult to choose her own name.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2025 11:05

Just pronounce your DD's name the way she wants and the way it is pronounced in her country. It is her choice.

Once you give your child a name it is theirs to do with as they wish.

MissDoubleU · 21/01/2025 11:06

Drfosters · 21/01/2025 10:59

But her mum who named her didn’t give her the Italian version of the name! Her mum named her and intended for her to go by Bella or her full name with the English pronunciation. So her name is actually the English version and her daughter is making herself a new name.

that is totally ok- we are are able to call ourselves what we like but we normally accept other family members might call us something else. I say this as someone who changed the shortened version of my name when I was 18 and pretty much everyone calls me that now. My parents don’t and I wouldn't ever suggest that they did because it wasn’t the name they gave me!

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But she did NOT give her the English version of the name. She wanted to give her the English version, but that went out the window as soon as she raised DD in Italy. OP would be the one and only person in DD’s life insisting on this pronunciation. Her father, grandparents, teachers, friends, everyone her entire life used the Italian way, And btw - OP wasn’t even in the same country from age 16.. so, what say does she get to have exactly?

It doesn’t matter. If someone tells you “this is my name” and you deliberately call them something else you are a jackass. I think the least OP owes her daughter is this small respect. I imagine DD would have her own side of the story on the continued power struggle with her DM.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 21/01/2025 11:08

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet

bruffin · 21/01/2025 11:09

Drfosters · 21/01/2025 10:59

But her mum who named her didn’t give her the Italian version of the name! Her mum named her and intended for her to go by Bella or her full name with the English pronunciation. So her name is actually the English version and her daughter is making herself a new name.

that is totally ok- we are are able to call ourselves what we like but we normally accept other family members might call us something else. I say this as someone who changed the shortened version of my name when I was 18 and pretty much everyone calls me that now. My parents don’t and I wouldn't ever suggest that they did because it wasn’t the name they gave me!

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Her name was a gift for her to do with what she wants.

Hazel444 · 21/01/2025 11:09

bannsise · 21/01/2025 08:16

Well it does require an accent, she’s made it clear “isa” isn’t acceptable and I have to say “eesa”.

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It's not really an accent to say an easily pronounceable name with a variation - it's not like it's a name where you need to use a lisp or another non English diphthong. I have a German friend called Claudia and her name is pronounce in the German way 'Cloud-ea', rather than the English pronunciation of 'Claw-dea' It's not a big deal to pronounce someone's name the way they want you to, it's not like she has asked you to change her pronouns or something actually unreasonable. Honestly, this is not a hill to die on, and you chose to bring her up in Italy and for her to have an Italian paternal family.