To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

[bannsise]

My DD is 22, her first name is Isabella, I chose the name as I love it and think it’s very pretty. Since she was little I’d always call her Isabella or Bella, her dad who I wasn’t with called her “Isa” (ee-sa).
As a teen she insisted I didn’t call her Bella, I happily just used Isabella.
Now she is insisting I call her Isa, she says she doesn’t like Isabella, no one apart from me has called her it in 10+ years. She also complains I say it wrong anyway (her dad is European and pronounces it ee-sa-bell-a, I say is-a-bell-a). I replied that I can’t say her name wrong as I picked it!!

AIBU to say I will continue to call her Isabella (with the English pronunciation) and not by Isa as that isn’t the name I chose for her and I don’t like it.

Find it very bizarre that someone would get upset about being called by your actual name. Shortened names are just nicknames, they aren’t your actual name.
why don't you change your name by deed poll if you hate it?

She grew up hearing both pronunciations surely?

I mean, she clearly prefers one, but it’s not the same situation as using Norwegian or Irish names like you mentioned earlier.

There are multiple ‘correct’ pronunciations of Isabella and DD grew up with two different versions, one which her mother used and one which her dad and most others used. She has chosen not to identify with one of the pronunciations now, her mother’s one. That’s her choice to make, of course, but a lot of people in her situation would be happy to continue to use both names and I do see why OP is hurt.

I think OP needs to try to use the preferred short version for the sake of their relationship, but maybe DD could compromise a little too. Talking (calmly!) usually helps.

Are you the poster with the other 3 dds?

But she did give her the English version. Where she ended up living is irrelevant. The pronunciations the name is the pronunciation you give it at the moment you say I want to call her ‘xxx’.

And her English mother gave her an English name and pronounces it the English way.

It is absolutely normal and common for children from multicultural/multilingual backgrounds to have a name that one or both of their parents pronounces a bit differently from how most other people pronounce it in the country where they live.

My husband French. Our daughter's name is Charlotte. It's pronounced very differently in French vs English. He speaks to the children in French all the time anyway, because a) that's his language and b) we want the children to be bilingual. Neither pronunciation is more correct than the other, we deliberately chose a name that exists in both languages. It would sound absolutely ridiculous if he started saying "Charlotte" with an English accent/pronunciation whilst talking French.

The girl has a father too. Who presumably also had something to do with choosing her name. And who will always have pronounced it Eezabella.

Count yourself lucky she doesn’t want you calling her Nigel.

Which is why both pronunciations are equally valid

The pronunciation of a name is however the child wants to pronounce it.

I had a grandad who hated his first name, so always went by a second name. His son, my uncle, was always known by his middle name. I work with a diverse team, many of whom have shortened their name or use an English version, or use another name entirely. It's absolutely fine!

But she grew up with only one person calling her the English version. That person then left when she was 16! She then went to boarding school in France and introduced herself with the Italian pronunciation, and has lived with it beyond that as she's now 22. No one in her every day life uses the English. It must feel absolutely alien.

My point about the Norwegian/Irish names is that it isn't putting in an accent as OP suggests. I don't sound Norwegian when I say those names. I just pronounce them the correct way.

My DC are bilingual. I taught them to say "Mammy and Daddy", but they both chose to use the Norwegian "Mamma and Pappa". I don't mind that. We spend a lot of time in Norway and are moving back there, their roots run quite deep to the place. If I'd given them names that could be pronounced differently in English or Norwegian and they chose the Norwegian, I'd be fine with that too.

The OP had a baby with an Italian man. She grew up in Italy. Therefore she naturally identifies with that culture and language.

My mother shortened my name because she said it is too formal, I prefer the formal name as I am a fully grown woman. My mother point blank refuses to call me the name she gave me! It’s caused major problems between us, it feels disrespectful. I am my own person.

I can't see how that would sound ridiculous; the soft "Ch" of Charlotte is already the French pronunciation, unless I'm wildly incorrect. The point of the matter stands though; it isn't hard to say "ee-sa". That does not require an Italian accent.

The OP's daughter has every right to ask ro be called by the name she chooses. And she is choosing "Ee-sa" as that name. If my children had a name that could be said either way, and chose a specific pronunciation, I'd have no issue doing that for them. It isn't my name. They have to live with it. Why would I make them feel irritated by refusing?

I think you’ve missed a few updates. She has no U.K. friends/teachers. She was born and raised in Italy, then went to school in France 16-18. Still lives in Italy. The pronunciation she prefers is the one everyone in her life - apart from OP - has always used.

She’s not being affected. Eesabella IS her “real name”. She’s an Italian woman, who uses the Italian version of her name. OP’s refusal to accept that is the reason she’s getting a hard time.

OP honestly has to decide whether or not she values her relationship with her daughter more than the name Isabella. It's as simple as that.

Well, you beat me to it.
Nothing to add, really.

Not if the person in question only wants one pronunciation used. It’s her name, after all.

Her mother uses the English form and always has. I think that’s quite a big influence.

The difference with Norwegian or Irish names is that there is often no alternative version. Sometimes there is, and I don’t know the names you mean, but if your name is Sadhbh, for example, there won’t be a British version or an Italian version. So I think it’s a different type of situation really.

I do think OP should try and use the version her daughter wants for the sake of their relationship, but I see why she’s hurt. It feels like a rejection.

I had a similar issue with my mum, @bannsise - I grew up using the full name she had chosen for me, but as an adult, I decided I wanted to shorten it, and my mum hated it - she made that very clear to me - and for years she refused to use the shortened name I had chosen. It wasn't the only thing in our relationship that caused me to pull away from her, but to me, it was symptomatic of her lack of respect for me or my feelings, and it did colour my feelings towards her.

Your daughter has chosen a shortened version of her name that she loves, and that she feels is right for her - and by refusing to use it, you are telling her that you don't respect her choices or feelings.

I also had this with my eldest son - we gave him the same name as his grandfather, and throughout his childhood, we used the long version of his name, partly because his grandfather used the shortened version, so it made life a bit easier, but also partly because we preferred the long version. Once he got to his teens, he decided he wanted to be called by the shortened version, and I accepted that, and I use the shortened form of his name he has chosen. It wasn't easy changing the habits of years, and I was a bit sad that he'd chosen the shortened form that I didn't like - but that was MY issue, not his, and I never made him feel bad for his choice.

Do you want to risk pushing your daughter away? Is using her full name more important for you than a good relationship with her?

Im astounded at the vitriol you have had here. Its clear the dad has been controlling and asserting dominance in your co-parenting relationship all along & this name change is just another manifestation of that. He has continually undermined your authority with your daughter & your wishes removed, taking it all for himself & this has been normalised for her. I can imagine everytime you are ordered, not asked, to call her by the name he has given her it will remind you that he has taken even her name choice from you. This is classic DARVO. The daughter is mirroring his lack of empathy for your position. My advice is to take your power back by choosing your own loving nickname for her & calling her that. My mum calls me Flower.

ee-sa can be said without an accent?

isa, issa, eissa, are all said in the same way from different cultures. pretending you have to do an italian accent to say them is ridiculous and obviously just an excuse to be rude.

If someone tells you how to pronounce their name, you do it? outside of a speech impediment etc it is recognised universally as rude behaviour.

My grandmother was Izabella, but always preferred "Iza" (pronounced "eeza") and hated "Bella"

But that's only one person, and someone she presumably isn't that close to given she went back to the UK at the first opportunity.

I do see what you're saying in regard to the names. What I'm trying to express is it isn't "putting on an accent" as OP claims to pronounce a name correctly. I still sound Irish when I call my family by their names. DH still sounds Norwegian when he says mine. OP isn't being asked to adopt a full on Italian accent - just to make an "ee" sound and not an "i". Her saying it's putting on an accent just sounds like an excuse; if she can say "Lisa" she can say "ee-sa".

It probably does hurt a bit. But kicking up a fuss like this is making a mountain out if a molehill, and she really risks alienating her daughter further. There are some battles not worth fighting.

It doesn't have the extremely deep-seated racism that America has

Are you white? As a Black person who has lived in both places, I’m afraid this is nonsense. Racism manifests itself in different ways in the U.K., but is very much present, systemic and horrific. As is amply illustrated every time there’s a thread about race on here.

I go by a shortening of my given name and my Mum and even my Granny respected it. I think YABU