To think I might be autistic but masking all my life?

[21degreescooler]

My DD (9) has been diagnosed as autistic. I had never considered it before but she was referred after ADHD diagnosis.

I was diagnosed privately with ADHD but never tested for autism.

I was very surprised by my DD’s diagnosis as she never seemed autistic to me. She is similar to me at that age. She is outgoing and sociable, but struggles with transitions, regulating emotions and sometimes with social skills ( it is mild, but it’s more like not picking up more subtle social cues- interrupting, not appreciating when people have had enough of a certain activity, or when her behaviour is becoming too much)

I now wonder if I’m autistic too? I’m sociable, but think have learned social skills later than others, sometimes struggled to make friends ( by that I mean, knowing HOW to make friends in new situations- I found university difficult at first.)
I do have lots of friends now, but I feel it took a long time to learn how to make them.

i don’t think anyone would consider me autistic- im warm and friendly, empathetic, and think I have learned to read social cues.

but sometimes I have noticed people have taken a real aversion to me and I’m not sure why ( it’s rare, but enough for me to notice they’ve taken a dislike, but I’ve never known why)

when I was younger, I was quirky and good fun. Also a bit shy and socially awkward. I used to actively study people in social situations to see how to behave at parties - does anyone NT do this?

I still dread social functions at work, but have learned how to deal with them. Now people would probably think I’m a good networker and at ease in social situations.

I’ve struggled to understand my shyness- I feel awkward in some situations but at ease in others. I’m very confident speaking at a conference where I get to talk about my area of expertise, but shy and nervous in meetings where I’m put on the spot.

all of this could be NT, but am I BU to think maybe this is mild autism?

Tbh you don’t sound like you struggle socially more than just general nervousness .
But either way - you’ve learned ways to manage and live a functional life - so would a diagnosis make any difference ?

You can be crap socially and not be autistic.

These are both good points. I just wonder if it’s a bit more than just nerves.

I get that. But my DD had an NHS diagnosis. She doesn’t exhibit a lot of the common traits. Lots of people are being diagnosed later in life because our understanding of the symptoms aren’t great.

I thought my daughter was ND years ago and have been reading a lot about neurodiversity- never occurred to me she was autistic so reading the DSM might not bring out some key points

No one can say that you are or are not autistic. You certainly could be. The pp has that totally wrong. And I understand that a diagnosis could help you understand why things can be harder to decipher and perhaps help those close to you as well. But I would feel uncomfortable about venturing an opinion. All I can say is that my circumstances are eerily similar to yours and I have been referred for an assessment for autism - not my idea. Some of my friends think it's impossible, others think it's a certainty.

Do you mind asking what your qualifications are for making that statement?

or are you just sick of people saying they are autistic?

Probably, almost everyone on Mnet and almost every parent I meet through my work appears to think it's the case for them and/or their children.

There's not really enough information to determine whether you are autistic OP (not that any of us could anyway)

I have two autistic children, and their traits vary - I would maybe do some more research online and If you really think you are autistic then make an appointment with a GP and see if you meet the critera for a referral.

Thanks for this- realise no-one can tell me on MN! 😄Only an assessment will tell me that.

but it’s very useful to hear you have similar experiences. I think my friends would be equally split too.

do you often find yourself being completely exhausted? Sometimes I have to take a day off work to recharge. Not often, but often enough

How on earth would you know?

OP, you sound like you could well be. But as PP said, you have learnt to cope in a NT world. Would an official diagnosis make a difference? I would keep researching female autism. It may explain lots of things as you were growing up and now. I'm not sure an official diagnosis will help though.

If your DD is autistic, then chances are that you are too. Maybe you didn't pick it up as you saw how she was as normal, because that is all you have both known.
My boyfriend is autistic, and has always been very outgoing and socialable. So, the PP saying that means you are not autistic, is wrong. However, he does get bullied, taken advantage of, and gets excluded from things etc. That sounds like what you are describing too. It is heartbreaking, as he thinks he is doing all the right things, but the NT world out there is saying he is weird.

See your GP, and get an assessment started.

I've felt for many years that I was autistic.
My local health board doesn't do assessment of autism for adults. But I'm currently attending a Clinical Psychologist for my mental health issues and she unofficially gave me some tests for autism. And I scored highly on it. Masking is one of the things I do to a great extent.
I think the main outcome of having the autism unofficially confirmed for me has made me feel less guilty about how poorly I've lived my life.

Also, girls and women often fall through the cracks under traditional diagnosis.

@WomanFromTheNorth that’s a good idea. I need to understand it better. But also agree that don’t think a diagnosis would make much difference.

i think it would make me a bit kinder to myself though. Even just realising it’s a possibility has made me feel better - there’s a reason I’m different

Some autistic people are very good at masking.
Some autistic people don't initially realise they are masking and/or think everyone does it.
Some realise they have to do it to survive in the NT world, but it becomes increasingly hard and some sort of implosion or explosion often happens.
You may or may not have done this or still be doing it.
Some autistic people, when becoming familiar with a variety of traits, for example through someone else's diagnosis, may suddenly see that all their apparent quirks are actually more than that. Again, this might be the case here.
The question is how much effort you want to put in to getting a proper assessment.

I've never tried an online test.
But I very much benefited from the input and knowledge of the Clinical Psychologist.

AIBU is not the place for this - you’d be best asking to having it moved to the ND board